Friday, May 22, 2009

Dove Can Wash my Fat Ass.

Remember Dove's campaign for 'real' beauty? Puhlease. This shit's about to get real real. The problem with the whole love-your-soapy-self deal is that sure, old plus sized broads look good on their own or in a group, but the real self esteem test lies in the direct comparison. You're only as pretty as the really pretty bitch beside you, and you're only better if you're bitchier.

We found this gal on the street, all wrinkled up and thrown out, but then that's to be expected of last years calendar I suppose. She now takes up permanent residence on our bathroom door, angelically watching over the living room and bestowing chainsaw boners on all who cross her path.

I will now recreate this stunning image for you. Boners away Dove. Let's do this.

First up, face:

I don't have the coy half smirk down, mine is more constipated librarian, but I think I get an B+ on the hair considering I didn't have access to a wind machine.

Next down, titties:

The cup runeth over.

The cup eth too big.

And broken, but alas 'tis mine only white
bra and I cannea afford another.

And finally, the piece de photoshop resistance:

I did some quick measurements and proportion wise her legs take up 60% of the length of her body. Mine hover at somewhere near 23%. Top tall bro, top tall. However, if photoshop were to correct my knockknees that might boost me skyward a little. Plus, and I'm not sure if this is possible, but if you could just split that one leg in two right down the middle we might reach approximately the same width as Bambi over there. I'm slightly more moose than deer.

Obviously I left out the most important part, but unfortunately I seem to have misplaced my gigantic chainsaw. The closest thing I had was a puny handsaw and nobody likes a handsaw. Too much chafing. When it comes to babes and power tools you just can't fake it,
although the google image search results of those two things suggest you can do anything with a little disinfectant and a camera.

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