"My doctor says I should do the gastric bypass surgury, do you think I should get these pills instead?"
"Is this product coming from Salem, NASA?"
- NASA? No.
"Well what's NH for then?"
- New Hampshire. There's not even an 'h' in NASA. No child left behind.
"I don't want this product anymore, I had liposuction in the meantime." (Product was one week over the standard shipping time due to backorder, she made an appointment, had consultation, and surgury. In Canada there's five year waiting lists to see a doctor. One point for the land of the free.)
Re: instructions to put Cellu-Light weight loss patch in an area with loose clothing: "I don't have any loose clothing. I guess really big people might have baggy clothing but I wear really tight things. I don't think I can use this product."
Old Eastern European woman: "I vould like make horder for Astrono-Slim pills becuase I like austro-noughts bery much. I halways vatch dem on the tv and haf telescope to see stars. I think space technology good for veight loss too."
- So's waiting in the bread line.
"I got quite a gut on me, but I just likesta drink beer."
- My kind of woman.
"I'm in the Chicago area and there are a lot of, shall we say, 'clothing free clubs' that I get invited to in Indiana, and going to nudist colonies for the health meetings requires a certain degree of personal care."
- No naked fatties. I get it. How much of the Ultra-Lipo-Slim do you want?
"I need to return this book, I didn't know there'd be so much reading. I'm a half blind widow see." (Later in the conversation I found out that half blind meant blind in the left eye.)
"Is algae a fruit?"
The code we ask for at the beginning of each call is a series of nine numbers, in groups of three, separated by dashes. As I've mentioned before getting these numbers from clients is like pulling teeth out of a toothless whore.
"673 minus 579 minus 468."
- Uh-huh, yes, thank you. For future reference those horizontal lines are actually dashes. We know you can't do math.
"This patch dunn shtick anywhurr but incept the top of my butt. Can I shtick it atop my butt?"
- How about you shtick it up your ash?
Someone else took this call, but it was so lie on the floor and pee yourself funny that I'm going to claim it as my own from here on out. Someone called with the first name Lei-a. He ignore the fucked up spelling and pronounced it as through her parents weren't huffing glue in the delivery room when she was born; Leia, rhymes with playa, like the star wars broad. But no, no, no, she corrected him, it's pronounced Laydasha. SHE PRONOUNCES THE DASH IN HER NAME AS THOUGH IT WERE A LETTER AND STILL THE WORLD CONTINUES TO TURN.
American callers are often amused and confused when they find out they're calling Canada. On several occasions people have cancelled their orders after finding this out. Sometimes when they find out they tell one girl who works at the call centre that they can tell she's from Canada by her accent. Her British accent.
"Canada?? Well you speak very good English, it's so hard to find these days."
Many, many people like to discuss the weather, often without asking where I'm at first. Why do you care what the weather's like here if you don't even know where here is? Unfortunately that's often the least confusing part.
"Y'all measure the weather in celcius??"
Angry old lady: "If you don't remove me from this mailing list, I'munna...I'munna see what I can do."
"Brittney, is it? Tell me, Brittney, do you like your line of work? At least your not in India."
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
However, there are some little victories I'd like to share. For example, if someone was being rude to me I'd make them wait on hold while I "verified some information." I would then verify which cards I should pass to the right in my game of Hearts, giving them a moment to consider their behaviour, before I continue the call.
Our hold button is actually just mutes our phone, though, so I can hear everything they say while their on hold. If someone says something rude while their on hold I'll take them off hold just long enough to let them know I can hear what their saying, then put them back on hold while I finish up my game of solitaire.
When someone calls our number a robot gives them two choices before they get through to us: order desk or customer service. I answer both, but they come up differently on the display so I know which they're calling for. If someone presses the wrong button I punish their stupidity by making them wait on hold while I transfer them to the correct departent. I take a moment, have a sip of coffee, before I take them off hold and continue the call. No one ever called me out on being the same person.
Whatever gets you through the day.