Conversation with a Douche

Douche: Where are you from?

Me: Canada.

Douche: Or as I like to call it, Amer-i-can't.

Me: Actually, I prefer Amer-i-won't.

Douche: (deadpan, with hint of disdain) ...witty.

Exit Douche stage left.

Strongly Worded Letter

I often write strongly worded letters to people who deserve strongly delivered kicks to the ass, but I rarely send them. Today is different friends, today I stand up to the man. Well, some of the men. And probably several women in fairness. Let's just call them the Evildoing Men and Women of the World, or "banks" for short.

(The backstory is that, in my newly acquired financial awareness I would like to review the transactions made on my credit thus far this year. BMO Mastercard "Making Money Make Sense" has a different idea about how and when I can view my own damn money.)

Good morning,

I am trying to review my transaction history with BMO Mastercard for my own records and I do not receive paper copies of my statements as I live overseas. If I am to understand your website correctly, it will costs me $5* of my own money simple to SEE the charges I've made with my own aforementioned money (and the interest payments to you no less) prior to the last three months as you choose not to make those visible via online banking.

If I am correct in this understanding please let me know as I would like to cancel my credit card as soon as possible.

Thank you for your understanding,

B-tang

*To clarify that's five (5) dollars FOR EACH FUCKING MONTHLY STATEMENT, which cannot be viewed online if it's older than 3 months for god knows what arbitrary reason so will cost additional money to mail the paper copy.

This is my line in the sand. The only thing I will be spending $5 is to have my shoe cleaned after I remove it from their ass. Good day sir. I said good day.

This awkward looking photo is of me modelling a dress I MADE! Well mostly made, with a ton of help from the terrific and terribly talented Tina.

My mirror at home is shit, so I took this photo on vacation which is why I'm wearing my vacation hat and my vacation sunglasses and doing my vacation awkward-mouth-expression, it's classic "Vacation B-tang."

The top is actually a t-shirt that I sewed, very crookedly, onto a piece of fabric that used to be a rectangle but is now a skirt shape. I cover up all sewing mistakes and muffin tops with a belt. My motto in life is "Just put a belt on it!" which comes from a lifetime of shopping at Value Village and sales racks with weird sizes, but I think it's applicable to a lot of other things.

This might be the only photo of China that makes it up because I do so hate uploading photos.

Try saying no to those eyes.

"Ruv me prease!" he says, adorably, with a hint of pitiful.

I'm puppysitting what is possibly the cutest little guy south of the dmz. He never, ever barks or whines and when he gets so excited he just can't contain himself, for example whenever I walk in the door, he does a little spin around in a circle dance. I can't blame him, I walk in the door pre-tty well, thanks for noticing Oli.


I thought all dogs merely tolerated being put in clothes, but as I was going through his bag he started doing his spinny dance. Oli! I already walked in the door, what else could be so exciting? Well that would be this sleeveless striped little number, for that jaunty-Parisienne-nautical-puppy feel.

The lighting in my house was terrible, but rest assured this is not the last puppy photo shoot you'll see.

Ch-Ch-Ch-China

All it takes it the right pair of outrageous sunglasses to convince yourself you should be a celebrity.

Off to China for 11 days!!!! Peace out, China town.

Beautiful Beer Bread

This is the same bread recipe as before, but with rosemary in the dough and red onions, roasted red peppers, parsley and tomatoes on top. It was basically an open face sandwich by the time I finished adding stuff.

Lentils a go-go

Dong-A start carrying lentils! A joyful foreigner celebrates!

- olive oil

- onion

- mushrooms

- crushed coriander seeds

- cumin

- paprika

- red wine vinegar

- lentils (these were canned, but c'est la vie ici)
- assorted colours of peppers

- parsley

- tomatoes

- salt pepper

Add everything to the pan in that order, leaving the tomatoes on just long enough to warm them and then top with a poached egg. I also added some plain yogurt after, in an effort to increase my yogurt intake 200%.