Thursday, August 13, 2009


So I lied about the bed bug thing. I tried to play it off but now every bump on my arm is obviously a bite, every fleck of dust on my sheets is clearly a demon bug not to mention the invisible but nevertheless apparent eggs deposited deep inside my mattress.

Close up of a demon bug.

By ten o'clock this morning I had a rash on my arm that I inspected visually at least seven times per minute (three tiny bumps in a row, just like the directrice said) and for the remainder of the minute I tried to decide whether or not they were itchy (they're not, no matter how hard I focus on them). As the morning wore on I scratched them anyway, sure that I was just immune or had a new strand of bed bug that could bite without causing itchiness.

This is not my arm, but it probably will be in a few days.

Then when an actual bug did land landed on arm outside my whole body started to itch. In my panic I crushed him before I could inspect his shape and size to verify his bed bugginess and interrogate him as to where his buddies have been sleeping. Now I must go and douse myself with boiling water and the finest, most toxic bleach on the market, followed by several loads of laundry I can't afford and at least five solid hours of freaking out, inspecting and scratching. Sleep tight kids and don't let the demon bugs bite.

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