Thursday, November 24, 2011

How to go to the bathroom: an idiot's guide

Step 1: Enter bathroom, take toilet paper. Do not forget toilet paper. If you forget toilet paper, go back, take toilet paper.

Step 2: Enter stall, tuck toilet paper in scarf to free up your hands. Roll up your pants to the knees to prevent dragging cuffs on the piss soaked floor / pissing on yourself when you soak the floor with your piss.

Step 3: Take the safety pin out of your ghetto casual pants. Stab the pin into your coat for safekeeping. Do not lose the pin. Do not lose the pin.

Step 4: Freeze your ass off for 30 seconds.

Step 5: Accidentally throw the toilet paper down the hole. Don't even feel bad about it.

Step 6: Pants up, pin in, cuffs down, flush with your foot. Everyone flushes with their foot, right?

Step 7: Icewater, cuss, soap, icewater, cuss, dry hands on the pants you were painstakingly keeping dry. Sit on your numb hands for 10-15 minutes until the feeling resumes.

Repeat 3-7 times daily as per your hydration needs.


kbergie said...

Where are you going to the bathroom that it is so cold?

bisforcookie said...

My school doesn't heat the bathrooms and hallways AND leaves the windows open all winter. It's -1, I'm lucky my pee doesn't freeze into an icicle.

Anne and Christian said...

That sounds fun! Luckily my school has a throne toilet but sees fit to leave the window open and let in freezing cold air. Nice-uh!