B is for Cookie

I tried to be positive. I tried not to panic. Mind over matter. Pee in the cup.

Sigh......

Korean medical exams start out pretty normal; blood pressure test, vision test, hearing test, colour blind test, a robot machine measures your height, all good. Next, blood work. Let the record show that I have no problem giving blood. I love giving blood. I stare right at the needle when they poke it in my vein. However, if there's blood already on the tablecloth when I sit down I start to get a little antsy. It just doesn't look good, but I stay calm. Then the rough Korean lady ties me off with a rubber heroin strap, wipes me down with an alcohol swab and then starts slapping my arm with her bare hand. I'm not a doctor, I can't emphasize that enough, but I think, I think, that negates the point of the alcohol swab.

Next...urine. I haven't had a sip to drink in 10 hours as per their adamant requests. I give the nurse a withering, eyebrow cocked glare as she hands me the cup. But I am a good, compliant foreigner so I shuffle off to the bathroom. The unheated, public bathroom, where I can't even turn the faucet on for inspiration. The first stall I get to is of the 'hole in the ground' persuasion. Get fucked, I am no crouching tiger. I'll spare you the gory details, but I no makea de peepee. Twenty minutes of crying later, I bring my empty cup back only to find that other people have encountered the same problem, go figure. They eventually bring out water bottles to rehydrate our decadent, western bodies that rely on water for bodily functions.

Two bottles of water and some public crying later, I did it. Kyle, who started the process at least a half hour after me, has lapped me but it's not a race. We're all winners! After that it's smooth sailing: an "interview" with a doctor who doesn't say a single word to me, change into my hospital kimono and head outside into the frigid air for my bus x-ray. Yes, that is to say, an x-ray on a bus. Weird, but then I'm done! I just have to get changed, hand in my paperwork and I'm-- oh! Oh god. Oh god no. I've stepped in piss. My heel is soaked in human urine. Korean pee cups don't have lids, you see. It was simply a matter of time and fate before my socked feet found the one person who spilled their sample on the floor.

Sigh....

On the bright side, the nurse thought Kyle had a cut on his face but it was just pimples. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHahaha.

Hah.