Thursday, November 24, 2011

How to go to the bathroom: an idiot's guide

Step 1: Enter bathroom, take toilet paper. Do not forget toilet paper. If you forget toilet paper, go back, take toilet paper.

Step 2: Enter stall, tuck toilet paper in scarf to free up your hands. Roll up your pants to the knees to prevent dragging cuffs on the piss soaked floor / pissing on yourself when you soak the floor with your piss.

Step 3: Take the safety pin out of your ghetto casual pants. Stab the pin into your coat for safekeeping. Do not lose the pin. Do not lose the pin.

Step 4: Freeze your ass off for 30 seconds.

Step 5: Accidentally throw the toilet paper down the hole. Don't even feel bad about it.

Step 6: Pants up, pin in, cuffs down, flush with your foot. Everyone flushes with their foot, right?

Step 7: Icewater, cuss, soap, icewater, cuss, dry hands on the pants you were painstakingly keeping dry. Sit on your numb hands for 10-15 minutes until the feeling resumes.

Repeat 3-7 times daily as per your hydration needs.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I love google translate

Oh sure, yeah, I've got one of those. I do my best breeding in a shed.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Ursula makeup tutorial

Step 1: Lose those eyebrows, then add white shiny eyeshadow all over your face. There's no sun under the sea after all. (ps. don't worry, I'm not naked)

Step 2: Realize how important eyebrows and skin pigmentation are. Take a photo of yourself looking like a sad albino alien baby.

Step 3: Watch drag queen youtube videos for inspiration, then draw on eyebrows and eyeshadow while your sexy kitty boyfriend dances in the background.

Step 4: Lipstick, 8 pounds of hairspray...

 Step 5: Attitude

Le final product:

Happy Hallowiener!


Student: My dream is to be a tae-kwon-do player or a soccer player. What is your dream teacher?

Me: Ummm, I want to go to the moon! Do you know what the moon is?

Student: Yes. Ummm, teacher, not possible.

Me: What? Why?

Student: Teacher...too old.

Too right.