Sunday, June 14, 2009

Brittney's Book Club

Hey literate friends! Wanna join a book club? Fuck Oprah, join mine instead! I guarantee that 100% of my book club picks have never been read by Oprah Winfrey! If that dirty bird has read any of them, I'll give you 100% of $0 back!

My inaugural book club book combines two of my favorite things; debilitating sadness and potential use of the dark arts. Breakup Reversed by Robert Parsons is your guide to tricking, magicking or physically harming your ex into getting back together with you. But don't trust me, let's look at the facts*:

Parsons says that 94.7% of relationships can be saved using the techniques in this book. "Almost every break up, whether it be for infidelity, lost passion, endless lies, lack of appreciation, money problems, meddling in-laws or even serving a prison sentence. Just look at all the convicted felons and murderers that get back with their lovers and wives after being incarcerated for years." I also really enjoy how that first sentence is incomplete. The lack of editing really keeps it fresh.

*no facts were used in the making of this book or blog.

Think you might be heartbroken? Breakup Reversed has an easy to use checklist:
  • Unable to listen to music as each one makes you cry
  • Dialing your ex when you are drunk
  • Keeping track of your ex on Facebook or other tools
  • Binge eating for comfort
  • Texting or emailing him or her constantly
  • Constantly checking to see if there is a text or a missed call
  • Uncontrollable urges to spy on your ex
  • Thinking non-stop about why the two of you broke up and what you should have said
  • Feeling depressed and like you can’t go on
  • Preferring to stay at home and mourn rather than go out and meet new people
  • Endless rehearsing what to say if you bump into him or her
I think Parsons provides a fresh new approach to breaking up. He doesn't view brokenheartsville as a one way street, but more of an optional u-turn freeway. He's just not that into you? Fuck that. You will tell him who he is or isn't into. You will be the decider of his emotions. You will pull the strings on his pathetic puppet heart! Dance heart! Dance!

But be warned, Breakup Reversed is not to be taken lightly. His "unconventional methods" combine the time proven methods of roofies, hypnosis, gratuatis sex acts, and "accidental" head injuries. "These Bonding Secrets are so powerful they explain why hostages sometimes bond with their kidnappers. Virtually undetectable, these techniques work on 99.9% of people to create instant, strong bonds." He even claims to know the ONE THING men want more than food, sports or sex. Hint: it involves all three at once, plus your hot sister. While so called "therapists" don't recommend these methods, Parsons says they are a sure fire way to get couples "sitting back on their couch watching their favorite TV shows." And with an extra roofie he won't even argue with you for control of the remote.

Are you a recently dumped girl on the go? Be sure to pick up the Breakup Reversed Quick Reference Guide.

Heart too heavy to read the whole book? Try the Instant Heartache Relief guide. Now with 10% more pajamas and ice cream.
Best of all, right now it's on sale for 60% off! Order now and pay only $39 marked down from $99!

...can someone loan me forty bucks?

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