Cinequanon

CINEQUANON has another backyard screening! Hipsters come from blocks around to drink PBR, judge each others costumes and watch artsy and/or ironic films. No, not movies, films. AS SEEN IN NIGHTLIFE MAGAZINE. JOIN THE FACEBOOK GROUP NOW.

Casual Hipster.

Ambiance free of charge.

Give us your money in exchange for things.
Popcorn free of charge.

Classiness free of charge.

Plus this thing! My neighbour put this in our yard, hidden behind some shrubbery. I think we will be good friends.

NEXT SCREENING THURSDAY, 'THE THING', ITZ SCAREEE BUT PLZ CUM KAY THX!

You might be me.

You might be me if you've ever smelt mini doughnuts and been paralyzed because you couldn't tell where they were coming from.

You might be me if megavideo kicks you off of their site on a regular basis because you've exceeded their 72 minute cap.

You might be me if the humidity makes sweat collect on your upper lip/moustache area.


You might be me if you go look in the fridge for any reason other than you're hungry.


You might be me if you pull your eyebrows out when you're anxious. Or you might be crazy. And if you're crazy you're probably Tyra, because that's how logic works.


At least I'm not Tyra.

Listen Up!

ATTENTION HYDRO QUEBEC, BANK OF MONTREAL MASTERCARD AND ALL OTHER "SERVICE" PROVIDERS:

Stop calling me. You keep bugging me like I owe you something. Doesn't my file say by now that I screen my calls? Pestering me won't make the money appear any faster. I repeat: do not call me unless you are offering me a fucking job, in which case I would be more than happy to donate a portion of my salary to this collection agency you keep threatening me with. If you're truly serious about this whole money thing I suggest asking the government, I hear they're giving it away these days. While you're there ask them if they want to hire me too.

Also, to my dear landlord: Stop coming by unannounced, stop telling me to do the dishes in my own home, stop telling me that I need to "train" the boys to do the dishes, stop cashing my cheques three weeks after you get them, stop being fat and quebecois, and get your dentist to put more teeth in the front of your mouth, okay? Just because you can gum fois gras doesn't mean you should.

This is an old photo, as you can tell by his youthful, teeth filled smile.

The Sound of Mooooosic

Things Montreal does well: drinking, dancing, general merriment, being all old world and european and generally incredibly lovely.

Things Montreal does NOT do well: mastering the art of the INTERNET like every other gad damn major city in the world and keeping the humidity below the CRAZY POINT. Oh wait, I blinked and now it's a torrential DOWNPOUR. Only 3 more months until it's FREEZING!

What I mean to say is that my only recently fixed wireless internet gave out after three short days and so I have been sweaty and not on the internet, as opposed to my preferred state of sweaty and on the internet.

In other news, we recently watched the Sound of Music for the first time in over a decade. For you, dear readers, I give you some of our conversations during this wonderful film:

Me: Oh, Julianne Moore!
Thea: wtf?
Me: I mean, how about the Panic Room?
Thea: wtf? Do you mean Jodie Foster?
Me: ...Princess Diaries?

Me: Check out that Nazi's butt.
Thea: Why doesn't my boyfriend dance with me? At least he's not a nazi.
Me: He is unusually blonde. Fucking arians.

Me: So Fi Do La Me Do Reeeeeeeee!
Thea: You don't know it, do you?
Me: No, but I sing anyway.

Basically the same, n'est pas?

Blogging About Cats isn't Sad

I will grant that some cat blogs are sad. Some are sad, pathetic. Others are sad, awful. If I may comment on the latter, here are the top 9 best things about kittybeef.com:

1) free range kitties only
2)may contain dog meat (not specified free range),
2) may be illegal in your area
3) unable to sell to individuals with criminal records
4) low fat yet tender
5) medicinal qualities (cures Korean headaches)
6) affiliate company puppybeef.com
7) considered a good 'warming food' in Vietnam
8) kitty kebabs, kitty steak, kitty jerky, and kitty stock for all your kitty soups
9) this photo.

I'll be honest, that was all funny until I saw a cooked puppy head. UNCOOL MOST OF ASIA, SWITZERLAND AND 3 LOCATIONS IN THE U.S.!

Also, for Carmen, Hello Kitty is cute in waffle form but less so when it's dried beef:


On to sad, pathetic which are generally defined by the following:

-written in the first person, from the cat's point of view. FACT: cats are bad writers, likely do to lack of opposable thumbs and little to no kitty creative writing classes.

He's watching 2 Kitties 1 Cup.

- On that note, don't describe your cat blog as 'newsy.' There is nothing 'newsy' about you, your cat, your blog, or your pathetic life. A day that is mainly composed of napping, licking, and purring is not newsy and as a recently unemployed person I should know.

-the 'author' often refers to their owners as 'the humans' or 'mum and dad', and often comments on how much they miss him or her. For example "Princess Whiskerbutt sure missed her mum today while she was out getting her third round of fertility treatments."

- Changing words so they sound catlike, as in purrson, purrfect, mewsings or furriend. Also, 'making biscuits' is not a cute way to say cat poo. It's poo.

- International Box Day. Let me explain, apparently June 19th is some sort of kitty holiday (isn't every day, i mean really) where kitties of all shapes and sizes, breeds and creeds are placed by their owners into empty cardboard boxes where they are photographed, and put on the internet. This is so collosally fucked up that when I starting digging through interwebs to find an actual goddamn reason for this shitfest it ended with me drinking a glass of rum. The best I can gather is that cats like cardboard? I don't really understand this becuase all my cat likes to do is fuck and fight, but to each their weird, weird own.

I will grant that this is cute, but perhaps we can all agree not worthy of a holiday.

All of that being said THIS blog is neither type of sad because MY cat is AWESOME.

The proof is in the feline pudding, which I will dish out at a later date because Pedro is currently whining and bleeding from the head while licking his gigantic, magnificent, furry balls.

Because Montreal Just wasn't Gay Enough

Montreal just wasn't gay enough for these two so we had to go all the way to Ottawa for them to be together.
The background, for what it's worth, is a Top Gun reenactment. But it's so much, much more. By that I mean more gay, which is saying something.

Also, I feel like I'm missing something because there are no cutoffs in that scene at all whatsoever. Far be it for me to raise questions when it comes to visible upper thigh though.

Ball bulge. Next time you see Kyle be sure to ask him what kind of underwear are required for such short shorts.

So you might be thinking yeah Brittney, these boys do look pretty gay in their matching short shorts and crop tops. To that I say, you are offensive and rude. This was a mere display of hetero male bonding...until we went to a gay nightclub.

*Not pictured: the fellow who went for the under-the-butt-nut-graze on both of them.

The other key difference between this and the movie is that in Top Gun Maverick and Gooose have hot girlfriends, while the rest of this evening appears to be Eric attempting to keep Kyle all to himself.

Success!

Also, and not that I'm bitter or anything, but I'm finally able to squeeze into a pair of jeans that haven't fit in over a year and nobody so much as looks at my ass. COME ON.

PS. I'm basically famous:

http://www.nightlifemagazine.ca/photo/view/12234
http://www.montrealmirror.com/2009/061809/theatre.html
http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=98599922125&h=eiwZF&u=2-ktz&ref=mftheatre.html

The plan for world domination unfurls at a rapid rate!!

Today.

Today I was digging through the bargain bin for pants and I started to feel really good about myself becuase the size I normally wear looked too big for me. As it turned out they were men's pants. On the bright side, I am small for a man.

Today a homeless man with 'K-9' tottooed on his forehead told me to remember to pray. I told him to remember not to get K-9 tatooed on his face.

I hope this is his favorite movie.

I suppose it's better than a tattoo of Jim Belushi on your forehead.

But only becuase of this.

Fat man and a hot wife? What will they think of next?

This came out after According to Jim. Belushi, are you in some kind of trouble? Do you need money? I will give you ten dollars if you quit doing shitty sitcoms and straight to video movies.

Crazy Cake

Lisa Guis (pronounced Gweese) makes her triumphant return to Montreal for her 32nd birthday and Chez Cool & Co. bakes a cake! What a new and interesting tradition!

We were going for height on this one, with alternating layers of chocolate and vanilla. The 'Dr. Suessesque' feeling of the cake (which was completely intentional) ended up requiring non-edible structural support by way of chopstick.

If Picasso had had a piping bag, his name would have been Carmen.


Tilting tower of tastiness.

Our beauty is surpassed only by our cakes.


Light your own damn candles, berfday bitch!

She huffed and she puffed and she blew the cake down. I ain't saying she a wolf, but she ain't hangin with no broke piggies.

...that was a stretch. I'm sorry Kanye.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA!

Brittney's Book Club

Hey literate friends! Wanna join a book club? Fuck Oprah, join mine instead! I guarantee that 100% of my book club picks have never been read by Oprah Winfrey! If that dirty bird has read any of them, I'll give you 100% of $0 back!


My inaugural book club book combines two of my favorite things; debilitating sadness and potential use of the dark arts. Breakup Reversed by Robert Parsons is your guide to tricking, magicking or physically harming your ex into getting back together with you. But don't trust me, let's look at the facts*:

Parsons says that 94.7% of relationships can be saved using the techniques in this book. "Almost every break up, whether it be for infidelity, lost passion, endless lies, lack of appreciation, money problems, meddling in-laws or even serving a prison sentence. Just look at all the convicted felons and murderers that get back with their lovers and wives after being incarcerated for years." I also really enjoy how that first sentence is incomplete. The lack of editing really keeps it fresh.

*no facts were used in the making of this book or blog.

Think you might be heartbroken? Breakup Reversed has an easy to use checklist:

• Unable to listen to music as each one makes you cry
• Dialing your ex when you are drunk
• Keeping track of your ex on Facebook or other tools
• Binge eating for comfort
• Texting or emailing him or her constantly
• Constantly checking to see if there is a text or a missed call
• Uncontrollable urges to spy on your ex
• Thinking non-stop about why the two of you broke up and what you should have said
• Feeling depressed and like you can’t go on
• Preferring to stay at home and mourn rather than go out and meet new people
• Endless rehearsing what to say if you bump into him or her

I think Parsons provides a fresh new approach to breaking up. He doesn't view brokenheartsville as a one way street, but more of an optional u-turn freeway. He's just not that into you? Fuck that. You will tell him who he is or isn't into. You will be the decider of his emotions. You will pull the strings on his pathetic puppet heart! Dance heart! Dance!

But be warned, Breakup Reversed is not to be taken lightly. His "unconventional methods" combine the time proven methods of roofies, hypnosis, gratuatis sex acts, and "accidental" head injuries. "These Bonding Secrets are so powerful they explain why hostages sometimes bond with their kidnappers. Virtually undetectable, these techniques work on 99.9% of people to create instant, strong bonds." He even claims to know the ONE THING men want more than food, sports or sex. Hint: it involves all three at once, plus your hot sister. While so called "therapists" don't recommend these methods, Parsons says they are a sure fire way to get couples "sitting back on their couch watching their favorite TV shows." And with an extra roofie he won't even argue with you for control of the remote.

Are you a recently dumped girl on the go? Be sure to pick up the Breakup Reversed Quick Reference Guide.

Heart too heavy to read the whole book? Try the Instant Heartache Relief guide. Now with 10% more pajamas and ice cream.
Best of all, right now it's on sale for 60% off! Order now and pay only $39 marked down from $99!

...can someone loan me forty bucks?

Presentation is Everything

Dinner is much like a first date: presentation is everything. A well plated meal is the culinary equivalent of spanx's; it doesn't matter what it tastes like if it looks pretty. Excuse me dear, your muffin top is stale. Oh yeah? Well your bavarian sausage has warts. Good luck hiding that with spandex.

Modesty aside, aren't I a genius? Doesn't this look amazing? Can you even believe how gorgeous this looks??

I heard once, and google has confirmed, that ginger beef was created in Alberta. The caveat is that it's not traditional Chinese food and the combination of deep fried and sweet reeks of America. However, I do not judge other cultures when they alter their traditions to suit my north american tastebuds. Plus Jarsica Thomson likes it and she's cute and has a proper job so you know you can trust her.

Much like my pre-spanxs body it did not start out looking pretty. First you must bread the meat. Dip in egg first, then flour; I suggest designating one hand for each task so as not to create an odd papier mache creation between your fingers.


Next, fry it in too much oil until it's browned. Let it set a minute on paper towel to absorb the excess oil or, if you don't have any paper towel on hand, fuck it (not literally, we are dealing with boiling oil here).

This obviously looks like bleeding worms. With powdered sugar. In a greasy bath. I considered a penis joke here, but then decided less people would try this recipe if I did. I leave it to your imagination.

After they're fried, transfer them to the other pan where you're already prepared the sauce. I forgot to tell you to do that beforehand, but I assume you're not making this in real time. So if the bleeding worms haven't turned you off, saute onions, garlic, grated ginger and julienned carrots, then add enough soy sauce, vinegar and sugar until it tastes right. I realize this is difficult if you're not from 'Berta and have never tasted this authentically non-traditional dish, but just mix them until it tastes good.

Stir fry the baby boc choy in a little olive oil. As it turns out I don't actually like boc choy very much so I added a little soy sauce, and I think you could do the same with garlic or ginger.

If it doesn't look like this in the end, you are a horrible failure.

So nice I did it twice. Mostly just to prove that I could. Both those plates are for me.

That dish is so pretty it's out of my league. It's so pretty I would ask for its number but then never have the guts to call it. It's so pretty that I wouldn't be seen in public with it becuase it's bad for my self esteem. It's so pretty that I would give it extra oral sex so it wouldn't dump me.

Graduashmuation!

In the hubbub I forgot to post the photo shoot we did from when I got my gown a day early and decided to get my money's worth out of it.

Graduate does the dishes.
Graduate sweeps.
Graduate takes out the trash (mostly old schoolwork she'll never look at again).
Graduate plunges toilet, a time honoured tradition.
Graduate cooks empty pan, indicative of her budget.
Alumni. Alumnus? I don't know, I only have a B.A.
Graduate can identify a map.
T-rex graduate.
Graduate makes sweet sweet music.
Graduate prays for a brighter future.