Tuesday, July 7, 2009



American Apparel founder/creator/owner/operator/CEO of coke operations, Dov Charney (more commonly known as Hipster Jesus), was admitted to rehab earlier this year for sex addiction after numerous sexual harassment lawsuits and far more cotton swabs up the urethra than any one man should have.

Low level American Apparel employee Zsofia (pictured below, working in the stockroom) was quoted as saying, "I mean, I don't mind that he keeps his change purse inside my snatch, it's made of lame so it's cool. Plus he says he likes to hear the money jingle when we have anal over a pile of deep v's. And the factory workers get paid well too!"

Charney was admitted into rehab after a brief visit to the an L.A. county emergency room to treat third degree friction burns on his cock. Inside sources say that the on-call doctors experienced some difficulty applying the burn salve to his dick wounds because Charney continued to become aroused during the procedure. The engorgment of his penis stretched the open flesh, causing him a great deal of pain, which reportedly led to further arousal.

After being released from the program, where he allegedly seduced several staff members as well as a nun who led the chaplaincy services for the residents, Charney appears to have taken the centre's message to heart as evidenced by his latest collection of American Apparel burkas. The traditional garments once worn exclusively by middle eastern women are available in a wide range of colours such as kelly green, lapis, and all manner of neon, as well as fabrics such as sheery jersey, flex fleece and, of course, lame. The burkas are being marketed towards hipster girls who don't want to be harrassed with the slogan, "If I can't see it, I won't fuck it."

The collection also includes a selection of anti-rape devices, made with the best barbed teeth that well paid immigrant workers can provide (available in a wide range of colours and glow in the dark!)

Urban Outfitters is also said to be coming out with a novelty version of the anti rape device, pictured below:

Self Proclaimed Animal Collective fan Ozias Tarquin (below) says of the novelty item, "It's so ironic. You know, because you wouldn't expect fish teeth in a vagina. So ironic."

The AA burka retails for $279.99.

Editor's Note: Since the article went to publication Mr. Charney has relapsed, as evidenced by his latest line of tights:

Oh Dov.

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