Fun With Epilepsy

Want to hear some epilepsy jokes I thought of while I was drunk last night? Good.

What does a person with epilepsy do after a sports injury?
Shake it off.

What does an epileptic in the 1960s love to do?
The hippy hippy shake.

What does a pregnant women with epilepsy crave?
Milkshakes.

What does a person with epilepsy say to a Holocaust denier?
Bite your tongue.

I love this country.

I do. But sometimes I want to grab it by its little chicken neck and scream at it until my eyes bleed.

I was in a Homeplus (think: Superstore) parking garage for the first time yesterday. On our way out I noticed my co-teacher's car was parked in a section, very close to the doors, where the concrete pillars were painted pink and had pictures of women in dresses, like on a bathroom door. Laughing, I said "What? Is this section only for girls?" And then I laughed again.  "Ha ha!" I laughed, "Ha ha, ha...ha. Oh no."

"Yes, this section is for girls only, for convenience. Men park farther away because they are better drivers."

.... I ... it's just.... I just.... I ... I mean... whaaaaaat?

If that doesn't make you want to burn your bra right there on the spot then I don't know what will. But pretty offensive gender stereotypes aside - one's ability to maneuver a motor vehicle into a parking spot in no way reflects how long of a walk they should have to the door. If anything these terrible women drivers should be parking further away in case their vaginas hit the gas pedal and send them flying into the store.

Untangle your fallopian tubes and give your head a shake ladies.

Holiday Cards

Tis the season for children's holiday cards and this year I've got some really winners. Allow me to transpose in case you can't read their writing on the cards:

(For reference these are grade 6 boys who sit next to each other, but they've copied the style of a penpal letter in their textbook so it sounds a bit strange.)

Dear Mr. Oh Kyun, 

Hi, my name is Gangmin Lee. When I first saw you, I thought you were just an ordinary person with weird hair. But when the time passed, I realized that you were creatively cruel. When  I say creatively cruel, I mean you know many ways to kill.

I hope we could meet sometime.

                                                                               Your friend, 

                                                                                                   Gangmin Lee

Now in case you're wondering what warranted Gangmin's high praise, here is Oh Kyun's letter to him:

Dear gang min, 


Hi. My name is Oh kyun Kweon. I live in Daegu. I'm thirteen years old. I have a knife (I kill you). I like playing computer games. Want to know about you. Please back to me. 


goodbye.


Alas, Oh Kyun shared only one of the many ways he knows how to kill, but I do believe Gangmin that there are more.

How to go to the bathroom: an idiot's guide

Step 1: Enter bathroom, take toilet paper. Do not forget toilet paper. If you forget toilet paper, go back, take toilet paper.

Step 2: Enter stall, tuck toilet paper in scarf to free up your hands. Roll up your pants to the knees to prevent dragging cuffs on the piss soaked floor / pissing on yourself when you soak the floor with your piss.

Step 3: Take the safety pin out of your ghetto casual pants. Stab the pin into your coat for safekeeping. Do not lose the pin. Do not lose the pin.

Step 4: Freeze your ass off for 30 seconds.

Step 5: Accidentally throw the toilet paper down the hole. Don't even feel bad about it.

Step 6: Pants up, pin in, cuffs down, flush with your foot. Everyone flushes with their foot, right?

Step 7: Icewater, cuss, soap, icewater, cuss, dry hands on the pants you were painstakingly keeping dry. Sit on your numb hands for 10-15 minutes until the feeling resumes.

Repeat 3-7 times daily as per your hydration needs.

I love google translate

Oh sure, yeah, I've got one of those. I do my best breeding in a shed.

Ursula makeup tutorial

Step 1: Lose those eyebrows, then add white shiny eyeshadow all over your face. There's no sun under the sea after all. (ps. don't worry, I'm not naked)

Step 2: Realize how important eyebrows and skin pigmentation are. Take a photo of yourself looking like a sad albino alien baby.

Step 3: Watch drag queen youtube videos for inspiration, then draw on eyebrows and eyeshadow while your sexy kitty boyfriend dances in the background.

Step 4: Lipstick, 8 pounds of hairspray...

 Step 5: Attitude

Le final product:

Happy Hallowiener!

Dreams

Student: My dream is to be a tae-kwon-do player or a soccer player. What is your dream teacher?

Me: Ummm, I want to go to the moon! Do you know what the moon is?

Student: Yes. Ummm, teacher, not possible.

Me: What? Why?

Student: Teacher...too old.


Too right.