Bedroom? Never heard of it.

Grade 5 Chapter 12: This is a Bedroom.

This is a great chapter for teaching the kids how to talk to martians or hut dwelling jungle people or any other manner of imaginary people who have never been inside a house before.

"What's a bedroom?"

"This is a bedroom, Mwanajuma Clickclick. Notice how we don't sleep on a pile of banana leaves? We call this the first world."

This is a also great opportunity to teach the kids how to scream at people like they're stupid:

"THIS IS A BAAAA-TH-ROOOM, COMPRENDE? YOU CLEAN THE TOILET IN HEEERE, OKAY?"

Either way I'm going to have fun with it.

Yes I realize this is getting out of hand.

Any day now the photo-booth novelty will wear off. I promise.

Today I thought about going up to the roof to read, which is generally pretty nice unless my presence surprises a neighbour lady and causes her to scream and run away. That is less nice. So instead today I opened up the windows in my laundry roof/storage closet, to be known hereafter as The Solarium, and parked my keister in a patch of sun. I'm thinking of decorating The Solarium in a nautical theme, blue and white stripes and maybe a lemon yellow accent wall. Deck chairs with cup holders and a big umbrella. Or maybe I'll throw out the empty bag the toilet paper came in and call it a day.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a jar of coffee to drink and some looking cool to do.

Fall Out Boy Really Gets Me

Yesterday Kyle saw my photo bucket vanity fest and told me I was too old for that. So I told him you're never too old to emo.*

*I didn't say that. My wittier alter ego would have, but she might've also said something about the video game habits of men in their 20s so I try to keep a lock on the bitch cage.

Photobooth!

I have a mac!

I HAVE A MAC!

God I love my mac.

Do I look like I own a mac?

Oh, hi.

Do you have a mac?

Oooh, that's too bad.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some garage band to figure out.

I Got Buttoned

I was tricked into watching Benjamin Button last night.

Oh, I'll just watch until Brad Pitt's hot. Any minute now he's gonna get soooo hot. It'll totally be worth it. Man, this movie sure is long. Why is he still a creepy urchin man? Make with the wrinkle removal already.

*one and one half hours later*

Awwwwww, yeah. Perfect age, perfect bone structure.

*one minute later*

Brad Pitt sure was hot for that one minute. How old do you think he looks now? 17? Too young? Is this weird?

*one hour later*

I wish I wasn't looking at a baby and thinking about how hot Brad Pitt was. This is weird. I think I've been tricked. DAMMIT BRAD PITT.

PLANT BABIES!

A combination of factors including laziness, a missing external hard drive, and more laziness,

mean I only have shoddy cell phone picture to share, but aren't they beautiful??? My bean is so big and my hanging baskets (which I made using daiso tupperware and zip ties cause I'm basically macgyver) have little baby radishes growing in them! I've just put in another set of hanging baskets with thyme and basil but they're still in seed stages so they're boring to look at.

Is it weird that I don't want to eat my bean because it's like my beautiful handsome baby and I talk to it sometimes?

Keepin up with the Biebers

I admit, sometimes technology seems like a wormhole filled with invisible sharks that everyone else can swim in. There are sharks you can't see people! Get out of the internet! My understanding of 4chan (after multiple explanations from Kyle) is that they own the internet, control the internet, and can kill you on the internet. But I refuse to let the next generation beat me. I'm going to learn to do hashtags. I'm going to learn hashtagging? Is it a noun or a verb? Is it a hybrid like google? Maybe that's not important. In any case I'm going to stop saying "number sign" in my head.

#suckonthattweens

Improper Use of Excel

I heard that spreadsheets are nice, and a good way to make a monthly budget. This is not an example of that:

I downloaded a template from the good folks at moneyproblems.ca, then deleted everything on it and made two categories: food, and everything else. There are absolutely no formulas used. I simply add the columns up and write the total at the bottom. The red numbers are when I've gone over my arbitrary weekly limits. Then I transfer those totals to an arbitrary square I've created to find monthly totals, add in the billz, and use exclamation points to make myself feel good when I've stayed under budget.

Essentially I could have done this in a word doc, or even ms paint if I wanted to be creative, but excel just seems right, you know? I think it adds an air of legitimacy, which is exactly what a liberal arts grad with nearly zero math skills wants in a budget. Well done English major! You go studio arts student! You crunch those numbers!

Tweeeeeet

Bisforcookie gets twitter! Bisforcookie's understanding of twitter is that it's just a facebook status my relatives can't see. Not because it's hidden, but because where I come from tweeting is for fags.

twitter.com/bisforcookie !!

The best place on the internet your (my) Aunt Lynda can't see.

Speech contest

This year's speech topics included 'family', 'my favourite thing', and 'I have a dream'. Most students interpreted the latter along the lines of Martin Luther King Jr. goes to college: my dream is to be a doctor, my dream is to be a lawyer, ect, ect, ad infinitum. One special little girl took things a little more literally though, and we are the richer for it.

I Have a Dream, by Kim Su Jin

Hello, my name is Kim Su Jin.
I tell you I have a dream.

Title: I have a dream.

I have a dream

My dream is a strange dream.
My dream is a really really bad dream.

In my dream I see a monster.

It is so scared.

In my dream I see a zombie.

I think the zombie is crazy.

In my dream I see a naiad.

It is so pretty and cut.

Naiad name is 'Mimi'

She help me monster and crazy zombie is disappear.

She is good naiad.

But she go into the water.

She goes, now I see a dracula.

He is very scared.

I see a mummy.

Is is no head so it is scared.

But the dryad help me.

The dryad name is 'Soopmi'

The name is cut.

But she kill them.

I safe, she go back to forest.

I see monster and crazy zombie and dracula and a mummy.

They come for me!

But I see they kill buy they live.
So I help a naiad, dryad, one hundred fairy help me, so I safe.

It is scare my dream.

Because I help me a naiad, dryad and one hundred fairy and fairy military help me.
So I am not scared of me.

Do you have a naiad, dryad and one hundred fairy and fairy military?

I have in my dream.
So I am happy in my dream.

It is so scared in my dream.
I have many friends in my dream.

So I am happy in my dream.

THE END.

Things you never want to hear during a gynecological exam

We're going to need a bigger speculum.

You know, we can fix that.

How handsome.

Have you given birth recently?

Did you come straight from the gym?

Ewwww....

Don't see that everyday.

How retro.

Your feet smell.

Nurse, can you bring the longer gloves?

I used to be a veterinarian.

Can you smell that?

Can you hear that?

So I take it you don't have a boyfriend.

Slippery, huh?

You know, in some cultures...

Have you been wiping back to front?

How quaint.

That reminds me, I need to clean out my fridge.

I forsee great fortune in your future.

Oh, I saw this in a textbook once...

Finders keepers!

I'm sorry, I should really take this call.

Ooooh fancy!

Do you have a cat?

Only one of those has happened to me sooooooo, I think me and my lady bits are doing pre-ty well.

Shwooooops

That dude in the last post, as it turns out, is not my cousin. You'll forgive this mistake after I tell you that I thought he was my cousin becuase we have seven mutual friends on facebook. We have seven mutual friends on facebook. Apparently I'm not the first family member to make this mistake and as it happens I have only five mutual friends with the real cousin, so some people never figured it out. Also, the real cousin doesn't look that much different but I can't really tell becuase I'm blocked from his profile, unlike the fake cousin with whom I have seven mutal friends.

Cause We Classy

This morning my mom called to read me a newspaper article, as she often does. My mother is the leading source of shit I don't want to hear. Today's story was about a semi truck accident in the next town over (colloquially known as Fox Vegas). The driver was swerving all over, smashed into the median, police saw he was impaired, searched the rig, found 9 grams of ketamine.

"How much is 9 grams?" mom wants to know, "Like, how many pounds is that?"

The article describes ketamine for those out of the loop: "once used as a horse tranquilizer, (ketamine) is known to inspire hallucinogenic visions and it can produce a dissociative effect, where users feel separated from their body and environment." Oh thanks, Edmonton Sun, as if Oprah didn't give her enough to worry about, now mom can add another drug to the List of Things That Will Probably Kill My Brothers.

The driver was charged with driving while impaired, dangerous driving and possession of shit you shouldn't have, but was released until his court date on May 30. Who is this wonderful contribution to society? Well it's my cousin of course (name withheld to protect the not innocent).

You might think I just did a google image search for "sketchy, white trash," but that's his actual profile picture right now. He has two kids that my wealthy uncle mostly supports. One of my favourite stories about this kid is that he crashed his truck one day and so my uncle bought him a new one, almost immediately. Then, within the next week this kid took his new truck down to the river and tried to load a boat onto his trailer. Oh, and the boat wasn't his. So as he's trying to steal someone's boat he backs his pickup too far into the river and the current sweeps his truck away. Two trucks and a boat that wasn't his in the span of one week. At the time I was in school, trying to see if I could live off a bag of carrots and a loaf of bread for a month and my eye went a little twitchy.

Someone like this might be a liability if you have a politician in the family, as we do, but not in northern Alberta. My other uncle is the MLA of our area, a very conservative, oil rich area, who on his website likes to post 'Alberta: Tell It Like It Is' facts. Facts like, "Only a fraction of 1% of Alberta's boreal forests have been disturbed by oil sands mining."

Umm, yeah, sure.

Anyway, apparently my father's take on my cousin's little accident is that he 'fell asleep at the wheel,' because the D in Drysdale stands for denial, denial, denial.