Monday, April 25, 2011

Desk warming: Are You Doing It Right?

If you're trained to be at peak performance at all times, like me, you might be thinking, "Hey! Am I desk warming correctly?" Or if you ever worked a day in your life you might also be thinking, "Shit! That heavy course load and part time job in university really put me on the wrong track." As a follow up you might say, "I wish there was some sort of litmus test to make sure I'm going about this the right way." Well there's not, because desk warming has very little to do with pH levels. Unless you meant litmus test in that other way it's sometimes used, in which case, let's dive in.

First, second and thirdly, how often have you checked facebook in the last minute? Take that number, times it by 3 and add 42 - now we've got something to aspire to! Check on that old aunt of yours, has she deliberately ignored the spell check in her status updates? It's not 'Chateau Briand,' god Lynda. Try finding people you don't know, but might like in real life. Find one picture that changes your mind. Curse out people who have their privacy settings too high for your days work. Follow every link you can get your mouse on.

Next, let's take a look at your mouse hand. Does it feel cool to the touch because the blood can't get up through your carpel tunnel wrist? Perfect, you're doing great. How's your back? I hope you're rocking a good hunch. Your eyes should be nice and strained, maybe a touch of bloodshot for good measure. Ever heard of secretary's ass? Me neither, till it snuck up behind me one day. It basically disproves Newton's stupid laws about things at rest, because I've been resting the hell out of my ass but it still keeps moving in a horizontal direction.

Finally, let's take a look under the hood; how are you doing emotionally? Self worth at an all time low? Frequent thoughts about wasting your life away? Did you accidentally look at an inspirational poster that read, "What will your memoir say about today?" in classy graphic design font with a sunset or a waterfall or a bird learning to fly with only one wing. Or maybe you read an article about the Top 20 Under 20 Sassypants of the Year and realized you've never even organized a single Walk-a-thon to Cure Something Incurable.'s okay. Go look at your bank account. It's nice isn't it? And like those incurable diseases it doesn't matter what you do, it'll always be there for you. That's how you know you're desk warming right.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

wow. you just described my day. er week or life or something. a word or advice... I just leave my facebook open all day. saves on having to punch in those pesky passwords and keeps me on top of all commenting. i strive to be most commented facebooker. Second, invest in a heated seat warmer. My ct picked one up for me a few months back and it has made all the difference. my ass is never cold. chance