I had intended to write an 'end of Korea' wrap-up post. It was meant to be a nice thing about the old man who sells potatoes around the corner from my house. About how, after passing him nearly everyday for 2 years and smiling, bowing, and saying hello in the most honorific form, he would occasionally grunt and nod at me in response. About how this could perhaps be a witty metaphor for my time in Korea.
Then I thought of writing about all the things I'd never done until I moved to Korea. Teaching English, learning a non-roman alphabet, living in a Confusious society, getting food poisoning, being a racial minority, having expendible income... About how these things had affected or changed me, but written in a light, pithy way, not a Chicken Soup for the Soul kind of way.
But now I'm in Indonesia, after three weeks in the Philippines, and already those things seem so far away that already I'm hardly the right person to accuratly comment on them anymore. Furthermore, the heat has cause my wit to escape from my body via my sweaty armpits. And lastly, but not leastly, the television downstairs is blaring what sounds to be Indonesian muppets and I'm super curious if Miss. Piggy is wearing a headscarf. I've got to follow through on something eventually, so maybe this will be the one.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
That was weird
There's only 16 days left before I leave Korea, so I'm really trying to savor the moments. Moments like finding a little turd on the floor of the school bathroom. It's precious, you know? Not that floor pooping isn't a totally common thing; it's hard to line everything up properly, I respect that. Shit happens, and sometimes it's to the back, left or right of the squat pot. But this particular turd was standing straight up. Just standing there, perpendicular to the floor. I don't want to suggest that it was, say, planted that way, but I am saying I've never seen a little poop log stand at attention by itself either...
Then there was the precious moment of watching an elderly man struggle to get up the stairs onto the bus. I felt a little sorry for him because the stairs are quite steep, but then he stumbled and turned around and so everyone could see that actually he's drunk. So drunk he peed his pants. And then he doesn't have money so he has to get off the bus. So he struggles back down the stairs and gives the bus a 'pat-pat' to see it off but the bus still doesn't leave. The driver's looking in his rearview mirror so everyone turns around to check out what he's looking at and it's the old man, of course. He's fallen down, passed out, half on the sidewalk, with his legs dangling out in the street. And then, after I've imagined each of the 100 ways he could die, the bus pulls away...
Yesterday I got my vaccinations for travelling and the translator was explaining which shots they were giving me, yadda, yadda, yadda, oh and don't shower today. Shmexcuse shme? She looked at me, confused by my question, and tells me again, slowly, not to shower because I don't want to get an infection, do I? Umm, yeah, totes. But...do you know what I do with the same water that comes out of the shower? I put it in my mouth and drink it. For breakfast. So if you think the tap water getting through a band aid, into the literal pinprick in my arm will cause an infection then you should take a look at my hard, hard insides...
Then there was the precious moment of watching an elderly man struggle to get up the stairs onto the bus. I felt a little sorry for him because the stairs are quite steep, but then he stumbled and turned around and so everyone could see that actually he's drunk. So drunk he peed his pants. And then he doesn't have money so he has to get off the bus. So he struggles back down the stairs and gives the bus a 'pat-pat' to see it off but the bus still doesn't leave. The driver's looking in his rearview mirror so everyone turns around to check out what he's looking at and it's the old man, of course. He's fallen down, passed out, half on the sidewalk, with his legs dangling out in the street. And then, after I've imagined each of the 100 ways he could die, the bus pulls away...
Yesterday I got my vaccinations for travelling and the translator was explaining which shots they were giving me, yadda, yadda, yadda, oh and don't shower today. Shmexcuse shme? She looked at me, confused by my question, and tells me again, slowly, not to shower because I don't want to get an infection, do I? Umm, yeah, totes. But...do you know what I do with the same water that comes out of the shower? I put it in my mouth and drink it. For breakfast. So if you think the tap water getting through a band aid, into the literal pinprick in my arm will cause an infection then you should take a look at my hard, hard insides...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Bring it on 2012
2012 is year of the tiger. Wanna know why? Cause I'm going to scratch it's fucking eyes out. I'm going to call it year of 'le tigre' and use a Mexican accent while I kick it's ass for twelve whole months. Think that's racist? Think again hombre.
In 2012 I'm not taking shit from anyone. If you've got something to say to me, it better be important. And you should probably make an appointment. But you better bring a magazine, cause you better believe I'm going to keep you waiting.
And if your appointment is re: my fingernails then you best keep moving or you might find yourself on the receiving end one of my bloody stumps in your eye. Be glad I don't find your face as appetizing as my fingers and shut your hot-dog hole.
In 2012 I'm not going to cry even once. I'm removing my tear ducts and replacing them with real ducks. Then if I feel sad I'll just punch them and they'll quack and I'll LAUGH.
If I get a single yeast infection this year I'm going to tear out my vagina and put in a mini-mall. End of story. I am the boss of my ladyparts and they will not cross me.
I'm going to stop apologizing for my phone being dead all the time too. Chances are I wouldn't want to talk to you even if it was on, so you can just go suck rocks until the battery is charged.
Right now I got to get back to being the boss of this office though. Probably use the paper cutter a bunch. Yell at the space heater for being shitty at its life. Maybe turn on the lights cause it's getting dark and I'm pretty close to the light switch. Bring it the fuck on 2012.
In 2012 I'm not taking shit from anyone. If you've got something to say to me, it better be important. And you should probably make an appointment. But you better bring a magazine, cause you better believe I'm going to keep you waiting.
And if your appointment is re: my fingernails then you best keep moving or you might find yourself on the receiving end one of my bloody stumps in your eye. Be glad I don't find your face as appetizing as my fingers and shut your hot-dog hole.
In 2012 I'm not going to cry even once. I'm removing my tear ducts and replacing them with real ducks. Then if I feel sad I'll just punch them and they'll quack and I'll LAUGH.
If I get a single yeast infection this year I'm going to tear out my vagina and put in a mini-mall. End of story. I am the boss of my ladyparts and they will not cross me.
I'm going to stop apologizing for my phone being dead all the time too. Chances are I wouldn't want to talk to you even if it was on, so you can just go suck rocks until the battery is charged.
Right now I got to get back to being the boss of this office though. Probably use the paper cutter a bunch. Yell at the space heater for being shitty at its life. Maybe turn on the lights cause it's getting dark and I'm pretty close to the light switch. Bring it the fuck on 2012.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Brittney's Top 11 Beauty Tips From 2011
Well the year is winding down and so it's time to re-cap my top 11 beauty tips from the past year. I hope the new year finds you prettier than the last.
1. Wear makeup. It helps hide the ugly, or at least provides an interesting distraction.
2. Don't wash your hair. Everyone pretends not to notice it's greasy anyway.
3. Try to be younger. Not look younger, but actually if you can reverse time as it applies to your face you'll be prettier. Unless you rewind too far, amIright teenage years?
4. Sun-
5. screen.
6. Plus bronzer, duh. What are we vampires? Oh wait, those are popular.
7. Stop using facial expressions, they cause wrinkles. Plus everyone will be afraid of you.
8. It's inhumane to use horse-hair makeup brushes. Instead, use the wings of a live monarch butterfly.
9. To prevent clumps on your mascara wand, have your dog lick it first.
10. Use vagasil as a moisturizer on your face to prevent fine lines and wrinkles. Plus, no annoying facial discharge!
11. The eyes are the window to the soul, but your breath is the window to your lunch. Fight bad breath by taking a sip of your favourite perfume after meals.
Yours in Beauty,
B.
1. Wear makeup. It helps hide the ugly, or at least provides an interesting distraction.
2. Don't wash your hair. Everyone pretends not to notice it's greasy anyway.
3. Try to be younger. Not look younger, but actually if you can reverse time as it applies to your face you'll be prettier. Unless you rewind too far, amIright teenage years?
4. Sun-
5. screen.
6. Plus bronzer, duh. What are we vampires? Oh wait, those are popular.
7. Stop using facial expressions, they cause wrinkles. Plus everyone will be afraid of you.
8. It's inhumane to use horse-hair makeup brushes. Instead, use the wings of a live monarch butterfly.
9. To prevent clumps on your mascara wand, have your dog lick it first.
10. Use vagasil as a moisturizer on your face to prevent fine lines and wrinkles. Plus, no annoying facial discharge!
11. The eyes are the window to the soul, but your breath is the window to your lunch. Fight bad breath by taking a sip of your favourite perfume after meals.
Yours in Beauty,
B.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Fun With Epilepsy
Want to hear some epilepsy jokes I thought of while I was drunk last night? Good.
What does a person with epilepsy do after a sports injury?
Shake it off.
What does an epileptic in the 1960s love to do?
The hippy hippy shake.
What does a pregnant women with epilepsy crave?
Milkshakes.
What does a person with epilepsy say to a Holocaust denier?
Bite your tongue.
What does a person with epilepsy do after a sports injury?
Shake it off.
What does an epileptic in the 1960s love to do?
The hippy hippy shake.
What does a pregnant women with epilepsy crave?
Milkshakes.
What does a person with epilepsy say to a Holocaust denier?
Bite your tongue.
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