Thursday, July 15, 2010

What's up doc?

I've had about seventeen colds in the last four months so when I got this last one I thought fuck it, I'm not going to tough this out. I'm no hero. I'm going to go to the doctor and get the miracle drugs everyones been talking about. I want the shot in the butt and 50 pills before each meal and I want to feel better, damnit.

On the door of Mr. Lee's Internal Medicine Clinic it said 'Mr. Lee's Internal Medicine Clinic' so I knew I was in the right place. I also thought that since someone took the good time to bablefish translate that, they might take the time to deal with an obviously aids ridden foreigner.

When I got into Meesta Ree's office and I told him I had a cough (*mimes coughing) and a sore throat (*rubs throat and winces). In hindsite I may have confused him with the coughing mime because I was covered my mouth with my hand, which is truely a foreign concept.

He then recited Hamlet in rapid fire Korean while I said "no, no, aniyo, I don't know, mullayo, nooooooo koreeeean" and then he made a scooping motion from his chest up towards his mouth. "Phelgm? Yes." I mimed coughing and then scooping and then showed him I was trapped in a box. Having spoken no English so far, or examined me at all, he then said, "This is not a common cold."

Cough amd a sore throat, not a common cold? Those are the two most common cold symptoms. They're so common that in North America they keep the medicine just right there on the counter, and you can buy some every single day to make meth with but people just think you have a cold becuase that's how common those symptoms are.

"Have you heard of GERD?"

"Umm, no."

He then writes something down on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table towards me, spy movie negotiations style. "You have Gastro-Esophegial Refluxx Disease."

Umm, no I don't.

But I can't SAY that becuase he's a DOCTOR and OLD and a MAN which makes him pretty much a DEMI-GOD. So I nodded and listened to his instructions: wait three hours after eating before you go to bed, no fatty foods, no spicy foods, no acidic foods. Then he gave me a prescription for an imaginary disease and sent me on my way.

Ahh sank you sank you Meesta Ree, so herpfur Meesta Ree.

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