Thursday, July 29, 2010

Let's Have Drinks and Get Ready

My Tuesday afternoon mix-tape. You know, for those electro dance parties when there's no one else in the office and you start talking to yourself just to hear something above the drone of the aircon. "Wig out with your cock out!" - Ghandi. Wise words.

File this one under pre-teen, hipster, electro, sparkly, gay boy. Bonus: he raps. You should really watch the whole thing.

The sweetest singer and a friend of a friend of a friend of mine.

Russian disco stylings. Bring on the wodka.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My Mother's Package

My mother's package arrived! Did you know if you're not home to recieve your packaage in Korea they don't send it to the nearest post office? Instead it travels many miles to a not near post office and then they send you deep into the bowels of the postal system, past rows upon rows upon rows of men sorting mail by hand (Why by hand? Surely they have machines for that).

My package contained: 3 bottles of vitamins, 1 reuseable shopping bag, and 1 vitamin C shower filter. Oh yeah, that's a real thing. Other people get food or books or sentimental trinkets from home, I get naturopathic water filtation systems.

Vaccuum sealed for freshness.

Isn't it magestic? Accompanying this nifty device was a note instructing me to be sure to bring it home with me. Sure thing, I'll pack it in the box labelled Awkward Shaped Heavy Things.

In case you're curious, this is a diagram of how the Vitamin C Shower Filter works. Just as I suspected, tiny half cut oranges inside the filter tank. But won't I be sticky after showering in fresh squeezed oj?

The Vitamin C water filter is designed to remove chlorine from the water and leave your hair and skin silky smooth. I assure you it will do neither as it gathers dust on my desk. If she asks though, it's great. I'm washing the scurvey off of me as we speak.

Monday, July 26, 2010

New and Improved

Instead of fixing up the previous jewlery stand I made, I got a new one instead! Here's how you can too can have this great piece of art.

Step one: pay close attention to garabge on the street for upwards of four months until you find something useful, for example, a picture frame filled with floral print cordaroy.

Step two: inspect for bugs.

Step three: take it home.

Step four: shove your earrings it.

Ta da!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

What's up doc?

I've had about seventeen colds in the last four months so when I got this last one I thought fuck it, I'm not going to tough this out. I'm no hero. I'm going to go to the doctor and get the miracle drugs everyones been talking about. I want the shot in the butt and 50 pills before each meal and I want to feel better, damnit.

On the door of Mr. Lee's Internal Medicine Clinic it said 'Mr. Lee's Internal Medicine Clinic' so I knew I was in the right place. I also thought that since someone took the good time to bablefish translate that, they might take the time to deal with an obviously aids ridden foreigner.

When I got into Meesta Ree's office and I told him I had a cough (*mimes coughing) and a sore throat (*rubs throat and winces). In hindsite I may have confused him with the coughing mime because I was covered my mouth with my hand, which is truely a foreign concept.

He then recited Hamlet in rapid fire Korean while I said "no, no, aniyo, I don't know, mullayo, nooooooo koreeeean" and then he made a scooping motion from his chest up towards his mouth. "Phelgm? Yes." I mimed coughing and then scooping and then showed him I was trapped in a box. Having spoken no English so far, or examined me at all, he then said, "This is not a common cold."

Cough amd a sore throat, not a common cold? Those are the two most common cold symptoms. They're so common that in North America they keep the medicine just right there on the counter, and you can buy some every single day to make meth with but people just think you have a cold becuase that's how common those symptoms are.

"Have you heard of GERD?"

"Umm, no."

He then writes something down on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table towards me, spy movie negotiations style. "You have Gastro-Esophegial Refluxx Disease."

Umm, no I don't.

But I can't SAY that becuase he's a DOCTOR and OLD and a MAN which makes him pretty much a DEMI-GOD. So I nodded and listened to his instructions: wait three hours after eating before you go to bed, no fatty foods, no spicy foods, no acidic foods. Then he gave me a prescription for an imaginary disease and sent me on my way.

Ahh sank you sank you Meesta Ree, so herpfur Meesta Ree.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Pan Fried Pizza

Tired of corn on your pizza? I mean, are you TIRED OF CORN ON YOUR PIZZA?!?!?!?

It wears on me a little bit, so this pizza is certified, 100% corn free.

I used this recipe for the dough, but found out the hard way that the new Korean yeast I bought definitely wasn't instant so take heed and mix it into the water and let it sit to activate before adding to the dry ingredients.

2 cups all-purpose or bread flour, more as needed
3/4 teaspoon instant yeast
1 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil, more for cooking
1/2 cup warm water

Mix the dry ingredients together, add the olive oil, then the water plus some more if you need it. Let rise until it's big and pouffy (half an hour to an hour?). Once it's done it's thing you can break off a piece and flatten it out into a crust. Brush one side with olive oil and put it in a lowish heat pan. Once it starts to brown brush the other side with olive oil and flip it over. Then just add whatever toppings you like and they'll melt as the other side cooks. I used a store bought jar of tomatoe pasta sauce becuase I didn't have pizza sauce, but maybe you could find actual pizza sauce here. I'm a hawaiian kind of lady so that's what I did here, but you could throw anything on. Kimchi and corn maybe???

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Presto Parsley Pesto

My little basil plant isn't yeilding enough to make a traditional pesto so I used parsley instead and substituted walnuts in lieu of the elusive pinenuts and it made a deliscious, light, summer pasta. Parsley: not just a garnish at Denny's anymore.

Parsley Pesto
- bunch of parsley, chopped - 1500W
- some walnuts, chopped - 5000W for a big bag, I'd say I used 500 worth
- slog of olive oil - probably less than 500 worth
- 2 cloves garlic, minced - 300?
- baby tomatoes, halved - 1000W
- feta cheese - 2000W
- any kind of pasta - 2000W

Get the pasta cooking while you chop up everything. I smushed everything up with a mortar and pestal aftewards, but you can use a blender or your fist or whatever.

Drain the pasta, saving just a splash of pasta water in the pot. Toss everything in, mix to coat the pasta. Season with salt and pecker.

Total cost: 7,800 for two servings. El cheapo.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Grilling Season

I recently dolled out 13,000 for a little bbq and finally got around to using it. After some minor technical difficulties (turns out bbq's are kind of hard to start without lighter fluid) we got these Hawaiian Burgers on and they were well worth the effort.

Hawaiian Burgers
- ground pork. Beef is just too expensive, but pork is a really good substitute. I bought two small packages for a total of 6,000W and it was enough for 4 small burgers
- buns, 3,000W for a bag of maybe 15? They were slider size though
- can of pineapple, 2000W
- red onion, ~500W
- cheese, 5000W
- salt and pepper
- egg, ~500W
Total: 17,000

Toast a bun and crumble it into the ground pork, either with a grater or your hands. Add 1 egg, some minced onion, salt and pepper and gush it all up with your hands. Form the meat into patties, keeping in mind they're going to shrink up on the grill.


Teriyaki Sauce
- 1/4 cup soy sauce
- ginger, grated, however much you like
- 1 clove of garlic, minced or grated
- few tbsp brown sugar
- splash of vinager
- two splashes of water
(I consider these household items so I'm just going to estimate 3,000W for everything)

Mix everything together in a pot, add more sugar if you like it sweet or more vineager if you like it tangy. Bring to a boil, stirring often until it thickens.

Brush or gob the sauce onto the patties and then throw them on the grill. Flip once and add a slice of cheese. The time to cook really depends on how thick they are, but you can always just poke inside one to see if it's still pink. I also grilled the pineapple and red onion and toasted the buns and if I do say so, they were fantastic burgers.

Total price: ~20,000W for 4 burgers. Not bad at all.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Mother, Mother

Exerpts from a recent phone conversation with my Mother.

On fan death:
...well maybe there's some truth to that.

No, no, no no no, no there's not.

On my 17 year old brother's gf:
...I ran into a woman at the bank who's related to this girl and she said "All I can say is that I hope he has a lot of comdoms." She's only 14 but I know she's been active for a while. And her mother practices witchcraft.

What kind of bank line-up talk is that? Everyone knows you can't say condoms in line at the bank! Also, witchcraft? Really?

On sending me a package in the mail:
...I sure hope they don't open it and check what's inside.

Side bar on that one, my mother simply does not understand how borders work. Last year when she flew from Alberta to Quebec she was sure they wouldn't let her carry-on a green pepper plant because it was across borders (Why carry-on a green pepper plant? She swears hers are better than all others. She pollinates them herself becuase she doesn't trust the bees, see.) She also doesn't really understand the postal system and what should or should not be mailed (see: the great tomatoe incident of '09) so needless to say I'm looking forward to what does or does not make it into Korea.

On a speech a wrote to be read at a recent wedding I couldn't attend:
...did you write something crazy?

Um, crazy how? Wait, no. In any sense of the word the answer is no. What kind of weddings do you go to? Who are these terrible people who don't go but write crazy things to be read? Turns out by crazy she meant funny, which are apparently synonyms in her world.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Word of the Day:


So I'm watching an episode of Chelsea Lately at my desk, which is what I always do when I stare too hard at my Korean homework and it starts to look like squiggles.

This is what I get for trying to conjugate verbs. "Call out the music yo!" It's like a weird rap square dance or something.

Chels (like I know her) was interviewing Jennifer Love Hewwit, or as I liked to call her in high school, Jennifer Loves Hugetits. JLH has recently written a book, evidentally she learned to read and write after her acting career bit off a mouthful of dirt, and in it she talks about vajazzling.

Never heard of it? Well good news, that means you're probably not a weirdo who's into vaginal decoration. Vajazzling is the subtle art of adorning swarovski crystals on your...vajazz. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think lady bits were intended to sparkle. You could poke someone's eye out like that. Not to mention getting a crystal lost in places where crystals should never get lost. What goes up must come out and I'm not interested in birthing a jewel.

Crystals? Pretty.
Beaver? Magestic.
Together? Never.

On a more technical note, how are these attached? She alluded to the fact that one must take a trip to Brazil first, but then what? Glue? What if you accidentally seal something shut? How long do they stay on? What do you do with them afterwards? Can you wash and reuse or are these swarovski crystals of the disposable variety? Can one substitute rhinestones for the same effect? Can you also penijazzle? If so, ouch?

Back to verbs...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Work-out update:

Of the three kilos I gained after joining the gym I have lost one of them, making me only two kilos heavier than when I started. "But Brittney, don't you feel better?" "It's more important to be healthy." Like fuck. If I wanted to be healthy I'd probably start with cutting my alcohol consumption down to the double digits. I don't want to be healthy, I want to be skinny. Like, heroin-addict-with-a-coke-problem skinny. Tapeworms-and-an-eating-disorder skinny. Haven't-had-a-full-meal-since-'93 skinny.

This grand scheme is clearly not going as well as planned, a fact that was made blatantly obvious as I tried to buy a bathing suit this past weekend. I was in the E-Mart, with no less than two bug eyed employees hovering mere milimetres away as I was trying to figure out how the bathing suits worked. I'm no dummy, but when a bathing suit contains between three and five pieces I need a minute to take it all in. Everything comes wtih shorts or a skirt or a shirt or a dress or a wrap or all of the above to go overtop of the actual bathing suit parts. I figured this was a pretty good option for the current state of my thighs, until one of the unblinking attendants says, "These are beekeenee. Maybe you...sundress?" I'm thinking, sundress? tf? I don't want a dress I'm clearly looking for a bathing suit, but my eyes follow her outstretched finger anyway to the rack of dresses...made out of bathing suit material. They looked like skating dresses, only longer and more depressing, less sequins and more sadness. I moved immediatly to the grocery section where the import cheese section never judges.

And becuase I missed this yesterday...
Love Song to Canada - Jason Collett

et pour les quebcoise, bon fete du jour de demanagement! enjoy scavenging on the streets for other's people's garbage...i mean treasures.