Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sleep Log

Monday, December 28:

Bed at 1:00am. Wake up at 3:00am for heinously early flight. Due to pre-departure excitation will approximate 1.5 hours sleep time.

No sleep on flights due to Air Canada induced rage. Did not know planes could be too heavy to accept all passengers onto flight. Did not know airline can also oversell flights. Did not know Air Canada does not provide customer service desk at airport. Completely unprepared for anal rapage. No sleep on flights.

Tuesday, December 29:

Bed at 2:00am BC time (3:00am in Alberta). Realize have been up for 24 hours, after sleeping only 1.5 hours previous night. Laugh hysterically. Clarify: is not laugh that's hysterical, but am myself hysterical and laugh is subsequent. Wake up at 7:00 for total of 6.5 hours sleep since Sunday.

Future sleep projection: bleak. Currently 8:00pm, plans to engage in nighttime activities in near future. Tomorrow will be up early for go-karting, as is best done in early hours, followed by 30 hours drinking binge. Then New Year's Eve. NO SLEEP TILL 2010!!!

Have heard sleep deprived hallucinations to set in soon. Looking forward to it. See you soon Garfield ghost of Christmas past carrying flaming chainsaw with suitcase of baby turtles! See you soon.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Holidays from Brittney and Pedro!

Happy Holidays everybody! Christians: party like it's JC's b-day. Jewish friends: don't let the candles burn the house down. Kwanzan's: ...have fun with that. Alcoholics: this is your time to shine. Pedro and I took some sweet shots for our fb profi pics and here are the outtakes:

If you see Santa tell him I've been good. Good and drunk. Meowy Christmas!!!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Black and white camo: helps you blend into the 1950s?

Think it over.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Definitive Guide to a Crazy Life

I've just ended my three and a half year relationship with Montreal and while most of life in la Belle Ville passes by at warp speed, the last four months in particular have passed by in a demented whirlwind, the kind driven by demon forces that makes you want to grab Helen Hunt to use as a human shield as a cow flies by your face (Yes, Twister reference, point for you). Now that the dust is settling I'd like to share with you my tips and tricks for making it through the madness if you're ever so unfortunate to find yourself hanging on by a thread and trying to floss with it. Just kidding, I don't floss.

Step one: after months of post-graduation unemployment, get a job. Then get another. Then when boths jobs offer you more hours, be desperate enough to say yes. This is key. Stop when you reach 52-60 hours per week, make sure there's at least a few 12 hours days in there, including evenings and weekends. Got it? Good.

Next: wakeup routine. First, set your alarm at least a half an hour before you really need to get up. Slap the snooze button until your hand starts to hurt. If your alarm clock has a snooze button that requires a push instead of a slap, get rid of it. You're going to need to get out some am rage by really wailing on that clock. Sometime between the 5th and 25th snooze reach over and grab a handful of chocolate covered coffee bean crack pellets. Breakfast of junkies and champions. Go back to sleep until you're jittery enough that your twitches wake you up.

Then: grab your computer that you put on standby overnight because you sleep for so few hours anyway. Pull up the youtube page where last night you queued up your morning playlist. This list varies, but usually includes Nine to Five, by Ms. Dolly Parton, Taking Care of Business by BTO and there is no time like before sunrise to listen to some Jock Jams. Next, dance around your room in a sleep induced daze, stumble into the dresser and blindly put on whatever falls out first. Grab the three meals you packed last night and stumble out the door as you scrape the sleep out of your eyes.

(Name that tune!)

After that: coffee routine. If you're lucky enough to work at a place where the gold flows freely, then you're in luck. I know I said luck twice there, but that is how fortunate you really are. Drink old coffee. Cold coffee. Stale coffee. Microwaved coffee. Cut out milk and sugar. Add Bailey's and an iv. Cut out all food that can't be consumed while talking into a phone, add more alcohol, turn up the stress, lose 10 lbs. You're right on track darling.

Finally: be sure to have an amazing boyfriend who (says he) doesn't mind hysterical phone calls and bouts of depression. Preferably he should be a relentless optimist with a sense of humour. Ideally he should look like this:

orrrrr whatevs.

Rinse, repeat until exhausted. Do it again, and again, and again.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Hey folks,

I don't have much time but I thought I'd drop you a line as I sit here outside my high school in my parents extra large suv, stealing internet from the neighbours, LIKE A CHAMP. Some say dreams don't come true. I say, keep circling the block and you'll find unsecured wireless eventually.

So as you may know the lovely Little Smoky is not connected to the world wide web. This means my sanity levels are in the danger zone and blog posts will be infrequent. Rest assured though, I will be stealing the keys again very soon and describing in detail what it feels like to, after five years away, getting a first class education, be back at home. Sitting outside my high school. With a first class post secondary education and about five dollars to my name.

Reach for the stars kids. They're pretty from wherever you are.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The last of it, I swear.

"My doctor says I should do the gastric bypass surgury, do you think I should get these pills instead?"

"Is this product coming from Salem, NASA?"
- NASA? No.
"Well what's NH for then?"
- New Hampshire. There's not even an 'h' in NASA. No child left behind.

"I don't want this product anymore, I had liposuction in the meantime." (Product was one week over the standard shipping time due to backorder, she made an appointment, had consultation, and surgury. In Canada there's five year waiting lists to see a doctor. One point for the land of the free.)

Re: instructions to put Cellu-Light weight loss patch in an area with loose clothing: "I don't have any loose clothing. I guess really big people might have baggy clothing but I wear really tight things. I don't think I can use this product."
- *Sigh....

Old Eastern European woman: "I vould like make horder for Astrono-Slim pills becuase I like austro-noughts bery much. I halways vatch dem on the tv and haf telescope to see stars. I think space technology good for veight loss too."
- So's waiting in the bread line.

"I got quite a gut on me, but I just likesta drink beer."
- My kind of woman.

"I'm in the Chicago area and there are a lot of, shall we say, 'clothing free clubs' that I get invited to in Indiana, and going to nudist colonies for the health meetings requires a certain degree of personal care."
- No naked fatties. I get it. How much of the Ultra-Lipo-Slim do you want?

"I need to return this book, I didn't know there'd be so much reading. I'm a half blind widow see." (Later in the conversation I found out that half blind meant blind in the left eye.)

"Is algae a fruit?"

The code we ask for at the beginning of each call is a series of nine numbers, in groups of three, separated by dashes. As I've mentioned before getting these numbers from clients is like pulling teeth out of a toothless whore.

"673 minus 579 minus 468."
- Uh-huh, yes, thank you. For future reference those horizontal lines are actually dashes. We know you can't do math.

"This patch dunn shtick anywhurr but incept the top of my butt. Can I shtick it atop my butt?"
- How about you shtick it up your ash?

Someone else took this call, but it was so lie on the floor and pee yourself funny that I'm going to claim it as my own from here on out. Someone called with the first name Lei-a. He ignore the fucked up spelling and pronounced it as through her parents weren't huffing glue in the delivery room when she was born; Leia, rhymes with playa, like the star wars broad. But no, no, no, she corrected him, it's pronounced Laydasha. SHE PRONOUNCES THE DASH IN HER NAME AS THOUGH IT WERE A LETTER AND STILL THE WORLD CONTINUES TO TURN.

American callers are often amused and confused when they find out they're calling Canada. On several occasions people have cancelled their orders after finding this out. Sometimes when they find out they tell one girl who works at the call centre that they can tell she's from Canada by her accent. Her British accent.

"Canada?? Well you speak very good English, it's so hard to find these days."

Many, many people like to discuss the weather, often without asking where I'm at first. Why do you care what the weather's like here if you don't even know where here is? Unfortunately that's often the least confusing part.

"Y'all measure the weather in celcius??"
- Yes.
"Not farenheit?"
- No.
- Yes.

Angry old lady: "If you don't remove me from this mailing list, I'munna...I'munna see what I can do."

"Brittney, is it? Tell me, Brittney, do you like your line of work? At least your not in India."

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

However, there are some little victories I'd like to share. For example, if someone was being rude to me I'd make them wait on hold while I "verified some information." I would then verify which cards I should pass to the right in my game of Hearts, giving them a moment to consider their behaviour, before I continue the call.

Our hold button is actually just mutes our phone, though, so I can hear everything they say while their on hold. If someone says something rude while their on hold I'll take them off hold just long enough to let them know I can hear what their saying, then put them back on hold while I finish up my game of solitaire.

When someone calls our number a robot gives them two choices before they get through to us: order desk or customer service. I answer both, but they come up differently on the display so I know which they're calling for. If someone presses the wrong button I punish their stupidity by making them wait on hold while I transfer them to the correct departent. I take a moment, have a sip of coffee, before I take them off hold and continue the call. No one ever called me out on being the same person.

Whatever gets you through the day.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Pervy Apologies

I meant to do this whole Last Day of Work Pervy Hooplah but my life ran away from me full tilt so here we are, Thursday night, sitting in the middle of a pile of my unpacked possessions, whiskey in hand, cbc on the radio. This is the happiest I've been in months.

So for my last pervy update I'm going all out. Settle in folks, pour yourself a glass so I'm not drinking alone and brace yourself. Shit's 'bout to get nasty. Freaky nasty.

The instructions for the topical erectile dysfunction products are as follows: apply one to two quarter sized amounts on to the penis and massage for three to five minutes. Simple? No.

"Quarter sized? Whata thisa mean?"
-Like the coin. Make a circle the size and shape of a 25 cent piece.
"Ok, I make-a the circle, but I no fill it in."
-Well then it's not really the shape of a quarter is it? I didn't say the shape of the outer ring of a toonie, did I?

"Do you put it on the skin or on the beginning of the penis?"
-This is an either/or question? Does that mean there's no skin on the beginning of your penis? Which end is the beginning? Do you know what a penis is?

"Do you put it between the legs?"
-Well...yes...your penis is between your legs...I don't understand the question.
"Would it help to go back further?"
-Yeah sure, go for it. While your at it, shove your arm up your ass so far your turn yourself inside out.

"You just put that on your privacies??"
-Sure. If you're 5 years old and no one has taught you the real word for your bits. Otherwise just slather it all over your wrinkly cock.

Some are confused about what the end result should even be:
"Is it for headaches?"
"It bring the penis up?"
-Yup, that's the one.

"I'm not interested in girth, I just need circumference."
-What did I tell you about using words with more than two syllables? Did you pass grade 6 math?

"What happens if it gets too big? What should I do?
-Shove it in your mouth so you stop talking.

"Now will I be able to get out the front door after using this stuff? I don't want it to get caught in the door and get kinks in it."

"I'm at 10" right now, with a girth of 7". I'm looking to break 12", but I've kind of hit a plateau, like working out, you know?"
-You should try steriods. I think this will help both problems.

Before this job I knew very little about the male prostate. Those were the glory days.

"See the problem with an enlarged prostate is that it pushes up on the penis and don't let the blood through.

"Volcano gel, now is that a gel?"

"I'm looking for some sort of a pump or a vacuum, do you have any of those?"

"The fact of the matter is I have one of them pumps, my lady doctor gave it to me (I love it when they say 'lady doctor' like they're still not sure if she counts as a real doctor) and if I get it on real good with the clips and all it'll stay up for 10-15 minutes real good."
-Clips? CLIPS? I don't want to get old.

"Will this make me ejaculate sooner? I take like three or four hours to cum."
-That is perserverance man. I would have quit 3 hours and 45 minutes sooner than that.

"What if the penis is dead?"
-Cremate it? Tiny penis coffin?

"Will it make him grow?"
-If you use a pronoun for your penis anything is possible.

"I'm 57 and I need a little boost in my back. Shit, I'ma go enjoy myself."

"I'll be honest with you, I haven't had contact with a woman in 15 years."
-What are you manning the international space station?

"I'll be honest with you; I'm very sexually active."
-I'll be honest with you; I fucking hate you.

One of the products utilizes a new scientific discovery called 'sublingual absorption' where you put a tablet under your tongue and the ingredients are absorbed so rapidly into your body that you achieve an erection in a matter of seconds. Amazing really. Also, difficult for stupid people to understand.

"Can you tell me some more about this sublingual abortion?"
-Yeah, it just dissolves the baby under your tongue.

"I'm a perfectly desperate person."
-I can tell.

"Hi. My wife wanted me to call...I don't know why..."
-Want to take a guess? The answer isn't hard. No, I mean the answer is not hard. The question's not difficult and your penis is soft. You with me?

-Sometimes the men like to call me things like baby. This makes me mad.
"Oh, geeze, come on, it's just a figure of speech."
-You mean you don't actually think I'm an infant? Oh, that's cool then.

I'm involved in very high level political stuff and I'm sure my phone is being monitored, so to the boys at CSIS, go ahead laugh it up!"
-You have phenomenal self importance for a man with a limp dick.

"Can I try this without a partner first? You gotta know before you go."

"Are there any poison or germs in this?"

"I don't get erected."

"I hope thisa works or I'll come-a hunt you."

Oh man, I didn't even get to the weight loss idiots. Another day, kids. Another day.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Tell Your Friends.

Especially if they like broken shit. Or if you know anyone with a serious hoarding problem, like inches close to getting a tlc documentary about their life because they can't say no to buying things, please point them in my direction. I bet they've got a spot right between the pile of National Geographic magazines from 1978-1985 and their beeny baby collection. Much appreciated.


Thursday, December 3, 2009

Buy My Desk.

If the recession has taught us anything, it's that it's a buyers market which is why I'm going to $ell! $ell! $ell! you my desk for a reasonable price.


BisforC has been photoless for some time now due to a minor camera malfunction wherein it no longer turns on. But it's still a good camera though, for example, if you want to hold it up in front of something and make a 'click' sound with your mouth and then focus really hard on the object so you can remember it for eternity then yeah, it's a great camera.

So I'll share some old timey photos with you. All the way back from haloween 2009. The golden years.

Bad Goth, no smiling.

Cut the shit yo.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I Don't Hate You Cause You're Fat, I Hate You Cause You're Stupid.

It's Me vs. Them. I lose every time.

Them: "I really need to lose the weight so I can get rid of the diabetes."
Me: "No. Wrong. False. Things there are not cures for: diabetes, cancer, aids, your stupidity."

Me: "Can you read me the 9 numbers printed above your name on the backside of the order form?"
Them: "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9."
Me: "No. Wrong. You just counted to nine. You fail."

Them: "Does it sales good?"
Me: "That question is so bad I'm not even sure what you're asking. Does it sell well? Are the sales good? Is it on sale, if so is it a good sale? Do you even realize how far from grasping the English language you are?"

Them: "Do you have any gum?
Me: "Gum?"
Them: "Yeah."
Me: "No."
Them: "No?"
Me: "No."
Them: "Oh. Ok."
Me: "Ok?"
Them: "Bye."
Me: "Bye."

"I need to send this product back for a refund. I didn't lose any weight, I'm still 120lbs."
Me: Get fucked.