Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Definitive Guide to a Crazy Life

I've just ended my three and a half year relationship with Montreal and while most of life in la Belle Ville passes by at warp speed, the last four months in particular have passed by in a demented whirlwind, the kind driven by demon forces that makes you want to grab Helen Hunt to use as a human shield as a cow flies by your face (Yes, Twister reference, point for you). Now that the dust is settling I'd like to share with you my tips and tricks for making it through the madness if you're ever so unfortunate to find yourself hanging on by a thread and trying to floss with it. Just kidding, I don't floss.

Step one: after months of post-graduation unemployment, get a job. Then get another. Then when boths jobs offer you more hours, be desperate enough to say yes. This is key. Stop when you reach 52-60 hours per week, make sure there's at least a few 12 hours days in there, including evenings and weekends. Got it? Good.

Next: wakeup routine. First, set your alarm at least a half an hour before you really need to get up. Slap the snooze button until your hand starts to hurt. If your alarm clock has a snooze button that requires a push instead of a slap, get rid of it. You're going to need to get out some am rage by really wailing on that clock. Sometime between the 5th and 25th snooze reach over and grab a handful of chocolate covered coffee bean crack pellets. Breakfast of junkies and champions. Go back to sleep until you're jittery enough that your twitches wake you up.

Then: grab your computer that you put on standby overnight because you sleep for so few hours anyway. Pull up the youtube page where last night you queued up your morning playlist. This list varies, but usually includes Nine to Five, by Ms. Dolly Parton, Taking Care of Business by BTO and there is no time like before sunrise to listen to some Jock Jams. Next, dance around your room in a sleep induced daze, stumble into the dresser and blindly put on whatever falls out first. Grab the three meals you packed last night and stumble out the door as you scrape the sleep out of your eyes.

(Name that tune!)

After that: coffee routine. If you're lucky enough to work at a place where the gold flows freely, then you're in luck. I know I said luck twice there, but that is how fortunate you really are. Drink old coffee. Cold coffee. Stale coffee. Microwaved coffee. Cut out milk and sugar. Add Bailey's and an iv. Cut out all food that can't be consumed while talking into a phone, add more alcohol, turn up the stress, lose 10 lbs. You're right on track darling.

Finally: be sure to have an amazing boyfriend who (says he) doesn't mind hysterical phone calls and bouts of depression. Preferably he should be a relentless optimist with a sense of humour. Ideally he should look like this:

orrrrr whatevs.

Rinse, repeat until exhausted. Do it again, and again, and again.

1 comment:

Stevenson, Kyle said...

Hey! We both have waivy hair!