The Winner

This shirt beats all other Konglish shirts. You will never see a better shirt. I want you to understand that are about to see the winner of the 'who can find the best konglish shirt' competition that we're all unofficially playing. This is it. Are you ready? Maybe you should have some tp handy in case you pee your pants. Okay, here it goes:

Call to arms for all
chunkily-penised boys
to do her right and
do her good still it
mattered slut literacy
was its most defiant

On the tiniest 4th grade girl who couldn't understand why I wanted her picture so much. Heart.

Cultural Tips for the Culturally Insensitive

This week's cultural tips come from the Grade 6 lesson: I'm Stronger Than You. This week's topic: Cultural Gestures.

Thumb up: it means 'OK(agreement, permission)', 'number one', 'president', 'best', etc.

Thumb down: it means 'negation', 'objection', 'kill', etc. This has originated from the Roman gladiators' match in which the lost gladiator's life was up to whether the audiences held their thumbs up or down.

I'm going to go out on a cultural limb and say that thumbs up most certainly does not mean president, although 'Thumbs Up Obama' does have a nice ring to it. I've also never intended to kill anyone by flashing the tumbs down. Both of these interpretations make the game Heads Up Seven Up a little more interesting though.

Tell Me A Story

*The following should be read in a thick Korean accent and slow, simplified English for the parts of Andy and Myself, respectively. Picture if you will a Mr. Onioyshi a la Breakfast at Tiffany's (but drunk) in conversation with the redmedial kindergarten teacher at the short bus school.

*This story was told over the course of several hours, with each point emphasized and then remphasized for emphasis. I will shorten it here for your benefit. Enjoy.


Andy Shi: I am businessman. My job, trabel bery muchee. I trabel eberywhere, eberywhere.

Myself: Oh really? Have you ever been to Europe?

Andy Shi: Oh many time, many time. Don't ask me. I have go eberywhere. One time I took train from Switzerrand to Roma.

Myself: Oh wow, actually I've also taken that train-

Andy Shi: My story is special, prease risten. In train car was woman, I think to myself maybe she is Japanese, maybe she is Chinese, I don't know. I don't know. I don't ask. Then, she has a packagee. She open packagee. And, it was kimbap! I so surprisee! So I ask, "한국 사람임니다?" (Are you Korean?) "에, 한국 사람. (Yes, I am Korean). So surprisee! She giveh me kimbap, wooah, so delishee. It was after nine pm, eberyone leave train car, only we are continue. She tell me, she is go to Firenze, her husband is tenor singer. I go to Roma for business. She tell me, your white shirt is dirty at wrist and neck. I trabel for many days, so dirty. She tell me, I can washee it for you. I am confused, what she mean? But, I giveh my shirt to her and I watch her, she washee it for me. This is sad story... Maybe you can guess what happen?

Myself: Ummm, well, I'm not totally sure...

Andy Shi: We made history... Can you guess what I mean?

Myself: Ummm, well, yeaaah? I think can guess...

Andy Shi: We made history... You can guess what I mean. Then she go to Firenze and I go to Roma. She tell me, I have to see you again. Not should. Have to. If not, I might die. She tell me, come back to Firenze. I will wait for you at train station.

*Side bar: I assume there were dates and times involved here, not just random waiting. These sorts of practicalities are lost in dramatic storytelling though.

Andy Shi: So after businessee I must go back to Switzerrand. I think berry muchee. I was 43 years old, she 34.

*Side bar: For those not in the know, this automatically means he was married with children, and possibly her as well.

Andy Shi: I thinkee so hard. I thinkee if I will see her again it will break her family. (*Insert dramatic hand movement. Break.) So, I don't get off train. I don't look for her. I never see her again... I miss her for 10 years. I repent, so muchee repent.

Myself: Wow...that's just like a movie. So romantic. Tell me, was she beautiful?

Andy Shi: I don't remember. The train was bery dim. Do you know what I mean? The lights were down. I cannot see.

Myself: Oh. Oh...huh.

Andy Shi: But I cannot sleep without woman. So I haveh bery many girlfriends. Ebery city; London, Baris, Bancouber, Moscow. But I have rule: no street girl. Never street girl. Bery dangerous.

Myself: Oh...yes, of course, dangerous. Umm, how do you meet your girlfriends then?

Andy Shi: My friends, business partners, they can find girl for me. Or I can go to embassy.

Myself: Embassy? 대사관?

Andy Shi: Yes.

Myself: Wow.

*Side bar: I did'nt ask what exactly happens at the embassy. Although curious, I'd just really rather not know.

Andy Shi: My rife askeh me, do you have girlfriend? I say, WHY YOU ASKEH ME THIS?!?! (*Abrupt topic change)If you want trabel, you just askeh you husband. (*Gestures to a man who is not my husband, or boyfriend.) He gibeh you money.

Myself: Ahh, thank you Andy Shi. I'll keep that in mind.


And so ended my conversation with Andy. He took down my name, email address and phone number at least three times. He told me that next time we meet he will tell me the rest of the story. The rest? Oh yes, he says this woman came back to Korea and tried to find him. She wrote a letter in the newspaper. Really? 신문? Yes. She wrote a letter in the newspaper to find out who Andy was. And he read it. Craigslist missed connections style, 25 years before it was invented. This of course sounds like a crock of shit and makes me doubt the entire story but that means my entire evening was a waste and so was the last tenish minutes of your life reading this so we're going to go with implausible, but true. Implausible, but true.

Krazy Korea Komes Early

Yes I know that 'komes' looks like it should be pronounced 'combs' even though it's supposed to sound like 'comes' but I'm on this whole crazy with a k shtick and really you should just be happy for me that Korea hasn't sucked that last bit of creativity out of me, however terrible it is.

And yes, once upon a time I said I'd keep the Krazy Korean things down to a once a week well guess what I lied. Korea is too Krazy to be restrained like that. Plus, I need to vent, a lot, because my shitometer is off the charts and I simply don't have the prescription meds to bring it back down.

So.

My co-teacher announced yesterday that she's getting married...in June. Koreans don't get 'engaged' I'm told, they just decide to get married, which is what she did this past weekend. My other co-teacher told me that she has been dating this lucky fellow for one whole month. Holdthephone, I haven't even finished a menstrual cycle and she's engaged??? Let me squeeze out an egg out first whydontcha. Well actually she met him in December, decided she didn't like him, but he kept hounding her until she gave in and started dating him a month ago. For those keeping track, that's dating one month, 'engaged' the next month and married the month after that - three months, start to finish, bing-o bang-o bong-o (you can't stop Luongo - cbc3anyone?). I've said it before and I'll say it again - if I've had food in my fridge for longer than your relationship you should not get married. I'm not talking the jar of pickles at the back either, if milk hasn't passed it's expiration date you shouldn't set a wedding date. As co-teacher #2 said though, she is 32...

Next.

Every English teacher in Korea has an 'open class' coming up where representatives from the school board (DMOE) and some of our peers will come and watch us teach to make sure we're not incompetent buffoons. Fair enough, how hard can it be? Well actually, the question should be how hard can we make it? Answer: ve-herry. First *we* sat down to make up the lesson plan which consisted of my co-teacher asking for my ideas and then talking over me when I responded, which is actually far more input than I've previously had. I was a little concerned though, because not only was she completely overhauling our regular routine (push play on government appointed cd-rom), but her ideas sounded highly elaborate for kids who've just mastered Don't Pee in Your Pants, so I ask her how *we're* going to manage this. "Oh, don't worry, we'll tell them the instructions before." Of course we will. What I thought would be a fringe festival indie concert has just been upgraded to LIVE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL!!!

Then today came the rehearsal with the poor class that's being subjected to this torture and we spent the entire period devising a new seating arrangement that might please DMOE. *We* tried out two desk patterns(while students sat quietly with their eyes closed and their hands on their head) before deciding that yes, 5 groups of 6 students was better than 7 groups of 4 students. Next we have to determine student seat assignments because DMOE prefers the stupid kids to be closer to the front, because everyone knows proximity is half the education battle. First there was talk of a placement test to determine the order but in the end we settled on self evaluation. ATTENTION TEN YEAR OLDS: please take a good hard look at yourselves, accurately gauge your self worth and group yourselves accordingly. Be honest: did you struggle with 'wah do warry warry' last week? Now watch as we single out the dummies and shove them to the front. Don't be embarrassed, it's what DMOE wants. At the end of the ordeal one boy (at the front) said to me, "Teacha, teacha, no study today?" No dear, that's not what DMOE wants. Naturally after creating this desk arrangement we can't use the classroom so I have to go around to homerooms for the other classes...open class isn't until next Friday.

This is already too long but allow me to just describe my shitacular upcoming schedule: off Saturday and Sunday, work Monday except they've cancelled all my classes for no reason so I'll sit around all day with my finger up my butt and then off Tuesday and Wednesday. Congratulations administration, just a stellar job all around.

KK in the Classroom

Koreans love to chant. A chant is halfway between regular speech and a song. A chant is to a song what an acrostic is to a poem. What a greeting card is to prose. What nails on a chalk board is to my ears. These are the lyrics to one such chant:

Wah do warry warry wah wah wah
Wah do warry warry wah wah wah
Where is my bat? It's in the box.
Where is my bat? It's in the box.
Oh thanks Mom.

For the record, 'wah do warry' doesn't mean anything in English or Korean, which is great if the lesson was on gutteral noises but it wasn't. My co-teacher then had the students re-write the lyrics to spice things up a bit. By and large it was pretty standard: where is my pencil? It's on my desk. Where is my desk? It's in the classroom....there is very little by way of creativity here. Then I went up to one group of boys and asked them to read me their lyrics. "Oh no teacher, too dirty!" Okay, now I really want to hear it. This is what they came up with:

"Where is my poo? It's in the father's mouth."

Awesome.

I was also tasked with another film this week. The subject was 'When's Your Birthday?' and the general plot of my script was kid A asks kid B when their birthday is, kid B says it's today, kid A obviously forgot, oopsies, gives a makeshift gift, everyone laughs. Right? Nooooo. The kids are reading it flatter than their pre-puberty chests. So I ask my teacher, "Do they understand that it's a joke, or is it not funny to forget someone's birthday in Korea?" To which she replies, "Oh, a joke. Like, they're only pretending to forget the birthday?" Sigh. After much coaching, this is the result:

KK is bad for my self esteem

I tried to go shopping the other day. I managed to get into the shop without knocking anything over or crushing anyone under my canoe sized feet and started looking for clothes that might be flattering on someone who is part gorilla and part whale. As I pulled a dress off the rack I felt something warm on my neck. I spun around and came face to face with a saleswoman trying to perch herself on my shoulder. Fortunately she couldn't reach that high and I shook her off before she could get a ladder. Instead she followed me around the store like white on rice as I picked up the delicate dolls clothes and tried not to snag them on my large, rough hands.

Eventually I found a dress made with elasticized fabric that might accomodate the berth of my wide, western hips and asked my conjoined twin if I could try it on. I gestured both to the changing room at the back of the store and mimed putting clothes on; charades team, London 2012. She countered, making an X with her arms. I grunted, scratched my armpits and pointed again at the changing room. She shook her head vigorously, and emphasized the shape of her arms, X, X, X. I wiped the drool from my chin and lumbered out of the store.

Bruised, but not broken I went to the next store. After finding a style that might flatter a post-pubescent body I asked the saleswoman/my newest apendage what size it was.

"Free size, free size!" she explained.

"Ahhh," I said, "I didn't realize the sizes were being kept in a tiny fishtank. Give my regards to Willy."

"No, no! Same size for everyone!"

Right.

"It fit you!"

Sure, if 'it' is minigloves from the dollar store. But okay fine, I'll give it a shot and commence 'try it on' charades.

"No try!"

I pointed at the door to the fitting room, to the sign that says FITTING ROOM in English and say "fitting room" in what I think might be an assertive voice.

X, X, X.

What is this, Pretty Woman? Look, I got money to spend in here. Millions and millions of your won's lady. I begin to act out 'not a hooker' but give up and stumble out of the store, tripping slightly on my dignity as I get to the door. Keep your clothes Korea, I don't want 'em anyway.

(post script: my co-teachers explained to me that in Korea no one is allowed to try on dresses or shirts, only pants and skirts. She couldn't say why. I suggested that a dress is really only a skirt with a shirt attached. She nodded, and said "only pants and skirts.")

She would go on to ask me what kind of food I eat at home.

"Oh, mostly Western. I don't know how to cook Korean food yet. And if I see one more grain of rice I will personally see to it that it's shoved up the nose of the person nearest me. I don't think Kyle would like this very much. So yeah, mostly Western."

"Korean food is very healthy. I think Korean food will help you with your weight losing."

"Fuck you."