Am I a terrible person?

Yes.

Oh shut up, is your name McJudgerson comma Judgey? I'm telling you, everyone eats expried deli meat straight from the package in the flickering blue glow of the television while wearing extra large sweatpants with a hole in the crotch.

I'm a vegan, among other things...

Okay, so stale tofu-eese or you know..rancid veganaise straight from the jar with a dirty spoon!

Ri-ight.

Okay so you're on the couch, scratching a bit of dry, crusty black bean sauce off the couch with your fingernail. The million dollar question: what show is on tv?

I don't watch tv, I read.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Lot's of people read you know, you should really-

Save it, your douch membership isn't valid here. If you were even 17% human you'd know that the only possible thing on your television is a documentary-

-Oh I love documentaries!

-about messed up people. I'm talking fat people, super fat people, super mobidly fat people, dude with fucking tree bark for skin, dude's whose arm's exploded from all the roids, elephantitus anything, and primordial dwarves. Oh I love me some primordial dwarves.

...you're a terrible person.

You're a terrible person! You're terrible at being a person beucase all people love other people who happen to be teeny tiny people. Have you heard them speak? It's like if a chipmunk could talk, but looked like a doll. If 'cute' were an audible sound, that would be it. That or a hampster giggling.

Hampster's don't giggle.

Save it for the fact checkers honey. I love it when they talk about regular shit too, like how they love karate. Karate! They're just like us, only tiny and with more health problems.

I...wha...

I love it when opposites meet too, like the world's tallest man meets the world's smallest man and they shake hands and you totally think the giant is going to crush the midget.

You can't say midget!

Yes you can, it just depends on the context. Like, I wouldn't say 'midget porn', I'd say 'little people erotica', or else the p.c-ers would be all up in my business. You know once I wantched 1000 Pound Man, 600 Pound Mom and 800 Pound Virgin all in one day. It was awesome. They just make me feel better about myself, you know?

Not only are you a terrible person, but you are quite possibly the worst person.

As a wise person on the Maury Povich Show once said, "You don't know me." Now if you'll excuse me, Born Without a Face is on again.

Sigh...