Monday, November 29, 2010

The Difficulties of Being Canadian

It's passport renewal time for me, an excrutiating process that comes once every five years, just long enough that you've juuuust barely forgotten what a horrible teeth pulling experience it was last time.

In order to recieve a Canadian passport you must sumbit a urine sample, your maternal grandmothers dental records, and $200 in unmarked $2 bills (withdrawn from circulation in 1996). The applicant must also have a 'gaurantor,' that is, a person to vouch for your identity and sign several pieces of paper to that effect. Fair enough. Now the catch is that a gaurantor must be a person who holds one of several jobs, including but not limited to: "Dentist, Medical Doctor, Judge, Magistrate, Mayor, Notary Public, Practicing Lawyer, Bank Signing Officer." Oh, and you have to have known them for a minimum of two years.

I think Canada is a friendly place. I think Canada doesn't have a rigid class system and that people from all walks of life can intermingle and be friends and get it on and whatever else they want to do. Personally though, I don't know anyone who fits in that list of professions.

Dentist: The last few times I've scraped up enough cash to get my teeth cleaned it was by a different hack each time, based solely on appointment availability.

Doctor: I am a "don't-go-till-there's-blood-on-the-floor" type of girl. I have not had a family doctor since I was 17.

Magistrate: I don't know what that is.

Mayor: Actually the mayor and I lost touch a while back, sad story, I just couldn't support his zoning laws anymore - NO I DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING MAYOR!

I'm going to go ahead and say I don't know anyone at all who makes six figures, which I think is what you're asking. How 'bout ma uncle Kingsley, he's bin outta jail for seven straight years now.
Hey, is there differen' form if yer daddy's a farmer and yer momma's mentally unstable? Not to worry, they say, simply fill out an additional form listing every place you've lived in that last five years, every job you've had in the last five years and give two more identity references, in addition to the two required for the regular renewal form. Then have that form sworn or delared and signed by a Canadian or British diplomatic or consular representative, of which there are only two in the country, neither in my city...

All this to prove that I'm the same person I was five years ago. Surly a simple anal tracking device could eliminate all this nonsense...


Anonymous said...

Yeah, we have to do the same thing renewing in Taiwan...they didn't even bother to look at the form that listed 5 years worth of employers/address etc and didn't call any of my references...such a waste of time!!

Alyssa said...

I don't think you need the crazy guarantors anymore! i'm pretty certain you just need someone who's known you for 100 years. maybe it's different because you're reapplying from a foreign country?

bisforcookie said...

Yup, that's exactly it. They needed to see my bright shining face in the consulate office, conveniently located in a chemical processing industrial park. When someone comes in for consulate business the woman gets up from her regular, chemical company desk, and walks over to the canadian consulate desk on the other side of the room. Well done Canada.