I meant to do this whole Last Day of Work Pervy Hooplah but my life ran away from me full tilt so here we are, Thursday night, sitting in the middle of a pile of my unpacked possessions, whiskey in hand, cbc on the radio. This is the happiest I've been in months.
So for my last pervy update I'm going all out. Settle in folks, pour yourself a glass so I'm not drinking alone and brace yourself. Shit's 'bout to get nasty. Freaky nasty.
The instructions for the topical erectile dysfunction products are as follows: apply one to two quarter sized amounts on to the penis and massage for three to five minutes. Simple? No.
"Quarter sized? Whata thisa mean?"
-Like the coin. Make a circle the size and shape of a 25 cent piece.
"Ok, I make-a the circle, but I no fill it in."
-Well then it's not really the shape of a quarter is it? I didn't say the shape of the outer ring of a toonie, did I?
"Do you put it on the skin or on the beginning of the penis?"
-This is an either/or question? Does that mean there's no skin on the beginning of your penis? Which end is the beginning? Do you know what a penis is?
"Do you put it between the legs?"
-Well...yes...your penis is between your legs...I don't understand the question.
"Would it help to go back further?"
-Yeah sure, go for it. While your at it, shove your arm up your ass so far your turn yourself inside out.
"You just put that on your privacies??"
-Sure. If you're 5 years old and no one has taught you the real word for your bits. Otherwise just slather it all over your wrinkly cock.
Some are confused about what the end result should even be:
"Is it for headaches?"
"It bring the penis up?"
-Yup, that's the one.
"I'm not interested in girth, I just need circumference."
-What did I tell you about using words with more than two syllables? Did you pass grade 6 math?
"What happens if it gets too big? What should I do?
-Shove it in your mouth so you stop talking.
"Now will I be able to get out the front door after using this stuff? I don't want it to get caught in the door and get kinks in it."
"I'm at 10" right now, with a girth of 7". I'm looking to break 12", but I've kind of hit a plateau, like working out, you know?"
-You should try steriods. I think this will help both problems.
Before this job I knew very little about the male prostate. Those were the glory days.
"See the problem with an enlarged prostate is that it pushes up on the penis and don't let the blood through.
"Volcano gel, now is that a gel?"
"I'm looking for some sort of a pump or a vacuum, do you have any of those?"
"The fact of the matter is I have one of them pumps, my lady doctor gave it to me (I love it when they say 'lady doctor' like they're still not sure if she counts as a real doctor) and if I get it on real good with the clips and all it'll stay up for 10-15 minutes real good."
-Clips? CLIPS? I don't want to get old.
"Will this make me ejaculate sooner? I take like three or four hours to cum."
-That is perserverance man. I would have quit 3 hours and 45 minutes sooner than that.
"What if the penis is dead?"
-Cremate it? Tiny penis coffin?
"Will it make him grow?"
-If you use a pronoun for your penis anything is possible.
"I'm 57 and I need a little boost in my back. Shit, I'ma go enjoy myself."
"I'll be honest with you, I haven't had contact with a woman in 15 years."
-What are you manning the international space station?
"I'll be honest with you; I'm very sexually active."
-I'll be honest with you; I fucking hate you.
One of the products utilizes a new scientific discovery called 'sublingual absorption' where you put a tablet under your tongue and the ingredients are absorbed so rapidly into your body that you achieve an erection in a matter of seconds. Amazing really. Also, difficult for stupid people to understand.
"Can you tell me some more about this sublingual abortion?"
-Yeah, it just dissolves the baby under your tongue.
"I'm a perfectly desperate person."
-I can tell.
"Hi. My wife wanted me to call...I don't know why..."
-Want to take a guess? The answer isn't hard. No, I mean the answer is not hard. The question's not difficult and your penis is soft. You with me?
-Sometimes the men like to call me things like baby. This makes me mad.
"Oh, geeze, come on, it's just a figure of speech."
-You mean you don't actually think I'm an infant? Oh, that's cool then.
I'm involved in very high level political stuff and I'm sure my phone is being monitored, so to the boys at CSIS, go ahead laugh it up!"
-You have phenomenal self importance for a man with a limp dick.
"Can I try this without a partner first? You gotta know before you go."
"Are there any poison or germs in this?"
"I don't get erected."
"I hope thisa works or I'll come-a hunt you."
Oh man, I didn't even get to the weight loss idiots. Another day, kids. Another day.