As Always...Pervy Mondays

We're approaching the end of this wonderful perverted trip my dear friends. One week and counting until I'm Free Falling a la Tom Petty. Until then, we're Mary Jane's Last Limp Dick, Here Comes my Boner, You Don't Know How It Feels (to Get an Erection).

"That would make me over 10 inches. I mean, how much could a woman take?!"
- "Uh, well...sir...that would depend on the size of her vagina, I suppose." (Things No
One But Your Gyno Should Say, a page-a-day calander)
"Have you ever seen a porno?" (Have you ever seen the miracle of birth? I think it's safe to say that the vagina is a voodoo shapeshifter that can accomodate whatever you have to offer.)

"I have an implant."
- "Uh-huh..."
"It has bubbles that I can blow up inside my testicles."
- "Uh-huhh...?"
"And I can get an erection, but I just don't enjoy it."
- "Uh-huhhh...??" That sounds like fun, I know I like blowing bubbles, and what a fun
visual. I picture a man floating away into the clouds, crotch first through the sky.
Sometimes women call in, usually to get something for their husbands, boyfriends or imaginary lovers (dream bigger ladies), but sometimes things are a little closer to home:

"Does this stuff stop premature ejaculation? I'm calling fer my brother, he wants ter know."
Incest is the number one cause of erectile dysfunction. No means no, if he's your bro.

"Can I talk to someone in customer service? Those order desk people are asswipes."
This was his second call, after audibly playing with himself during his first attempt. He
called back a third time after I hung up on him to say that we're all Chinese people who
can't understand English. Fortunately masturbation is a universal language.

I spy with my little eye...

While people watching on the metro today I saw a reverse goatee.

Think about it.

Swish it around the ol brain sac.

Picture it in your head.

Got it?

On the count of three:

One..
Two...
Three...


WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Since we last spoke...

...I quit my job, interviewed for and was offered a job in Busan, South Korea.

Possible theme songs that should be playing in my head now:

The Times They Are a Changin, Bob Dylan.
Movin on Up (to the East Side), The Jeffersons
Livin la Vida Loca, That Gay Latino

The only song that's in my head night and day:

Bad Romance, Lady Gaga

Good thing it's AWESOME.

Ch-ch-ch-chelsea Handler

Since I can't string ten words together that aren't "What's the name of the product you'd like to order?" I'll just direct your attention to a funnier, blondier babe. I read this article in People magazine which, yes, I read, becuase how else would I stay up to date with the investigation into John Travolta's son's death (isn't that so sad?). Every once in a never you get a gem like this:

My Life as a Beauty by CHELSEA HANDLER


Obviously, being on television every day requires me to maintain some level of physical decorum, which in turn requires me to exercise. There are few things I enjoy about exercise, and by few, I mean when it's over. Working out is definitely not something I would be participating in if I was a librarian and/or my dream job, Carnival cruise director. I would much rather spend my free time watching the Animal Planet or Lifetime. So to ensure I get a good run in, I'll drop myself off in a bad neighborhood and run home. I used to Rollerblade home, but that went out of style a couple of years ago for anyone who's straight.

I have cellulite. I make sure there are no fluorescent lights at any beach that I go to, and if they cannot turn the lights off at the resort, then I wear my nude nylons, much like Kirstie Alley on Oprah. I've been to Hooters. I've seen what panty hose can conceal.

The one area I don't have to worry about are the natural acrylic nails I was born with. French tips apparently run on the Mormon side of my family, so not only do I have a permanent French manicure, I have permanent acrylics that will always keep my memories of the Jersey shore at the forefront of my mind.

I try to always make sure that I am caring for myself in the same loving manner that I would care for a pet dolphin. I love homemade remedies. I exfoliate my face with a stale baguette or if it's Shabbat, a bagel. My hair is damaged, dry and has low self-esteem. People have been recommending mayonnaise for years, but what's missing from this equation is Grey Poupon. Whether you go with Dijon, country Dijon or deli is up to you and your astrologer. I use deli, because I'm half Jewish and have ties to the deli community. The combination of these two delicious condiments is good for a sandwich and a head of hair that you are trying to keep yellow. This is my life and I'm sorry you had to hear about it.


Amiright ladies? Amiright? God love ya that's rich you slay me amen.

Pervy Mondays

Pervy Monday is back already. It seems like only yesterday that men were being rude and disgusting in my ear. Oh wait, it was, becuase this is my life every. single. day.

This is one I found particularly disturbing. Enjoy.

- "Do you think she's gunna like a two hour ride? Do they like a long ride? Will she die if I don't stop?"

"Well sir, I really can't say what your wife will or will not enjoy, that's really a matter of personal preference."

I didn't address the death factor, becuase frankly I was concerned he might have been disappointed if I said no. I found this disconcerting and disgusting and so I was quite shocked when he started to yell at me about being offended. Apparently he does NOT have a wife and I how DARE I have said that and WHY don't I know if all women will like this. I'm so sorry sir, I mean I don't know what your prostitute will enjoy.

Along the same line:

- "Do you think it'll get too big? I dun wanna hurt 'em. I just want to last three or four hours."

This is my favorite one recently, an older Indian man with a heavy accent:

- "If the woman want to suck the dick, you have to clean it first?"

Highly recommended sir. Highly recommended.

If your significant other is not a filthy, disgusting sack of impotent shit, go have sex with them right now. If they are, tell them to stop calling me.

Potential New Segment

Possible names for segment: Fat Bitches Say Stupid Shit. Big n' Dumb. Obesity is the Leading Cause of Ineptitude. Stop Phoning Me You Tubby Idiot.

Let me know your favorite potential title, or feel free to request something new. I'm always looking for new ways to illustrate the inverse relation between the size of their waistline and their brain.

Example posts:

"Does this product give you diahrea? Is that why it's called Drain Out? Cause I just had a movement that was lemon yellow, like mucus."

Mmmmmmm, lemon cream pie for dinner.

"I'm 5,3" - how much weight should I lose?"

Oh, ok, well in that case, all people who are 5,3" should lose twenty pounds. All of them. Because contrary to popular belief, how much you should lose really has nothing to do with how much you currently weigh. Nothing. Also, do you have hair? Because right now we're hearing that all people with hair should get a fucking clue. That costs extra.

Call 1-800-idol-05 to vote for this segment. Phone lines will be open until Ryan Seacrest is hospitalized for exhaustion.

There was a time once when I thought the only Korean I'd ever need was from Arrested Development. An yeong! Yes An Yeong we see you. This is no longer the case and so, with the help of the The Worst Instructional Video Ever I will learn the most difficult language in the world. The Worst Instructional Video Ever (WIVE) uses what I believe to actually be a news program format and offers absolutely no explanations, pronounciations or english writing. Neither do they offer excuses for your stupidity.


Given the lack of actual learning tools, this is what I have grasped so far: An yeong ha say yo. Brittney im yee da. Ching chong wing wong.

Translation: Hello. My name is Brittney. I'm a filthy gringo.

Next I'm working on: I can haz ryce?

This is what you say to order any food.

This Week on Pervy Mondays

In the shaky, wobbly voice of a man at the age where his heart has failed probably more than once, he's seen the world from the other side of a machine that forces him to breathe, and he still expects his penis to function. There's not enough blood for the heart and the dick old man, so choose wisely.

"Will what you've got get my peter hard?"

-"Yes, that's right."

"I don't have any money, but I need it."

- "Uh-huh."

"Well, could you send me another letter?"

- "Didn't you already recieve one sir? Isn't this how you got the phone number?"

"Well, I'd just like to see some more of those pictures. There's one girl on here with a real purdy butt."

-"There's only one mailing."

"I mean, I just want to push it in the pink some more. I wish youdta come out here and do a demonstration for me."

I wish youdta let em euthenize ya, but no means no pops.

Interviewend met der President

President Obama? Diedrieck van Smoogle for the Amsterdam Tribune, a question if I could: you have said previously that you would like to see a larger role for the Netherlands in the G20, is it safe to say that you are also in favour of their traditional cooking appliances? A follow up to that: does the First Lady agree with you in this regard and, if so, would you say she is more heavily involved with the giving or recieving of such kitchen appliances?

"Where there is great love, there is still gas."

-Brittney Drysdale

Finally, the Dutch Centre for Aquatic Sciences has suggested a revolutionary new way to engineer the vertical hinged metal plate which allows water vessels to change course, are you in favour of such progress? Would Vice President Biden be willing to assist in this regard, say, during long trips away from the White House?

See Joe, you gotta get a good grip on the shoulder, and it's only gay if our faces touch.

Does anyone else prefer Kirstie Alley fat?


Skinny Kirstie is so severe. She seems harsh and shrill in a way hungry people always are. She reminds me of that awful Amish movie she did with Tim Allen. Her only redeeming quality is her role in It Takes Two, where her character was the dowdy, lovable foil to the actual skinny woman.

Fat Kirstie though, she looks comfortable. Like you could burrow your way into her bosom and come out with perfectly softened jujubes. She reminds me that there are marshmallows in the cupboard and wouldn't it be nice to wear a full length skirt in pubic?


I think fat Kirstie is the kind of woman who licks her bowls clean, uses her fingers to get the last of the pudding out of the container and brings bowls of ice cream into the bathtub. I think she has a large kitchen, where she keeps multiple cake on multiple stands and usually wears an apron. She gives meaning to words like 'zaftig' and 'seconds, please.'

Get down with your fat self Kirstie. G'head girl, go on, get down.

Pervy Mondays

I've been collecting little nuggets from my job with the intention of doing a big BEST OF post, but I've just gotten too many and it's a little overwhelming so I've decided to give them each their turn in the spotlight in a little segmet I'll call Pervy Mondays. Each Monday I'll pick the best of the week and share them with you.

I'll include notes about accents, pronounciation, and so forth, so you can get the full image of each individual loser and anything in italics is what I would like to have said, but instead pulled the phone cord a little tighter around my neck.

Ready?

Ok.

For the week of 9/11/09:

(in a low, slow voice of the kind that has been coated in some kind of oil based product and is audibly greasy)

"When I masterbate I can get strong and hard no problem, see, but when it comes to anal sometimes I just start squirting before I even get in there." (*the first 'a' in anal pronounced like 'apple.')

This is my full time job. Sometimes I wipe my tears away with my university diploma.

Pop Culture Update

Goooooood afternoon everybody, coming atcha live from my little corner of the universe with this week's pop culture update, the segment of my show where I dig, dive and delve into the crazy upside down world of popular culture to give you the 411 on what's h.o.t.





This week: Shwayze. Hey, who you calling shwayze? No, I'm just joshing with you, I mean Aaron 'Shwayze' Smith, the 22 year old hip-pop sensation who's been rockin your pods and movin your bods with partner in fashion crime Cisco Adler. Now call me old fashioned, call me racist (just don't call me late for dinner), but what kind of inside out oreo show are these guys running?

Aaron Smith





















So white he worked at Starbucks.

Cisco Adler

Black name, big balls. Coincidence?

This reduced calorie hip hop/indie fag combo's latest track to tear up the airwaves is called Get U Home. Who me? Yes u. These boys are combining geek chic and hipster doofus in a way no one, and I mean no one, thought possible. Shwayze drops the beats, spits the rhymes and then Cisco sweeps in with a chorus that'll melt the edible panties off of a skanky skank. That's skank squared to you bro, but there's nothing square about it: take me to the bathroom/take me clothes off/make love to me up against a dirty wall. Shit son, my old lady won't even pee in a public toilet. She says, if it's not disinfected it's not making love. I still say purel is not a lubricant!
But more importantly, why are you air guitaring Cisco? You're wearing a fedora and a deep-v, we weren't expecting much from you to begin with. But it doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter! The important thing is that the honey's with the money are on the dancefloor shaking, rattling and rolling. We're talking bouncing the bongos, tappping the tatas, grinding up on the fellas with whatever God or a doctor playing the part gave em.

Make sure your minds are in the full and upright positions kids, because this song is going to take off.

Drysdale, out.

10:15pm

On a Wednesday night.

The tip off begins for the nightly game of children's league basketball.

Venue? Deuxieme etage. Toujours le meme.

The hitch? Basketball's broken.

But don't worry, the resourceful enfants have found an alternative.

Bowling.

That is, they're now playing basketball with a bowling ball.

Above my head.

My first guess though was that they were just throwing bricks around, but no, there is the distinctive sound of a rounded surface rebounding off of what is likely only a thin layer of drywall between them and I.

If only they had a quieter hobby, like tap dancing, or the bagpipes.

How young is too young to for adhd pills? Whatever happened to the kids who just sat and stared at the tv all night? Could this be the exact reason why people go to the suburbs when they have kids? Is it to spare the poor, mercifully childless downstairs neighbours? I'd like to think so.

Ideas

Somebody needs to get on these ideas. Then, after you've created them, we'll split the proceeds 95-5. 95 being me.



- Reality tv show called Paula Deen's Daughter in Law (alternative title: Deen's in Law). Contestants vie for a shot to wed one of Paula Dean's boys. Ideal candidates know that high fat pastries can be used as a substituted for basically any other ingredient. Contestants participate in competitions such as who makes the best butter soup and get eliminated for things such as forgetting to put lard in Bobby Deen's cereal, buying lean cuts of meat and having a healthy cholesterol level. Potential elimination catchphrase: 'You're fried!"

Potential plot twist: the one on the right is gay!

- You know when your movie or tv show pauses at a split second that makes your favorite stars look like gigantic sacks of retarded shit? One eye half closed and the other rooled back into their heads and a tiny line of spit flying out of their slack jawed mouth that you wouldn't have noticed if not paused at that exact second? There should be a 'best of' website. Perhaps http://www.uglycelebrityfreezeframe.com./


Feel that low pressure system folks? That's a brain storm rolling in and there's a high percentage of awesome in the air.