Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Day Four
Day three got lost somewhere between the old port and mile end. Sorry.
Highlights:
My brothers accidentally went to a gay rave. Reilly almost hit on a tranny.
Reilly mentions going to strip clubs at dinner. Mom says audibly in a busy restaurant, 'That boy's going to get aids.'
Jet boat white water rapid ride in the Saint Lawrence. Garrett smiles for the first time.
I'm sure there are other hilarious/painful things but right now I am so exhausted that all I want to do is cry into a glass of vodka. Tears make a great mix, probably to do with the salt.
Go stand over there in front of the old stuff.
Go stand over there in front of the....nothing.
Sew happee!
National Lampoon's got nothing on us.
Highlights:
My brothers accidentally went to a gay rave. Reilly almost hit on a tranny.
Reilly mentions going to strip clubs at dinner. Mom says audibly in a busy restaurant, 'That boy's going to get aids.'
Jet boat white water rapid ride in the Saint Lawrence. Garrett smiles for the first time.
I'm sure there are other hilarious/painful things but right now I am so exhausted that all I want to do is cry into a glass of vodka. Tears make a great mix, probably to do with the salt.
Go stand over there in front of the old stuff.
Go stand over there in front of the....nothing.
Sew happee!
National Lampoon's got nothing on us.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Day Two
Family Vacay Day Two:
Tension has set in.
Mother called Father a fucking asshole on the way to get bagels this afternoon.
Little brother has extended his sullen attitude from only things that I like, suggest or mention to just everything, everywhere, at all.
Fat brother took to driving mother's wheelchair like a drunkard at a go-kart track. To get her over curbs he just popped wheelies, pitching her violently backward and then took to leaving her unattended at the top of slopes.
At dinner I explained what paella was 9 times. There were only 4 people there.
However, everyone is still alive despite murmured threats to the contrary and everyone saw an orthodox jew for the first time today so we are also expanding culturally. Reilly said their hats look like furry sombreros.
GrAHHHHHduation!
This is but a sample of the insanity and drunken ness of yesterday.
It's like raaaaain on your graduation day.
We took both brothers out to th bar last night and it turns out the 15 year old can hold his liquor better than the 20 year old who took off by himself, got lost, belligerent and ended up making it home by calling his friend back in Alberta who looked up the directions online. In other news both my brothers apparently smoke and Garrett is a surprisingly good dancer for an awkward 6"2 kid.
There is so much more, and 4 cameras of photos, but I have to go cook for the masses and run hungover tour guides. Party time excellent.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
NEW HAIR FAMILY COMING GRADUATION
NEW HAIR! Blonde blonde straight straight emo emo photo shoot.
So much easier being emo with straight hair.
Only cost four months pay.
Expensive haircut, low paying job.
But it's all okay because I start scooping ice cream for a living tomorrow! Thank you first class university degree, thank you.
FAMILY COMING! Lord have mercy.
I'm going to douse myself in bleach and fling my body around the house until everything is clean. Momma Drysdale sees invisible dirt.
Also, Momma D. has a keen eye for weight gain. Must lose 30 pounds by tomorrow. Or realistically, maybe just 20 by Thursday. Enema enema enema!
Momma D. is also rocking the short bus so must get wheelchair today. Considering wheeling myself home, but how to get in it without anyone seeing me use my legs?
GRADUATION!Forgot to register for my cap/gown/furry cape so there is a chance I actually won't walk across the stage. HAH! Also probably won't get actual diploma due to library fines. Excellent.
ANXIETY LEVEL? ALL TIME HIGH!
Monday, May 25, 2009
A Collection of Food.
Here is some food I've made that didn't make the cut for a whole blog post, but were still delicious and thus warrant their own little piece of internet fame. If you like, pretend I made them all on the same day for a very special dinner. Maybe a fancy dinner party? Black tie only? Maybe the one where Dan showed up straight from work wearing only business casual and everyone said 'Don't worry about it Dan, everyone's going casual these days,' but then murmured disapprovingly about it while he was in the bathroom taking prozac and trying to air out his pit stains.
Grilled Tomatoes with Feta and Oregano.....and a Hot Dog.
The hot dog was for protein. Don't judge.
Delicious Burger.
There really isn't anything special that makes this burger delicious other than it has chips in it and it was one of the first late summer barbecues in the backyard.
Marinated Broccoli Salad
- Broccoli, chopped up smallish.
- Red Onion, chop it up chop it up.
- Green Onion, more chop chop chop.
- Cranberries, rough chop. Cranberry you nasty.
- Nuts, I used peanuts because that's what I had in the cupboard but it would have been nicer with walnuts or almonds.
- Creamy poppyseed dressing, like the one from my spinach salad.
The onions made me cry like a menstruating woman watching a kleenex commercial after her boyfriend dumped her and there's no chocolate in the house.
Poached Eggs & Potatoe Latkes
For the latkes I (read: sous chef Kyle) shredded up some potatoes, added an egg, salt and pepper and then friend it up in some melted butter. I read a recipe where it said to add some flour but I forgot and it still worked.
I used to be nervous about poaching eggs, the idea of just dumping an egg into a pot of water and it not just floating all away sounds preposterous to me. But then I watched a show where they said that you should give the water a little swirl around which helps the white hook up with the yolk. And don't forget vinegar in the water, I don't know why, it's just the way it works.
This one got away from me, but it looked cool and magically didn't break, so it's all good in the hood.
Broccoli Risotto
All you need to make a decent risotto is the right rice (something short and round like Arborio), butter, chicken or veggie stock, cheese and time. Add the stock slowly, stir carefully so you don't break up the rice, be liberal with the cheese and pull it off the heat while the rice is still al dante. That's it that's all.
Peach Blackberry Pie
Thea actually made this, hence the artistic rendering of a magestic cock. It was both the best tasting cock and pie I've ever had.
Late Night Desserts (Ice Cream, Ginger Cookies & Peaches, Oh My!)
Om nom nom.
Grilled Tomatoes with Feta and Oregano.....and a Hot Dog.
The hot dog was for protein. Don't judge.
Delicious Burger.
There really isn't anything special that makes this burger delicious other than it has chips in it and it was one of the first late summer barbecues in the backyard.
Marinated Broccoli Salad
- Broccoli, chopped up smallish.
- Red Onion, chop it up chop it up.
- Green Onion, more chop chop chop.
- Cranberries, rough chop. Cranberry you nasty.
- Nuts, I used peanuts because that's what I had in the cupboard but it would have been nicer with walnuts or almonds.
- Creamy poppyseed dressing, like the one from my spinach salad.
The onions made me cry like a menstruating woman watching a kleenex commercial after her boyfriend dumped her and there's no chocolate in the house.
Poached Eggs & Potatoe Latkes
For the latkes I (read: sous chef Kyle) shredded up some potatoes, added an egg, salt and pepper and then friend it up in some melted butter. I read a recipe where it said to add some flour but I forgot and it still worked.
I used to be nervous about poaching eggs, the idea of just dumping an egg into a pot of water and it not just floating all away sounds preposterous to me. But then I watched a show where they said that you should give the water a little swirl around which helps the white hook up with the yolk. And don't forget vinegar in the water, I don't know why, it's just the way it works.
This one got away from me, but it looked cool and magically didn't break, so it's all good in the hood.
Broccoli Risotto
All you need to make a decent risotto is the right rice (something short and round like Arborio), butter, chicken or veggie stock, cheese and time. Add the stock slowly, stir carefully so you don't break up the rice, be liberal with the cheese and pull it off the heat while the rice is still al dante. That's it that's all.
Peach Blackberry Pie
Thea actually made this, hence the artistic rendering of a magestic cock. It was both the best tasting cock and pie I've ever had.
Late Night Desserts (Ice Cream, Ginger Cookies & Peaches, Oh My!)
Om nom nom.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Dove Can Wash my Fat Ass.
Remember Dove's campaign for 'real' beauty? Puhlease. This shit's about to get real real. The problem with the whole love-your-soapy-self deal is that sure, old plus sized broads look good on their own or in a group, but the real self esteem test lies in the direct comparison. You're only as pretty as the really pretty bitch beside you, and you're only better if you're bitchier.
We found this gal on the street, all wrinkled up and thrown out, but then that's to be expected of last years calendar I suppose. She now takes up permanent residence on our bathroom door, angelically watching over the living room and bestowing chainsaw boners on all who cross her path.
I will now recreate this stunning image for you. Boners away Dove. Let's do this.
I don't have the coy half smirk down, mine is more constipated librarian, but I think I get an B+ on the hair considering I didn't have access to a wind machine.
Next down, titties:
The cup eth too big.
And broken, but alas 'tis mine only white
bra and I cannea afford another.
And finally, the piece de photoshop resistance:
I did some quick measurements and proportion wise her legs take up 60% of the length of her body. Mine hover at somewhere near 23%. Top tall bro, top tall. However, if photoshop were to correct my knockknees that might boost me skyward a little. Plus, and I'm not sure if this is possible, but if you could just split that one leg in two right down the middle we might reach approximately the same width as Bambi over there. I'm slightly more moose than deer.
Obviously I left out the most important part, but unfortunately I seem to have misplaced my gigantic chainsaw. The closest thing I had was a puny handsaw and nobody likes a handsaw. Too much chafing. When it comes to babes and power tools you just can't fake it, although the google image search results of those two things suggest you can do anything with a little disinfectant and a camera.
We found this gal on the street, all wrinkled up and thrown out, but then that's to be expected of last years calendar I suppose. She now takes up permanent residence on our bathroom door, angelically watching over the living room and bestowing chainsaw boners on all who cross her path.
I will now recreate this stunning image for you. Boners away Dove. Let's do this.
Firs
t up, face:
t up, face:
I don't have the coy half smirk down, mine is more constipated librarian, but I think I get an B+ on the hair considering I didn't have access to a wind machine.
Next down, titties:
The cup runeth over.
The cup eth too big.
And broken, but alas 'tis mine only white
bra and I cannea afford another.
And finally, the piece de photoshop resistance:
I did some quick measurements and proportion wise her legs take up 60% of the length of her body. Mine hover at somewhere near 23%. Top tall bro, top tall. However, if photoshop were to correct my knockknees that might boost me skyward a little. Plus, and I'm not sure if this is possible, but if you could just split that one leg in two right down the middle we might reach approximately the same width as Bambi over there. I'm slightly more moose than deer.
Obviously I left out the most important part, but unfortunately I seem to have misplaced my gigantic chainsaw. The closest thing I had was a puny handsaw and nobody likes a handsaw. Too much chafing. When it comes to babes and power tools you just can't fake it, although the google image search results of those two things suggest you can do anything with a little disinfectant and a camera.
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