When America Loses We All Win*

America, I'm glad you lost.

For being so damn good at everything,

For being good at things you don't even care about,

For sweeping the olympics every four years since Zeus himself lit the torch,

For being cocky about it,

For not understanding why Canadians would cheer for England,

For stealing our hockey players,

For stealing Beckham,

Aw hell, for stealing Victoria,

For adding 'fuck yea' to your country's name and yelling it, a lot,

For all this and more, I'm glad you're out.

When it comes to the winner of the world cup, it's one of 16 countries left. For the gold in everything else, there's the U.S. On behalf of nations that sucks at sports, thanks for letting us have this one guys.

P.S. Keep your hands off cricket, you'll only dumb it down.

*Except for the war on terror. As we've seen they will drag us down with that boat.


Don't cry, just go invade something. You're good at that.