Thursday, March 17, 2011

I Want to be the Principal

The principal is the coolest, most popular kid in the room. Any room. The principal can tell you to do anything, and you will do it and then think it's awesome, great and wonderful all together. The principal can never do anything wrong. It's impossible! He takes the elevator in the metaphorical game of snakes and ladders because fuck ladders, he's the principal.

The principal's dance moves are the greatest dance moves ever invented. You should cheer loudly for him so he knows. When the principal walks up to you, limbo bends backwards while doing the Arsenio Hall fist pump, it's the most amazing thing you've ever seen. He doesn't even know Arsenio Hall, he just made that up right then. Even when he kneels down and shakes his head wildly, you might think it's not even dancing, but you're wrong. That is dancing and he is dancing and you should be too.

The principal says the funniest things you've ever heard, and you should laugh accordingly. The principal invented comedy, and laughing, because he is a kind man. When the principal goes up to every woman in the room and does the double finger gun shoot, it's funny every time. Every single time!

The phys ed teacher follows closely in the principal's example. When he wraps toilet paper around his head it's amazing. When he shoves more strips of toilet paper in both ears and nostrils, it's double, even triple amazing. Add a bottle cap in the eye and it's like awesome is a tangible thing and if your eyes could reach out and touch it it'd feel like a bald head wrapped in toilet paper with a bottle cap for an eye.

When I grow up I want to be the principal. Or God. In that order.

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