Bake Bread Break Bread

I love fresh from the oven bread. I love the smell as its baking, I love the steam as you break it open, I love the puddle of melted butter on a freshly cut slice. My lack of oven clearly puts a damper on this little lovefest though. Korea has fine bread, don't get me wrong. It's fine. It's prefunctory, but fine. White, sliced, holds jam when toasted, these are rudimentary qualities of bread. Which is fine, but I want more.

Enter rice cooker. Blessed rice cooker. I can't emphasize enough how happy I was with my rice cooker bread. Hand on heart, I think it's the best bread I've ever made.

I bought a bread-mix from the grocery store (think cake mix but bread) because I couldn't find yeast sold otherwise. I mixed it all up, guessing at the liquid amounts because I couldn't read the directions, and let it rise. Normally I would turn the oven on low for a couple of minutes and then let the dough rise in the warm oven but, alas, not possible. Solution: microwave. I noticed that the microwave was pretty warm after I took something out so I threw the dough in there. Genius.

I punched the dough down once after it doubled in size and let it rise again then transfered carefully to my lightly greased rice cooker. I did about one and a half 'hot' settings, but I wasn't paying really careful attention so I'm not sure how long it sat on 'warm' in between. I also flipped it over becuase the bottom was browning and the top wasn't. In the end this meant two crusts and was kind of an oblong shape which might not look as pretty but it's not a beauty pagent.

I made the bread to go with my mystery squash soup. It looked like a mini-green pumpkin, with orange flesh that was a little dryer than a sweet potatoe but not stringy like pumpkin. It can be roasted in the microwave in not too much time and tasted great as a curried squash soup. Any ideas what it might be?

I don't normally pay attention to the news, largely due to my propensity to become overwhelmed by the incredible amount of shit going on in the world and my inability to see any light at the end of the horrid tunnel that humanity seems to be hurtling down at breakneck speed without their seatbelts on. I'm a sensitive beast, I can't handle it.

On occasion though, something strikes me as so preposterous, so outrageous, that it I just can't help myself. Or I'm bored at work. In any case, allow me to wax incoherent on the Goldman Sachs fraud charges. There are many great analogies for this story, illustrated here by the Daily Show, but allow me to offer one more.

The Producers: a musical by Goldman Sachs

Starring Goldman Sachs as Max Bialistock
Paulson and Co. Inc. Hedge Fund as Leo Bloom
Little Old Ladies as pension funds and German banks. aka...Little Old Ladies


Down and out broadway producer Max Bialistock (Goldman and Sachs) and accountant Leo Bloom (Paulson and Co) realize that they can make money off of a shitty play (mortgages). First, they find the worst play (mortages) ever written and get little old ladies (pension funds and German banks) to invest in the show (mortages), knowing it will flop and when it does they can scamper off into the night with the money (money).

Now in the musical version the unwitting audience mistakes the show for satire and the show is a hit. This is where things differ though; there is very little room for satire in investments and the mortgages really did fail, as planned. However, after a backstage gunshot the police (Securities and Exchange Commission) arrive and haul Max and the accounting books off to jail (charge with fraud).

The finale of the real-life saga has yet to be written but if things stay on course we can expect to see Goldman and Sachs doing upwards of five years in Sing Sing before being pardoned by the Governor and walking off into the sunset, just like Max and Leo.

They say the truth is stranger than fiction. In this case though, the truth is almost exactly as strange as broadway.

The Price of Rice

When my father thought I didn't know what I was talking about he used to say 'what do you know about the price of rice in China?' Well in Korea it's cheap, but not crispy. Apart from your regular steamed rice and dishes made with steamed rice like sushi they've also got rice wine, rice dumplings, rice tea, rice vinegar, glutenous rice cakes, and rice liqour. I'm sure I'm missing at least another dozen things. You might think in such a place Rice Krispies (or Korean equivalent) would be a no brainer. You'd be wrong. The closest I found was puffed rice, which more closely resembles puffed wheat, particularly in that I can eat an entire bag for breakfast and still be hungy. I decided to use them instead to make faux rice krispy squares for my teachers. After they tried them I was told that Koreans would like them very much because they contain rice. Yeah, not the caramel or the chocolate but the rice. Always the rice.

Puffed Rice Squares

- puffed rice (or wheat)3 or 4 cups
- butter 1/2 cup
- sugar 1/2 cup
- corn syrup 1 or 2 tbsps
- chocolate

Melt butter, sugar and corn syrup in a pot. Simmer gently for several minutes, remove from heat and let cool for just a second then pour over puffed rice, stirring to combine. Press into a pan lined with parchment without burning your little fingers. Pour melted chocolate over the top and let cool in fridge several hours.

Ginger Beef

So I accidentally spent $30 on beef the other day. I thought the butcher and I agreed on three pieces of the meat, but apparently we decided on three times ten thousand won worth of meat. It's okay though, I hear if you buy the cow you get the milk for free, right? Something like that.

My recipe for ginger beef can be found here, but I've made a few modifications. Some are good, some are bad, I'll share them all.

1. Instead of breading the meat I tried to do something more like a tempura batter and it was pretty much a fail. The batter just slid off of the meat and cooked in a partially attached puddle in the pan. I'm assuming there was just something off with the batter, but I think I'll stick with the tried and true method in the future.

2. After sauteing the onions and carrots, push them to the edges of the pan and then pour the sauce ingredients in the middle. This saves the veggies from getting soggy in the sauce while it's simmering (on the sea shore).

3. Some tips on ginger. First, Chef at Home and in my Dreams Michael Smith suggests keeping your ginger in the freezer. It turns into a powder with less stringy bits when you grate it. Second, instead of futzing around with a peeler you can simply scrape the peel off with a spoon. Finally, if texture isn't crucial Nigella Lawson, babe extraordinaire, suggests just leaving the damn peel on; it's just roughage after all. If it keeps Nigella regular then it's good enough for me.

4. Blanche - not just a Golden Girl. Blanching is great if your burners are full becuase you can do it without a stove. Just boil some water in the kettle and pour over a colainder of veggies, in this case I used baby bok choy. I put a second bowl under the colainder so they could have a set in the water for a couple minutes. When they soften up a bit just pull them out and shake them off.

I also tried my hand at green onion cakes. I am without a doubt certain that the best green onion cakes can be found in Edmonton, Alberta. I'm going to sound older than I'd like, but I have such fond memories of eating green onion cakes on the street at the fringe festival, trying to balance the puddles of soy sauce and hot sauce, running from show to show, buying strange jewlery from the vendors. Sigh...okay, trip down memory lane is over. These cakes were pretty darn close to the ones back home. Here's how you can have a taste of Edmonton:

- mix 1 1/2 cups flour with 3/4 cups hot water. Work into a dough, adding flour until it's not too sticky.

- divide into four pieces, roll each out and spread a little oil over the surface. Sprinkly with salt and green onions and roll it up like a log then roll it up like a snail. Log then snail, great analogies Brittney.



- Roll it out again into a circle(ish) and the onions should be distributed evenly throughout. Fry on each side in a little oil, dunk it in some soy sauce and go take a dip in the fountain at Churchill square.

KK is bad for my self esteem

I tried to go shopping the other day. I managed to get into the shop without knocking anything over or crushing anyone under my canoe sized feet and started looking for clothes that might be flattering on someone who is part gorilla and part whale. As I pulled a dress off the rack I felt something warm on my neck. I spun around and came face to face with a saleswoman trying to perch herself on my shoulder. Fortunately she couldn't reach that high and I shook her off before she could get a ladder. Instead she followed me around the store like white on rice as I picked up the delicate dolls clothes and tried not to snag them on my large, rough hands.

Eventually I found a dress made with elasticized fabric that might accomodate the berth of my wide, western hips and asked my conjoined twin if I could try it on. I gestured both to the changing room at the back of the store and mimed putting clothes on; charades team, London 2012. She countered, making an X with her arms. I grunted, scratched my armpits and pointed again at the changing room. She shook her head vigorously, and emphasized the shape of her arms, X, X, X. I wiped the drool from my chin and lumbered out of the store.

Bruised, but not broken I went to the next store. After finding a style that might flatter a post-pubescent body I asked the saleswoman/my newest apendage what size it was.

"Free size, free size!" she explained.

"Ahhh," I said, "I didn't realize the sizes were being kept in a tiny fishtank. Give my regards to Willy."

"No, no! Same size for everyone!"

Right.

"It fit you!"

Sure, if 'it' is minigloves from the dollar store. But okay fine, I'll give it a shot and commence 'try it on' charades.

"No try!"

I pointed at the door to the fitting room, to the sign that says FITTING ROOM in English and say "fitting room" in what I think might be an assertive voice.

X, X, X.

What is this, Pretty Woman? Look, I got money to spend in here. Millions and millions of your won's lady. I begin to act out 'not a hooker' but give up and stumble out of the store, tripping slightly on my dignity as I get to the door. Keep your clothes Korea, I don't want 'em anyway.

(post script: my co-teachers explained to me that in Korea no one is allowed to try on dresses or shirts, only pants and skirts. She couldn't say why. I suggested that a dress is really only a skirt with a shirt attached. She nodded, and said "only pants and skirts.")

She would go on to ask me what kind of food I eat at home.

"Oh, mostly Western. I don't know how to cook Korean food yet. And if I see one more grain of rice I will personally see to it that it's shoved up the nose of the person nearest me. I don't think Kyle would like this very much. So yeah, mostly Western."

"Korean food is very healthy. I think Korean food will help you with your weight losing."

"Fuck you."

We're Going to Cannes!

After much anticipation (on my part) I have made my film debut! I present to you my short film entitled In, On, Under. It has been my baby for the past three days after getting the go-ahead from my reluctant producers (co-teacha thinkee it's too difficult). I wrote, directed and edited this masterpiece. I was also costume and set designer (brought my cape and got the key for the broadcast room), camera-man (held digital camera relatively steady) and creative director (drew the opening credits). But I don't want all the credit; two grade five kids whose names I don't remember also showed up.

Enjoy.


Behind the scenes gossip:

This film, which was a much welcomed creative thought by my co-teacher, was almost canned becuase my producers thought the magic trick required "too much skill". I explained that monkey's perform tricks like this all the time, no problem! Then they wanted me to take the boy's role because, as you can see, "he is not bery good." Yeahhhhh, I'm afraid I can't fire a ten year old boy and assume his role simply because his acting skills aren't up to par.

Plus, I'm no one's understudy.

Penny for your socks.

There are many difficult things about living in Korea but for me the worst thing is socks. At home from the months of April to October I refuse to wear socks at all. Snow in June? Don't care, not wearing them. They make me feel stifled, like someone is strangling my ankles and my toes can't express themselves (I have very expressive toes). For the rest of the year when socks are a climatic 'must' my collection consists of a half dozen mistmatched oddities, each with one or several holes. Coming to Korea meant I had to get my sock act together. Everyone here will notice, and judge harshly, if I rock the bi-polar foot coverings so I've taken a newfound interest in just where my missing socks wind up. I don't have any conclusive evidence yet but I think they might be hiding in the spot in my head where my brain should be. I'm going to test this hypothesis just as soon as I find pink stripey's brother.

Mental incompetancies aside though, there are practical matters at hand. Recently the weather has taken an extreme upwards swing, sitting at about 30 degrees outside and roughly a million degrees in my fifth floor hell hole hot box of a classroom. Unlike my Korean friends I have these peculiar things called sweat glands that cause my feet to randomly produce liquid. Oh wait, not randomly, it's because I'm wearing socks.

The solution, though I hesitate to use that word becuase I fear it's worse than the current state of affairs, is the pantyhose-socklet. This item is such an abomination that google won't even find me a picture of it even though I asked very nicely. Essentially it's like a sock that only covers your toes, the sides of your feet and part of your heel. Here's the thing though, it's made of pantyhose material so you can still see your feet! It's the illusion of modesty with complete disregard for reality. It's like if I wore a saran-wrap t-shirt; sure, technically I'm covered up, but we both know you can see my nips and maybe that mole I should get checked out. Pointless! Well, unless it cools off in which case yeah, definitly pointy.

Anyway I'm going to have to suck it up and get some because right now I look so butch in my socks/sandals/skirt outfit that the kids are going to start calling me handsome.