Thursday, December 29, 2011

Brittney's Top 11 Beauty Tips From 2011

Well the year is winding down and so it's time to re-cap my top 11 beauty tips from the past year. I hope the new year finds you prettier than the last.

1. Wear makeup. It helps hide the ugly, or at least provides an interesting distraction.

2. Don't wash your hair. Everyone pretends not to notice it's greasy anyway.

3. Try to be younger. Not look younger, but actually if you can reverse time as it applies to your face you'll be prettier. Unless you rewind too far, amIright teenage years?

4. Sun-

5. screen.

6. Plus bronzer, duh. What are we vampires? Oh wait, those are popular.

7. Stop using facial expressions, they cause wrinkles. Plus everyone will be afraid of you.

8. It's inhumane to use horse-hair makeup brushes. Instead, use the wings of a live monarch butterfly.

9. To prevent clumps on your mascara wand, have your dog lick it first.

10. Use vagasil as a moisturizer on your face to prevent fine lines and wrinkles. Plus, no annoying facial discharge!

11. The eyes are the window to the soul, but your breath is the window to your lunch. Fight bad breath by taking a sip of your favourite perfume after meals.

Yours in Beauty,

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Fun With Epilepsy

Want to hear some epilepsy jokes I thought of while I was drunk last night? Good.

What does a person with epilepsy do after a sports injury?
Shake it off.

What does an epileptic in the 1960s love to do?
The hippy hippy shake.

What does a pregnant women with epilepsy crave?

What does a person with epilepsy say to a Holocaust denier?
Bite your tongue.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I love this country.

I do. But sometimes I want to grab it by its little chicken neck and scream at it until my eyes bleed.

I was in a Homeplus (think: Superstore) parking garage for the first time yesterday. On our way out I noticed my co-teacher's car was parked in a section, very close to the doors, where the concrete pillars were painted pink and had pictures of women in dresses, like on a bathroom door. Laughing, I said "What? Is this section only for girls?" And then I laughed again.  "Ha ha!" I laughed, "Ha ha, ha...ha. Oh no."

"Yes, this section is for girls only, for convenience. Men park farther away because they are better drivers."

.... I ... it's just.... I just.... I ... I mean... whaaaaaat?

If that doesn't make you want to burn your bra right there on the spot then I don't know what will. But pretty offensive gender stereotypes aside - one's ability to maneuver a motor vehicle into a parking spot in no way reflects how long of a walk they should have to the door. If anything these terrible women drivers should be parking further away in case their vaginas hit the gas pedal and send them flying into the store.

Untangle your fallopian tubes and give your head a shake ladies.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holiday Cards

Tis the season for children's holiday cards and this year I've got some really winners. Allow me to transpose in case you can't read their writing on the cards:

(For reference these are grade 6 boys who sit next to each other, but they've copied the style of a penpal letter in their textbook so it sounds a bit strange.)

Dear Mr. Oh Kyun, 

Hi, my name is Gangmin Lee. When I first saw you, I thought you were just an ordinary person with weird hair. But when the time passed, I realized that you were creatively cruel. When  I say creatively cruel, I mean you know many ways to kill.

I hope we could meet sometime.
                                                                               Your friend, 
                                                                                                   Gangmin Lee

Now in case you're wondering what warranted Gangmin's high praise, here is Oh Kyun's letter to him:

Dear gang min, 

Hi. My name is Oh kyun Kweon. I live in Daegu. I'm thirteen years old. I have a knife (I kill you). I like playing computer games. Want to know about you. Please back to me. 


Alas, Oh Kyun shared only one of the many ways he knows how to kill, but I do believe Gangmin that there are more.