Tell Me A Story

*The following should be read in a thick Korean accent and slow, simplified English for the parts of Andy and Myself, respectively. Picture if you will a Mr. Onioyshi a la Breakfast at Tiffany's (but drunk) in conversation with the redmedial kindergarten teacher at the short bus school.

*This story was told over the course of several hours, with each point emphasized and then remphasized for emphasis. I will shorten it here for your benefit. Enjoy.


Andy Shi: I am businessman. My job, trabel bery muchee. I trabel eberywhere, eberywhere.

Myself: Oh really? Have you ever been to Europe?

Andy Shi: Oh many time, many time. Don't ask me. I have go eberywhere. One time I took train from Switzerrand to Roma.

Myself: Oh wow, actually I've also taken that train-

Andy Shi: My story is special, prease risten. In train car was woman, I think to myself maybe she is Japanese, maybe she is Chinese, I don't know. I don't know. I don't ask. Then, she has a packagee. She open packagee. And, it was kimbap! I so surprisee! So I ask, "한국 사람임니다?" (Are you Korean?) "에, 한국 사람. (Yes, I am Korean). So surprisee! She giveh me kimbap, wooah, so delishee. It was after nine pm, eberyone leave train car, only we are continue. She tell me, she is go to Firenze, her husband is tenor singer. I go to Roma for business. She tell me, your white shirt is dirty at wrist and neck. I trabel for many days, so dirty. She tell me, I can washee it for you. I am confused, what she mean? But, I giveh my shirt to her and I watch her, she washee it for me. This is sad story... Maybe you can guess what happen?

Myself: Ummm, well, I'm not totally sure...

Andy Shi: We made history... Can you guess what I mean?

Myself: Ummm, well, yeaaah? I think can guess...

Andy Shi: We made history... You can guess what I mean. Then she go to Firenze and I go to Roma. She tell me, I have to see you again. Not should. Have to. If not, I might die. She tell me, come back to Firenze. I will wait for you at train station.

*Side bar: I assume there were dates and times involved here, not just random waiting. These sorts of practicalities are lost in dramatic storytelling though.

Andy Shi: So after businessee I must go back to Switzerrand. I think berry muchee. I was 43 years old, she 34.

*Side bar: For those not in the know, this automatically means he was married with children, and possibly her as well.

Andy Shi: I thinkee so hard. I thinkee if I will see her again it will break her family. (*Insert dramatic hand movement. Break.) So, I don't get off train. I don't look for her. I never see her again... I miss her for 10 years. I repent, so muchee repent.

Myself: Wow...that's just like a movie. So romantic. Tell me, was she beautiful?

Andy Shi: I don't remember. The train was bery dim. Do you know what I mean? The lights were down. I cannot see.

Myself: Oh. Oh...huh.

Andy Shi: But I cannot sleep without woman. So I haveh bery many girlfriends. Ebery city; London, Baris, Bancouber, Moscow. But I have rule: no street girl. Never street girl. Bery dangerous.

Myself: Oh...yes, of course, dangerous. Umm, how do you meet your girlfriends then?

Andy Shi: My friends, business partners, they can find girl for me. Or I can go to embassy.

Myself: Embassy? 대사관?

Andy Shi: Yes.

Myself: Wow.

*Side bar: I did'nt ask what exactly happens at the embassy. Although curious, I'd just really rather not know.

Andy Shi: My rife askeh me, do you have girlfriend? I say, WHY YOU ASKEH ME THIS?!?! (*Abrupt topic change)If you want trabel, you just askeh you husband. (*Gestures to a man who is not my husband, or boyfriend.) He gibeh you money.

Myself: Ahh, thank you Andy Shi. I'll keep that in mind.


And so ended my conversation with Andy. He took down my name, email address and phone number at least three times. He told me that next time we meet he will tell me the rest of the story. The rest? Oh yes, he says this woman came back to Korea and tried to find him. She wrote a letter in the newspaper. Really? 신문? Yes. She wrote a letter in the newspaper to find out who Andy was. And he read it. Craigslist missed connections style, 25 years before it was invented. This of course sounds like a crock of shit and makes me doubt the entire story but that means my entire evening was a waste and so was the last tenish minutes of your life reading this so we're going to go with implausible, but true. Implausible, but true.