2012 is year of the tiger. Wanna know why? Cause I'm going to scratch it's fucking eyes out. I'm going to call it year of 'le tigre' and use a Mexican accent while I kick it's ass for twelve whole months. Think that's racist? Think again hombre.
In 2012 I'm not taking shit from anyone. If you've got something to say to me, it better be important. And you should probably make an appointment. But you better bring a magazine, cause you better believe I'm going to keep you waiting.
And if your appointment is re: my fingernails then you best keep moving or you might find yourself on the receiving end one of my bloody stumps in your eye. Be glad I don't find your face as appetizing as my fingers and shut your hot-dog hole.
In 2012 I'm not going to cry even once. I'm removing my tear ducts and replacing them with real ducks. Then if I feel sad I'll just punch them and they'll quack and I'll LAUGH.
If I get a single yeast infection this year I'm going to tear out my vagina and put in a mini-mall. End of story. I am the boss of my ladyparts and they will not cross me.
I'm going to stop apologizing for my phone being dead all the time too. Chances are I wouldn't want to talk to you even if it was on, so you can just go suck rocks until the battery is charged.
Right now I got to get back to being the boss of this office though. Probably use the paper cutter a bunch. Yell at the space heater for being shitty at its life. Maybe turn on the lights cause it's getting dark and I'm pretty close to the light switch. Bring it the fuck on 2012.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Brittney's Top 11 Beauty Tips From 2011
Well the year is winding down and so it's time to re-cap my top 11 beauty tips from the past year. I hope the new year finds you prettier than the last.
1. Wear makeup. It helps hide the ugly, or at least provides an interesting distraction.
2. Don't wash your hair. Everyone pretends not to notice it's greasy anyway.
3. Try to be younger. Not look younger, but actually if you can reverse time as it applies to your face you'll be prettier. Unless you rewind too far, amIright teenage years?
4. Sun-
5. screen.
6. Plus bronzer, duh. What are we vampires? Oh wait, those are popular.
7. Stop using facial expressions, they cause wrinkles. Plus everyone will be afraid of you.
8. It's inhumane to use horse-hair makeup brushes. Instead, use the wings of a live monarch butterfly.
9. To prevent clumps on your mascara wand, have your dog lick it first.
10. Use vagasil as a moisturizer on your face to prevent fine lines and wrinkles. Plus, no annoying facial discharge!
11. The eyes are the window to the soul, but your breath is the window to your lunch. Fight bad breath by taking a sip of your favourite perfume after meals.
Yours in Beauty,
B.
1. Wear makeup. It helps hide the ugly, or at least provides an interesting distraction.
2. Don't wash your hair. Everyone pretends not to notice it's greasy anyway.
3. Try to be younger. Not look younger, but actually if you can reverse time as it applies to your face you'll be prettier. Unless you rewind too far, amIright teenage years?
4. Sun-
5. screen.
6. Plus bronzer, duh. What are we vampires? Oh wait, those are popular.
7. Stop using facial expressions, they cause wrinkles. Plus everyone will be afraid of you.
8. It's inhumane to use horse-hair makeup brushes. Instead, use the wings of a live monarch butterfly.
9. To prevent clumps on your mascara wand, have your dog lick it first.
10. Use vagasil as a moisturizer on your face to prevent fine lines and wrinkles. Plus, no annoying facial discharge!
11. The eyes are the window to the soul, but your breath is the window to your lunch. Fight bad breath by taking a sip of your favourite perfume after meals.
Yours in Beauty,
B.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Fun With Epilepsy
Want to hear some epilepsy jokes I thought of while I was drunk last night? Good.
What does a person with epilepsy do after a sports injury?
Shake it off.
What does an epileptic in the 1960s love to do?
The hippy hippy shake.
What does a pregnant women with epilepsy crave?
Milkshakes.
What does a person with epilepsy say to a Holocaust denier?
Bite your tongue.
What does a person with epilepsy do after a sports injury?
Shake it off.
What does an epileptic in the 1960s love to do?
The hippy hippy shake.
What does a pregnant women with epilepsy crave?
Milkshakes.
What does a person with epilepsy say to a Holocaust denier?
Bite your tongue.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I love this country.
I do. But sometimes I want to grab it by its little chicken neck and scream at it until my eyes bleed.
I was in a Homeplus (think: Superstore) parking garage for the first time yesterday. On our way out I noticed my co-teacher's car was parked in a section, very close to the doors, where the concrete pillars were painted pink and had pictures of women in dresses, like on a bathroom door. Laughing, I said "What? Is this section only for girls?" And then I laughed again. "Ha ha!" I laughed, "Ha ha, ha...ha. Oh no."
"Yes, this section is for girls only, for convenience. Men park farther away because they are better drivers."
.... I ... it's just.... I just.... I ... I mean... whaaaaaat?
If that doesn't make you want to burn your bra right there on the spot then I don't know what will. But pretty offensive gender stereotypes aside - one's ability to maneuver a motor vehicle into a parking spot in no way reflects how long of a walk they should have to the door. If anything these terrible women drivers should be parking further away in case their vaginas hit the gas pedal and send them flying into the store.
Untangle your fallopian tubes and give your head a shake ladies.
I was in a Homeplus (think: Superstore) parking garage for the first time yesterday. On our way out I noticed my co-teacher's car was parked in a section, very close to the doors, where the concrete pillars were painted pink and had pictures of women in dresses, like on a bathroom door. Laughing, I said "What? Is this section only for girls?" And then I laughed again. "Ha ha!" I laughed, "Ha ha, ha...ha. Oh no."
"Yes, this section is for girls only, for convenience. Men park farther away because they are better drivers."
.... I ... it's just.... I just.... I ... I mean... whaaaaaat?
If that doesn't make you want to burn your bra right there on the spot then I don't know what will. But pretty offensive gender stereotypes aside - one's ability to maneuver a motor vehicle into a parking spot in no way reflects how long of a walk they should have to the door. If anything these terrible women drivers should be parking further away in case their vaginas hit the gas pedal and send them flying into the store.
Untangle your fallopian tubes and give your head a shake ladies.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Holiday Cards
Tis the season for children's holiday cards and this year I've got some really winners. Allow me to transpose in case you can't read their writing on the cards:
(For reference these are grade 6 boys who sit next to each other, but they've copied the style of a penpal letter in their textbook so it sounds a bit strange.)
Dear Mr. Oh Kyun,
Hi, my name is Gangmin Lee. When I first saw you, I thought you were just an ordinary person with weird hair. But when the time passed, I realized that you were creatively cruel. When I say creatively cruel, I mean you know many ways to kill.
I hope we could meet sometime.
Your friend,
Gangmin Lee
Now in case you're wondering what warranted Gangmin's high praise, here is Oh Kyun's letter to him:
Dear gang min,
Hi. My name is Oh kyun Kweon. I live in Daegu. I'm thirteen years old. I have a knife (I kill you). I like playing computer games. Want to know about you. Please back to me.
goodbye.
Alas, Oh Kyun shared only one of the many ways he knows how to kill, but I do believe Gangmin that there are more.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
How to go to the bathroom: an idiot's guide
Step 1: Enter bathroom, take toilet paper. Do not forget toilet paper. If you forget toilet paper, go back, take toilet paper.
Step 2: Enter stall, tuck toilet paper in scarf to free up your hands. Roll up your pants to the knees to prevent dragging cuffs on the piss soaked floor / pissing on yourself when you soak the floor with your piss.
Step 3: Take the safety pin out of your ghetto casual pants. Stab the pin into your coat for safekeeping. Do not lose the pin. Do not lose the pin.
Step 4: Freeze your ass off for 30 seconds.
Step 5: Accidentally throw the toilet paper down the hole. Don't even feel bad about it.
Step 6: Pants up, pin in, cuffs down, flush with your foot. Everyone flushes with their foot, right?
Step 7: Icewater, cuss, soap, icewater, cuss, dry hands on the pants you were painstakingly keeping dry. Sit on your numb hands for 10-15 minutes until the feeling resumes.
Repeat 3-7 times daily as per your hydration needs.
Step 2: Enter stall, tuck toilet paper in scarf to free up your hands. Roll up your pants to the knees to prevent dragging cuffs on the piss soaked floor / pissing on yourself when you soak the floor with your piss.
Step 3: Take the safety pin out of your ghetto casual pants. Stab the pin into your coat for safekeeping. Do not lose the pin. Do not lose the pin.
Step 4: Freeze your ass off for 30 seconds.
Step 5: Accidentally throw the toilet paper down the hole. Don't even feel bad about it.
Step 6: Pants up, pin in, cuffs down, flush with your foot. Everyone flushes with their foot, right?
Step 7: Icewater, cuss, soap, icewater, cuss, dry hands on the pants you were painstakingly keeping dry. Sit on your numb hands for 10-15 minutes until the feeling resumes.
Repeat 3-7 times daily as per your hydration needs.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
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