Thursday, June 11, 2009

Presentation is Everything

Dinner is much like a first date: presentation is everything. A well plated meal is the culinary equivalent of spanx's; it doesn't matter what it tastes like if it looks pretty. Excuse me dear, your muffin top is stale. Oh yeah? Well your bavarian sausage has warts. Good luck hiding that with spandex.

Modesty aside, aren't I a genius? Doesn't this look amazing? Can you even believe how gorgeous this looks??

I heard once, and google has confirmed, that ginger beef was created in Alberta. The caveat is that it's not traditional Chinese food and the combination of deep fried and sweet reeks of America. However, I do not judge other cultures when they alter their traditions to suit my north american tastebuds. Plus Jarsica Thomson likes it and she's cute and has a proper job so you know you can trust her.

Much like my pre-spanxs body it did not start out looking pretty. First you must bread the meat. Dip in egg first, then flour; I suggest designating one hand for each task so as not to create an odd papier mache creation between your fingers.

Next, fry it in too much oil until it's browned. Let it set a minute on paper towel to absorb the excess oil or, if you don't have any paper towel on hand, fuck it (not literally, we are dealing with boiling oil here).

This obviously looks like bleeding worms. With powdered sugar. In a greasy bath. I considered a penis joke here, but then decided less people would try this recipe if I did. I leave it to your imagination.

After they're fried, transfer them to the other pan where you're already prepared the sauce. I forgot to tell you to do that beforehand, but I assume you're not making this in real time. So if the bleeding worms haven't turned you off, saute onions, garlic, grated ginger and julienned carrots, then add enough soy sauce, vinegar and sugar until it tastes right. I realize this is difficult if you're not from 'Berta and have never tasted this authentically non-traditional dish, but just mix them until it tastes good.

Stir fry the baby boc choy in a little olive oil. As it turns out I don't actually like boc choy very much so I added a little soy sauce, and I think you could do the same with garlic or ginger.

If it doesn't look like this in the end, you are a horrible failure.

So nice I did it twice. Mostly just to prove that I could. Both those plates are for me.

That dish is so pretty it's out of my league. It's so pretty I would ask for its number but then never have the guts to call it. It's so pretty that I wouldn't be seen in public with it becuase it's bad for my self esteem. It's so pretty that I would give it extra oral sex so it wouldn't dump me.

1 comment:

J.T said...

This brings me back to the summer '08. Every time I make this myself, I remember your encouraging words "you just gotta keep adding sauces until it tastes right". I hold that advice close to my heart/apply to parts of my life that it doesn't make sense to.