Monday, November 29, 2010

The Difficulties of Being Canadian

It's passport renewal time for me, an excrutiating process that comes once every five years, just long enough that you've juuuust barely forgotten what a horrible teeth pulling experience it was last time.

In order to recieve a Canadian passport you must sumbit a urine sample, your maternal grandmothers dental records, and $200 in unmarked $2 bills (withdrawn from circulation in 1996). The applicant must also have a 'gaurantor,' that is, a person to vouch for your identity and sign several pieces of paper to that effect. Fair enough. Now the catch is that a gaurantor must be a person who holds one of several jobs, including but not limited to: "Dentist, Medical Doctor, Judge, Magistrate, Mayor, Notary Public, Practicing Lawyer, Bank Signing Officer." Oh, and you have to have known them for a minimum of two years.

I think Canada is a friendly place. I think Canada doesn't have a rigid class system and that people from all walks of life can intermingle and be friends and get it on and whatever else they want to do. Personally though, I don't know anyone who fits in that list of professions.

Dentist: The last few times I've scraped up enough cash to get my teeth cleaned it was by a different hack each time, based solely on appointment availability.

Doctor: I am a "don't-go-till-there's-blood-on-the-floor" type of girl. I have not had a family doctor since I was 17.

Magistrate: I don't know what that is.

Mayor: Actually the mayor and I lost touch a while back, sad story, I just couldn't support his zoning laws anymore - NO I DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING MAYOR!

I'm going to go ahead and say I don't know anyone at all who makes six figures, which I think is what you're asking. How 'bout ma uncle Kingsley, he's bin outta jail for seven straight years now.
Hey, is there differen' form if yer daddy's a farmer and yer momma's mentally unstable? Not to worry, they say, simply fill out an additional form listing every place you've lived in that last five years, every job you've had in the last five years and give two more identity references, in addition to the two required for the regular renewal form. Then have that form sworn or delared and signed by a Canadian or British diplomatic or consular representative, of which there are only two in the country, neither in my city...

All this to prove that I'm the same person I was five years ago. Surly a simple anal tracking device could eliminate all this nonsense...

Saturday, November 13, 2010

There are still mosquitos

How? Why? Not just in November, but like, in general. Do you mean to tell me that the unicorns couldn't make it on the boat but Noah was all like, "Mosquitoes? Two? Check. This way fellas. Do you need a drink before we push off?"

These photos are from two seperate occassions a while back and warning, some of them are unpleasant.

First up: emotastic mouth swelling.

Gratuitous mouth shots:

Ready for work looking like I just got botox with a dull needle in a dirty alley.

Round two: you win mosquitos. Now I can't leave my house for fear of scaring the towsfolk.

True story, I sent this picture to Kyle's phone with a sarcastic message that didn't seem sarcastic in light of the terrifying picture and he called who called me back all like, "omg, what happened?!" and I laughed and mumbled incomprehensibly through my bulbous lip.

Close up of those crazy eyes:

Who bites an eyelid? There's no juice there! That was just spiteful.

If I knew why this photo was sideways it wouldn't be sideways.Thus concludes my photo essay on why I hate mosquitos. I'd like to thank the panel for their consideration of making them extinct in return for getting the pandas back. The pandas aren't extinct yet? Still? Okay, fine, I'll take the dodos, or a small furry dinasour.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Baked Potato Soup

All the flavour of a baked potato in a convenient liquid form for people without teeth or those too lazy to use them.

You'll need:

- baaaaaaacon
- oooonion
- potatoes (4ish)
- milk/water
- bullion cubes
- green onions
- cheddar cheese
- plain yogurt

Fry the bacon in the bottom of your dutch oven. I fry mine straight from frozen after hacking it apart with a not nearly sharp enough knife. When it's crispy, which is the best way to eat bacon imho, remove it and set it aside for later. DO NOT DRAIN THAT GREASE. Toss the onion (chopped) in on top of it and let it get groovy in those juices. We're young, we don't care about cholesterol, right?

When the onions are translucent, add the milk and/or water. Milk is probably preferable but I didn't have enough for soup and breakfast in the morning so I did some of each, about 4 cups total I think. Then add the potatoes that you peeled and chopped and cooked in the microwave, I guess I should have mentioned that earlier. Microwaving is not necessary, but saves some time.

Add the bullion cubes, maybe 2, depending on how much liquid you used. Just taste it, you'll see. Add some pepper and when everything is ready throw it in the blender until it's smoooooth. Top with bacon bits, chopped green onions, cheddar cheese and plain yogurt. Slurp away.

Warning: If your boyfriend says he doesn't want any of your delicious soup DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Because after you eat the whole thing he's going to change his mind and be all like, "Hey where's the rest of the soup?" and you'll have to admit that you ate it all, "DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT??"

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Various Stories About Hamsters

This week I marked grade 6 diaries. I was lucky enough to find two stories about hamsters.

Wednesday, November 10th

My hamster had a babies. My hamster didn't move much yesterday. She was busy taking care of her babies. The babies were really small and red. I wish they grow up fast. My friend asked me to give him one so I promised but I don't want to.

These damn kids are making hamster promises they can't keep.

Thursday, November 11th,

Last week I gave my hamster to my friend. They had some baby hamsters. But the mother ate all of the baby hamster. I was sad. I think the baby hamsters are so pitiful.

We all do kiddo. There's nothing more pathetic than a baby hamster.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

You Must Makee Good Performanceh what they said when they told me 23 hours in advance that I had to do an open class. For a competition. With judges. But to save you from that tirade I'm going to rant about something else.

"Pleaseh washee the desks."

"Sure, what should I use?"

The answer was cold water and a rag. To scrub graffiti off 31 desktops. Soap? No soap. No sir. Apparently Koreans need only sheer willpower to wash away "Min-Su is a smelly bum bum" written in pen.

As I was scrubbing, fruitlessly, it occurred to me that some people actually don't know how to clean very well. To clarify: I hate cleaning, I avoid it at all costs, but I do know how. I remember very clearly learning to vacuum in the kitchen of my old house. We moved out of that house when I was eight, you do the math. Vacuuming was all about the linoleum pattern back then; up two squares, back two squares, over two squares, repeat. Up two, back two, over two, repeat. I knew instinctively that this sucked balls, and I believe I said so. In a fantastic display of parenting my mom said if I didn't want to vacuum I had to go to my room. Oh! You meant vacuum? I looove that shit. Pleasepleaseplease let me vacuum, I cried. And I screamed. Wailed even. But the damage was done, silly girl. I spent the rest of the afternoon in my room. Except not in my own room - that's just an expression, right? I was sent to my parent's room, because being sent to my own room would be too much fun on account of the toys. My parent's room had precious few toys except the texas mickey filled with spare change. The point is I know how to vacuum. The kicker? I've never owned a vaccuum in my entire adult life.

I used to think it was very obvious that one should always sweep (or vacuum), then mop, in that order. I used to think this was obvious because I've seen how mud is formed. Then I saw my former hell-bitch roommate making mudpies up and down the hallway and realized this was not the case. She was a white african princess though, so she cannot be blamed for nearly anything. Then the students helping to clean the classroom did the same thing today! Mind boggling.

I suppose the real point here is that I'm better than most people. Or wasn't that clear to you?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Hiatus Over

From now on I will be fitter, happier, more productive, comfortable, not drinking too much, regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week), getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries. I will write more posts on this blog, they will be better, of higher quality, I will upload pictures even though I am lazy.

Mushroom Ricotta Dumplings

These beets aren't part of the dumplings, but they're just so pretty. They're basically like a work of art and I tell them so everyday. Their egos got big, but it was worth it.

- half carton of milk (for cheese)
- button mushrooms, chopped
- onion, chopped
- garlic, minced
- salt and pepper
- wonton wrappers, thawed

First, make ricotta cheese (explanation here). It's easy, I promise. While it's draining, fry the onions and garlic in a little olive oil. When they're translucent, add the mushrooms and more olive oil if necessary. When everything's cooked nicely transfer to a bowl and add the ricotta and salt and pepper to taste.The ratio of cheese to mushroom mixture is really up to you.

When you've decided on your ratio, grab a wonton wrapper and fill it with a tablespoon or two of the mushroom mixture. Then fold it in half and seal well with a fork. This is important or they'll leak and you'll cry.

I boiled these and then fried them in butter with some onions. I served them with swiss chard and beets that I boiled and then tossed with balsamic vinegar, which is why they look black in the photo instead of their beautiful purple selves, but they tasted good. The next time I put them in borscht which was even better I think, but more on that later.