Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Surprise of the Century

Ricky Martin is Gay!

Ricky Martin has announced today that he is gay, approximately nine years after people stopped giving a shit. The pop singer says he no longer fears damaging his career with this admission becuase he no longer has one. Commentators suggest that Martin has just come out of "the most fabulous closet since Elton John." There is further speculation that said closet had to be structurally reinforced to resist the heat from the flaming gay boy stashed inside.

The news came as a surprise to several women who have been living under a rock for the last decade. One woman who recieved the news on her car radio went into shock, causing a comedic twelve car pileup on the only road in town. She is currently being treated in hospital and doctors say it is vital that she "gets a clue" before she is released.

Devoted female fans can still hear She Bangs sung by the straight and very available William Hung.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Happy Birthday Muffin!

Despite fart jokes to the contrary my handsome male friend turned one year older this weekend. Even though he's already 25 here in Korea we decided to celebrate his 24th anyway, for old time's sake. Back in the old country I would have baked a cake, I always do, it's usually good. Here in the new country, however, there are no ovens. Things here are efficient; you don't bake cakes, you buy them. You don't putz around on your jet pack, you travel quickly, in straight lines, to and from work. I won't let Asian ingenuity stand in my way though, where there's a cake will there's a cake way, but it was no cake walk.

First problem: I can't read English anymore.

Okay, birthday muffin it is, moving on.

I read some things about how to improve a box cake mix and although I don't think they helped, I'll share them with you anyway.

1. Don't use oil. Melt your butter (or at least margarine) to the appropriate amount. In my case this was eyeballed becuase I still don't have measuring devices.

2. Seperate your eggs, beat the whites stiff (they had it coming) and reserve to be folded in gently at the end.

3. To improve the flavour add the juice and zest of a lemon or a teaspoon of vanilla if you're lucky enough to live in a country that values such things. I'm not. Please send me some.

4. After pouring the batter into the pan pick it up several inches and drop it to ensure it settles out evenly. Then take a knife and draw a pinwheel from the centre to the outide edges. This takes care of that common centre bump. I might try it on my lower abs.

Unfortunately what I ended up with resembled neither cake nor muffin batter, but looked more like cookie dough so I added milk until it loosened up a bit. After 7 minutes in the microwave, checking somewhere between often and obsessively I wound up with this:

Broken cake, awesome. Partially raw in the middle, moving on.

Korea doesn't have cream, but they do have cool whip. Except Korean cool whip comes in liquid form and you have to whip it yourself. All the work, none of the reward, seems fitting. They also don't have food colouring but I put my alcoholic instincts to work and used some raspberry liqour to colour the whip. It worked brilliantly and made it taste better too, less petroleum by-producty. In the end I wound up with this:

I can't say it, but I can sure think it.

I sliced some strawberries and fanned them out to class things up a bit.

All tops, no bottoms = more Kyle than you probably wanted to see.

Happy birthday muffin! And you too, guy I see occasionally.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Obama Twitter account 'hacked by frenchman'

Jean Pierre le Douchsac was arrested tody in Paris for allegedly 'hacking' into President Obama's twitter account. The 25 year old is said to have gained access to the account by correctly guessing 'password' as the password. Republicans are citing this as an example of poor online leadership, while the Democrats are countering that it simply shows Obama as an average person. "Even ivy league grads can't make secure passwords!" says Democratic pundit Hilary Pillow-Perry. There is further speculation that Obama's bank pin code might be his birth day and the secret service has announced that the White House alarm code will no longer be 1234.

Police became suspicious of le Douchesac after they heard the Pink Panther theme song coming from the suspect's apartment. When asked about his actions le Douchesac responded, "Ees not a crime to make guess of somezing. In America eets called a stock broker, non?" le Douchesac is currently unemployed having lost his previous job running a 'Guess My Weight' carnival booth after complaints that he was too accurate.

Millions of American's are continuing to get their tweet on though; BibleLover6969, posted today "You can take our passwords, but you'll never take our tweedom." Never a truer tweet, you twit.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Korean(ish) Ribs

Stumbling through foodgawker yesterday I saw a recipe for Korean Ribs. Since I had a bag of ribs in my freezer and a world full of Korea at my doorstep I decided to give it a whirl. I basically followed this recipe, except I don't have measuring utensils or an oven and I haven't got paid yet so I also don't have money for pears and 7-up. If for some reason you are in the same weird world as me, you can follow my lead:

Korean(ish) Ribs
- Mix some soy sauce with your favorite lemony flavoured drink. In my case I had some leftover Pocari Sweat, a poorly named Korean sports drink that tastes better than it sounds. In terms of amounts I used more Sweat than soy sauce, and enough of both to cover the ribs in the container.
- Add some crushed garlic and ginger, thinly sliced onions and a little sugar if your lemony drink isn't very sweet and pour it over the ribs to marinate for at least 30 minutes.
- Heat some oil in your pan and then add the ribs, reserving the marinade. Sear ribs on each side until nicely browned.
- Add the marinade to the pan and continue cooking on lower heat until sauce thickens.

Normally I'd serve ribs with rice but seeing as I already eat rice faaaar too often I went with mashed potatoes instead and the sauce acted as a gravy of sorts. Oh, and I had some vegetables in there too, I swear.

Nom nom nom.

KK took my baby away.

Krazy Korea took my baby away.

First, some tales from the classroom:

The other day my co-teacher asked the kids where one missing student was. They replied quickly and with confidence, "mind control." Fact: Big Brother is the number one causes of absences in Korean elementary schools.

After playing an innocent game based on rock-paper-scissors my co-teacher asked who the winner of each pair was. When the winners raised their hands she gave some instructions in Korean and then I witnessed each winning ten year old grab their losing partner, lick their index and forefingers and gave them the slaps. Maybe that'll learn them to be better at rock-paper-scissors (hint: always pick rock).

And now, Korean television fun time!

This was a show about octopods that can lift bowling balls.

This was a show about a baby that can sew. She cried when they took her needle and thread away, such work ethic!

This is a show about teaching young girls to dance sexy while an older, chubby man watches. No sriously, I've seen it a couple of times, there is no other possible explanation.

Monday, March 22, 2010

An excerpt of my brain

Sometimes during the most boring parts of my day (approx. 7:30am-11:30pm) I think like a stoner. I think things like, what if my "dreams" are actually reality, man, and then what I think is "reality" is actually just my dreams? Like, man I keep having this recurring dream where I have to go to work all day long, every day, fuuuuck it's so boring. Thank god I woke up so I can get back to dragon wrestling on this cloud made of doughnuts.

I have a lot of time on my hands.

I also think chicken's should have arms. That occured to me last night while I was watching a cat fight a chicken on America's Funniest Home Videos (v. popular here). The cat was on his hind legs swatting with his arms and the chicken could only peck with its beakt. So not fair. They should just have little spindly arms that come straight out of their chest like a t-rex. They'd still eat food off the ground with their beaks though, for tradition's sake, but they'd come in handy for conga lines. Chicken's love conga lines.

I need a life.

What's for Brinner?

Personally I've never been a huge breakfast fan because it happens to fall between the hours of Irritated Beast o'clock and half past Too Groggy to Function. Enter brinner: breakfast for dinner. Hit the snooze button in the morning and save your eggs for suppertime.

Tonight's brinner was a poor man's take on egg's benny. I've never made hollendaise sauce before so I thought I'd leave it for another, more ambitious day. Instead, spaghetti sauce! It was surprisingly good and Korean eggs seem to have more yolk which is always appreciated.

Poached Spageggi on Toast with Home Fries

I used to be afraid of poached eggs, but there's really nothing to fear if you follow a few key steps. First, your water should be just two smidgens short of boiling. Look for the streams of tiny bubbles coming from the bottom of the pot. Second, add a tablespoon of vinegar to your water. I don't know why this helps keep things together, but it does and that's good enough for me. Finally, give your water a little swirl before cracking the eggs in. The whirlpool motion whips the whites around and keeps everything congealed.

From there on out it's just a matter of timing:
- Heat your oil, put the potatoes on.
- Get your water up to temperature.
- Crack in your eggs when the potatoes start browning.
- Heat the sauce.
- Know how long your toaster takes; act accordingly.
- Watch those eggs.
- Fries on the plate, toast on the plate.
- Get the eggs outta the bath when the whites are firm and the yolks are still runny.
- They go on the plate with sauce and into your belly before they cool down.

Skip the coffee or you'll be up until Supperfast!


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Love love lovelove

Oh my god I love her so much I want to take her out back behind the sperm bank and get her pregnant and then we'll have a baby ukulele and sell fruit from the trunk of our car and we'll drive and sing and drive and sing until we get to happily ever after where we'll plant a garden and raise our little ukelele into a guitar and then watch the sun set.

Just watch it.



Thank God It's Krazy Korea!

This week in kraziness: Crunky Nude Balls!!!

It's too easy, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how rich I'd be if had a dime for every crunky nude ball I've sucked on...

Next up: The Farting Daughter in Law, a video by the Educational Broadcasting Network in Korea. This video was made to teach the dear people of Korea English through farting. It's long and slow (the best farts always are) so I'll spoil the end for you: the flatulent wife saves the day by blowing away the robber with her butt wind. God, who hasn't heard that one before? There's another in the series called The Talkative Wife, a classic tale of a woman who tells the neighbours that Mr. Kim wet his pants. Then, Mr. Kim finds some gold! He decides not to show his wife because she's so fucking yappy. Instead he cooks some rice and puts it in a tree, shows it to his wife, who flaps her gums to the neighbours, they call her a nut job liar. Then shows his wife the gold, she still can't keep her trap shut, but since her word has been completely discredited nobody believes her. The wife was totally devastated but Mr. Kim was happy and rich and lived happily ever after. The End.

Finally, since somebody else must be as bored as me at work please enjoy this little internet nugget: www.blackoutkorea.com., a website dedicated to the drinking/sleeping habits of Koreans.

Happy Friday!

Corny Chowder

Although Daegu is the warmest city in the country we recently had some snow in our fair area so I got it in my head that the perfect solution would be a nice warm bowl of corn chowder. I decided this before I got to the grocery store and realized they didn't have:

- chicken or vegetable stock
- celery
- cream
- bacon
- thyme or sage or cumin or paprika or bay leaves

I also couldn't identify which bag of white powder was flour or cornstarch but damned if that was going to stop me. This is what I can up with:

Makeshift Corny Chowder

- onion and leek, chopped
- carrots, chopped
- garlic, crushed
- potatoes, peeled and cubed
- beef bone stock (it was that or fish)
- milk
- 1 can of corn
- salt and pepper to taste

Saute the onions, leeks, garlic and carrots in butter or Korean 'buttery' spread until translucent. Add stock and potatoes, bring to a boil. Add corn and milk,salt and pepper, bring back to a simmer and serve with the green leek parts as garnish. Ha-za!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Spagetti Western

Grocery shopping in Korea is a strange and terrifying thing. Attendants peddling their wares throughout the store shout for your attention like Costco sample ladies on crack. They know I can't understand them but still earnestly encourage me to purchase their sea slugs or frozen cow tail's. However willing I might be to try these 'delicacies' I simply have no idea how to prepare many/most/nearly all of these things; bean paste on toast? Boiled, fried, or raw seaweed? (Answer: all of the above.) The added bonus of being functionally illiterate turns the simple act of buying salt into a 15 minute staring contest with multiple bags of white powder (which is also how I got hooked on coke). So for now I'm going to ease my way into the boiled baby octopods and try to make some familiar things in the meantime. Enter: spaghetti.

My kitchen was lacking a cutting board but that's nothing an old pizza box and a good attitude can't fix.

All garlic comes pre-peeled which is basically the greatest thing on earth.

The other important thing to know about my cooking efforts is that I have only two burners, one frying pan and no oven. However, where there's a will there's a way to make pan fried garlic bread. Not too shabby ifidosaysomyself.

The sauce came from a jar because the spices I once thought were universal are not. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme are the inventions of western pop duo Simon and Garfunkel, who have not yet gained popularity here. I added zucchini so it wouldn't be completely nutritionally vapid and some milk because the marinara sauce was surprisingly spicy.

Pan Fried Garlic Toast

1. Dice or crush several cloves of garlic, depending on how much you like your breath to smell.

2. Mix into softened butter or, in my case, whatever non-dairy 'buttery' spread you can find.
3. Spread onto bread and fry both sides on low heat until garlic is browned and bread is crunchy.
4. Locate chopsticks, enjoy!

My Big Break

I've finally made it! I am so excited to announce that after years of hard work I'm finally, finally going to be on tv! I've been given my very own talk show and it's going to be live every Friday morning! I don't want to brag or anything, but it is the only show of it's kind on the network soooooo it's kind of a big deal. I mean not just anyone gets to be the host of Teacher Time on Bomeel Elementary School's cctv programming.

On Teacher Time I intend to tackle the hot topics facing kids today. This week's jam sesh: introductions. I'm going to get really real with the kids:

"My name is Brittney and I hope you'll enjoy fun fun English and my classroom teaching. Let's make a great time this year."

Seriously. I don't write my own scripts. But the stars never do, right???

I'm going to try super hard to get a copy of the footage because this is going to be awesome in the way that only me, children and a video camera can be. Wait, rewind that, it's going to be hilarious and I want you to laugh at me.

In other news, B is for Cookie is expanding. For everything food related (except of course for wiener jokes) please go to B is for Cookie 2.0 and someone there would be happy to help you.


Hello and welcome to my new home, B is for Cookie 2.0! I'm so glad you could make it. Mi casa es...actually it's pretty much just mi casa, but you're welcome to come over for dinner anytime. Help yourself to some scotch mints on the table in the den while you're waiting and try not to knock the decorative spoons off the wall, okay?

B is for Cookie 2.0 is my way of keeping the fart jokes out of the food related portions of my day. Think of it as a choose your own adventure blog:

- Are you easily offended? Please keep to version 2.0 and I'll try my best not to horrify you.

- Do you laugh at the word penis, penis shaped objects or actual penises? Please keep visiting the original site and I hope you have a great 11th birthday.

- Do you enjoy corndogs even though/because they are penis shaped? Great news, you'll probably like both blogs and thus double your fun, like slutty twins or eating last night's soggy meatloaf again for breakfast! Except better than that.

Alright, well, I smell something burning so just make yourself at home, unless of course you think home is some kind of naked hippie colony in which case please wipe off that chair and exit through the back door.

Friday, March 12, 2010

All in a Day's 'Work'

So you want to be a rock star? Come to Korea. Today after class students lined up to get my autograph. One special boy asked me to write 'terrorist' on his pencil case. When I say special I don't mean that he was a unique individual. In Korean special means mentally challenged and teachers say it in a half whisper with their face slightly squinched. "Oh him? He's special." Oh and ADD is considered mentally challenged. They must think North American children are so, so very special.

Yesterday two seperate parents asked me to name their children. I haven't met either of these children and only one of the parents but they heard I speak English and thus I should be the one to give them English names. Never mind that I can't begin to imagine what kind of names they might like or that my western political correctness makes me pretty uncomfortable with a white person coming into another culture and assigning new names to the children. Nevertheless, they insisted so we decided on Jaiden for the first kid because his mother wanted something that started with j. The other mother asked only for a 'beautiful' name, so that rules out Bertha but leaves basically everything else. I think I'll call her Pocahontas.

One of my co-teachers sent me the powerpoint slides for the next lesson on the weather and this was the photo she chose for raining:

I can probably garantee that none of these kids have seen a woman in a hijab, so I'm really not sure what she's going for. Maybe it's some hilarious cultural joke I don't get, which might also be the case for the slide she chose for thunder and lightning:

Did he get hit by lightning?? Wouldn't an actual picture of lightning be more educational? In a twisted way I kind of hope some kid thinks that 'thunder and lightning' means 'got the crap kicked out of him.' Back off dude or I'll thunder and lightning all over your face. Hey, aren't Chuck Norris' fists named Thunder and Lightning?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Krazy Korea

Korea has so many crazy things. So many in fact, that they can only be described as krazy and while I could easily do a 13 part series on the nuances of bowing I will limit myself to one post a week, filtering out the kinda weird, pretty odd and slightly strange to bring you only the kraziest that Korea has to offer.

This week: Virgin Cat.

I first saw the vocal stylings of Miss. Anna Tsuchiya on tv in between bouts of frantic, confusing game shows. You can watch it, but it's terrible so don't say I didn't warn you.

What an unusual and uncharacteristic position for you to be in Virgin Cat. So does Virgin Cat mean that you are a cat who is a virgin? Or are just a virgin when it comes to cats in particular. Like, say you fucked the nuts off several dogs and a squirrel but you never touch pussy, you're still a virgin? I'm going to make a song called Poop Hole Virgin.

Sexy fact: cat food is an aphrodisiac, but not for Virgin Cat!

If you're a virgin cat do you wear a cat promise ring? Do you have to wait until after your cat nuptuals? Can you be a kitty whore but then be a born again cat virgin? Are there tiny feline hymenectomies in your messed up world? What about heavy petting, I mean that seems like a pretty obvious way to go. And if you've been spayed or neutered does it all even matter?????

Only you can say for sure, Virgin Cat.

Editors note: turns out this is actually a Japanese song, which is maybe the kraziest part of all. Wikipedia first, then write...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Get Lost.

Has anyone else noticed how obsessive Lost fans are? I realize that if you're reading this you're also a breathing life form on earth so, yeah, you probably watch Lost, but damnit I don't so stop pushing me. Whenever Lost fans hear that I don't partake in the Lost par-tay the automated response is "Really? You should." Oh really? Should I? Did you ever think there's probably a reason I don't? Well there's not, but you'd probably think so and still you're trying to shove it down my throat. How rude. And I know I do the same, but really if you haven't worked 30 Rock catchphrases into your daily vernacular to the point that you truly believe you made them up yourselves, then you're not worth my time. Aw blerg, I don't mean to judge.

But Lost fans are pretentious in a way that, say, fans of The Office aren't (save for the British Office which, by nature of being British and the original requires at least an upturned nosefull of pretension). Take, for example, this actual facebook status that appeared on my home page one day: "Those who gave up on LOST after the 2nd or 3rd season made a big mistake I tell ya." Actually, the first big mistake was unnecessarily capitalizing the name of a television show, followed closely by advertising it on the fb, you drama queen.

Other than just not being into dramas though I never really had a problem with Lost until the introduction of the ridiculous smoke monster. You can't just decide to become science fiction halfway down the road, just like you can't decide that Dumbledore was gay after the fact. There is an order that should be followed: decide first, before you write, don't go back and change things after they're done just because you thought of a great metaphor while you were getting high in the bathtub with your Emmy JJ.

Have I alienated enough people yet? I'm going to go enjoy my meatball sandwich with extra bread. Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags!