Sunday, May 31, 2009

Day Four

Day three got lost somewhere between the old port and mile end. Sorry.


My brothers accidentally went to a gay rave. Reilly almost hit on a tranny.

Reilly mentions going to strip clubs at dinner. Mom says audibly in a busy restaurant, 'That boy's going to get aids.'

Jet boat white water rapid ride in the Saint Lawrence. Garrett smiles for the first time.

I'm sure there are other hilarious/painful things but right now I am so exhausted that all I want to do is cry into a glass of vodka. Tears make a great mix, probably to do with the salt.

Go stand over there in front of the old stuff.

Go stand over there in front of the....nothing.

Sew happee!

National Lampoon's got nothing on us.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Day Two

Family Vacay Day Two:

Tension has set in.

Mother called Father a fucking asshole on the way to get bagels this afternoon.

Little brother has extended his sullen attitude from only things that I like, suggest or mention to just everything, everywhere, at all.

Fat brother took to driving mother's wheelchair like a drunkard at a go-kart track. To get her over curbs he just popped wheelies, pitching her violently backward and then took to leaving her unattended at the top of slopes. 

At dinner I explained what paella was 9 times. There were only 4 people there.  

However, everyone is still alive despite murmured threats to the contrary and everyone saw an orthodox jew for the first time today so we are also expanding culturally. Reilly said their hats look like furry sombreros. 


This is but a sample of the insanity and drunken ness of yesterday.

It's like raaaaain on your graduation day.

We took both brothers out to th bar last night and it turns out the 15 year old can hold his liquor better than the 20 year old who took off by himself, got lost, belligerent and ended up making it home by calling his friend back in Alberta who looked up the directions online. In other news both my brothers apparently smoke and Garrett is a surprisingly good dancer for an awkward 6"2 kid.

There is so much more, and 4 cameras of photos, but I have to go cook for the masses and run hungover tour guides. Party time excellent.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


NEW HAIR! Blonde blonde straight straight emo emo photo shoot.

So much easier being emo with straight hair.

Only cost four months pay.
Expensive haircut, low paying job.

But it's all okay because I start scooping ice cream for a living tomorrow! Thank you first class university degree, thank you.

FAMILY COMING! Lord have mercy.

I'm going to douse myself in bleach and fling my body around the house until everything is clean. Momma Drysdale sees invisible dirt.

Also, Momma D. has a keen eye for weight gain. Must lose 30 pounds by tomorrow. Or realistically, maybe just 20 by Thursday. Enema enema enema!

Momma D. is also rocking the short bus so must get wheelchair today. Considering wheeling myself home, but how to get in it without anyone seeing me use my legs?


Forgot to register for my cap/gown/furry cape so there is a chance I actually won't walk across the stage. HAH! Also probably won't get actual diploma due to library fines. Excellent.


Monday, May 25, 2009

A Collection of Food.

Here is some food I've made that didn't make the cut for a whole blog post, but were still delicious and thus warrant their own little piece of internet fame. If you like, pretend I made them all on the same day for a very special dinner. Maybe a fancy dinner party? Black tie only? Maybe the one where Dan showed up straight from work wearing only business casual and everyone said 'Don't worry about it Dan, everyone's going casual these days,' but then murmured disapprovingly about it while he was in the bathroom taking prozac and trying to air out his pit stains.

Grilled Tomatoes with Feta and Oregano.....and a Hot Dog.

The hot dog was for protein. Don't judge.

Delicious Burger.
There really isn't anything special that makes this burger delicious other than it has chips in it and it was one of the first late summer barbecues in the backyard.

Marinated Broccoli Salad

- Broccoli, chopped up smallish.
- Red Onion, chop it up chop it up.
- Green Onion, more chop chop chop.
- Cranberries, rough chop. Cranberry you nasty.
- Nuts, I used peanuts because that's what I had in the cupboard but it would have been nicer with walnuts or almonds.
- Creamy poppyseed dressing, like the one from my spinach salad.

The onions made me cry like a menstruating woman watching a kleenex commercial after her boyfriend dumped her and there's no chocolate in the house.

Poached Eggs & Potatoe Latkes

For the latkes I (read: sous chef Kyle) shredded up some potatoes, added an egg, salt and pepper and then friend it up in some melted butter. I read a recipe where it said to add some flour but I forgot and it still worked.

I used to be nervous about poaching eggs, the idea of just dumping an egg into a pot of water and it not just floating all away sounds preposterous to me. But then I watched a show where they said that you should give the water a little swirl around which helps the white hook up with the yolk. And don't forget vinegar in the water, I don't know why, it's just the way it works.

This one got away from me, but it looked cool and magically didn't break, so it's all good in the hood.

Broccoli Risotto

All you need to make a decent risotto is the right rice (something short and round like Arborio), butter, chicken or veggie stock, cheese and time. Add the stock slowly, stir carefully so you don't break up the rice, be liberal with the cheese and pull it off the heat while the rice is still al dante. That's it that's all.

Peach Blackberry Pie
Thea actually made this, hence the artistic rendering of a magestic cock. It was both the best tasting cock and pie I've ever had.

Late Night Desserts (Ice Cream, Ginger Cookies & Peaches, Oh My!)

Om nom nom.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Dove Can Wash my Fat Ass.

Remember Dove's campaign for 'real' beauty? Puhlease. This shit's about to get real real. The problem with the whole love-your-soapy-self deal is that sure, old plus sized broads look good on their own or in a group, but the real self esteem test lies in the direct comparison. You're only as pretty as the really pretty bitch beside you, and you're only better if you're bitchier.

We found this gal on the street, all wrinkled up and thrown out, but then that's to be expected of last years calendar I suppose. She now takes up permanent residence on our bathroom door, angelically watching over the living room and bestowing chainsaw boners on all who cross her path.

I will now recreate this stunning image for you. Boners away Dove. Let's do this.

First up, face:

I don't have the coy half smirk down, mine is more constipated librarian, but I think I get an B+ on the hair considering I didn't have access to a wind machine.

Next down, titties:

The cup runeth over.

The cup eth too big.

And broken, but alas 'tis mine only white
bra and I cannea afford another.

And finally, the piece de photoshop resistance:

I did some quick measurements and proportion wise her legs take up 60% of the length of her body. Mine hover at somewhere near 23%. Top tall bro, top tall. However, if photoshop were to correct my knockknees that might boost me skyward a little. Plus, and I'm not sure if this is possible, but if you could just split that one leg in two right down the middle we might reach approximately the same width as Bambi over there. I'm slightly more moose than deer.

Obviously I left out the most important part, but unfortunately I seem to have misplaced my gigantic chainsaw. The closest thing I had was a puny handsaw and nobody likes a handsaw. Too much chafing. When it comes to babes and power tools you just can't fake it,
although the google image search results of those two things suggest you can do anything with a little disinfectant and a camera.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Poverty Snax.

Today I had a chocolate craving sans the funds and goods to soothe my sweet tooth. The rest, c'est blog historie. Blogstorie? Note: chocolate sprinkles were purchased pre-poverty.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


After five days and nights of intensive drinking I need to rid my body of many a nameless toxin. So far my ideas are:

- raw food vegan diet. Vetoed due to a) my love of warm food and b) my lack of desire to become a know-it-all jerk face.

- salt water. This I'm not sure about because it seems counter intuitive if I want to rehydrate. I'm going to look into this further though.

- Laxative. Vetoed due to my already finethankyou bowel movements.

- Exercise and properly balanced diet.... nahhhhhhh.

If anyone has ideas of how to cleanse myself without actually cleansing anything, or furthermore actually doing anything, please let me know. I look forward to giving it much thought before not doing it.

Also, this weekend I saw the new Dane Cook special and I actually laughed which was startling and potentially life changing (the bit about my life wherein I don't like Dane Cook except for his handsome arm muscles). Can someone please verify if this is a legit reaction or merely due to my perma-buzz. Ahh sank you sank you.

Maine vacay update to come.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Drunk Diaries

Dear Drunk Diary,

Today I thought the most awesome thing I did was leap from the dock onto a moving barge loaded with garbage, but then I poured flaming ouzo onto the table and smoked the vapours through a bendy straw so now I'm not sure. Plus I got so loaded in the sauna that I jumped into a freezing new england lake in the middle of the night. I think it's a three way tie.

The glass is neither half full nor half empty but rather two sizes too large.

gossip drunk.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Tales From the Road

Do you think I hate turnips because my farts smell like them?

(...after multiple hour car ride with the window done up.)


Happy to be in Maine.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I have a problem.

Some might call it a fetish, or an 'addiction', or even just disgusting, but they just don't understand. I love popping pimples more than anything. Anything. I will squeeze any bump or spot until it bleeds whether or not there's anything inside to come out. I have taken needles to my own face. I have physically attacked others (Kyle) to try to pop whatever's lurking under their skin. One of the greatest injustices of my teenage years was that my acne was mainly confined to my back so I couldn't even pop it very well. That's likely for the best though, as my face would resemble the surface of the moon if I had anything to pop on it. I feel the need, the need to squeeze. 

Recently I've upped the anty on this fascination. Case in point, 
 I find this site a good go to place if you want some serious popping action, and it's nice that they rate each video, but if you get down to the brass tax (am I using that phrase right? When in Rome!) I find it pretty heavy on advertisements and the amount of categories is a bit overwhelming. 

My first choice for a reliable quick fix is youtube. There is no short supply of weirdos who are willing to bust out the digital camera before they go to town and you can tell it's going to be a good one if you have to confirm your birth date (that all sounds very much like I'm talking about porn). Here are some of my faves (be warned, we're talking about puss, whiteheads and the human condition; this is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach):

This one is a good example of sheer volume from a single hole.  Plus you get to listen to trashy english people talking in the background. 

Even Soulja Boy's getting into it!

I'm so amazed by ones like this that look like silly string. 

I've recently got into cyst popping as well, which is like a pimple pop x 1000. Some of them actually gross my out a little....although obviously not enough to stop.

Okay, I think I've revealed enough weirdness for one day. I'm going to
 go pop something. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Productivity Update

Someone once said war is hell. They've never had squirrels in their garden.

The glorified rats dug up my fucking garden so fortifications were made. Unfortunately the 'chicken wire' turned out to only look like metal and in fact was made of plastic so they'll probably chew through it in no time. Plus it's held together with twist ties. Details. Then we littered the ground with cayanne powder becuase we read it burns their little paws. However i don't considering that most of the squirrels in Montreal look like they've been chewing on a crack pipe I'm not sure a little cayanne powder is going to bother them.

Then we made Chilli con Carne and Cornbread Muffins.

Yes those are whole kernals gracing the top of each muffin. God is in the details, and whole in your poop.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Today as part of my new and improved life plan to do something productive everyday we made a garden. Garden's are fun, though not terribly funny, so I'll just bother you with photos.

This is Tay, holding seeds. Isn't she gorg? xoxo!

Here is one of our many fine potted plants. Mint for moijitos, yay!

This one is basilic, which is french for marijuana I'm told.

This is the dirt we worked up.

This is a ring I found working up the dirt, it's also a bottle opener, which is great because it really matches my pucca shell necklace.

What a hoe!! Actually it's a rake. What a rake!!

This is me yakking about how far apart the pea rows should be although I don't know the first thing about peas or rows.

This is a row of peas.

Here we have onions, beets and carrots.

Tomates in the corner, hopefully killer variety.

If you thought that was interesting, then stay tuned because I plan to document every inch of my plants lives. Assuming they grow. Please grow little plants, I'm going to run out of money soon and I'm counting on you for a source of nourishment during these troubled times. Sleep tight little seeds.