Tuesday, May 25, 2010

An Island in Japan

This is a condensed version of several conversations regarding a vacation. There were actually three people and everything is paraphrased, which is a nice way of saying I made it up to sound better, but the gist is the same. Doesn't 'gist' sound like a combination of jizz and mist? Like his penis-hole sprinkler is stuck on the wrong setting. For example, 'Ugh, that dude gisted all over my glasses! Now they're all smudgy!' Off topic. Back to making things up about my vacation:

Person A: Hey, this picture looks nice, let's go there.

Person B: Hey, yeah, cool, let's do it.

Exit stage right, towards Japan.

*Off topic again: this makes sense but only in my mind because when we covered directions in grade two north just happened to be the direction I was facing at that small point in time. My eight year old brain, however, thought this meant north was always in front of me no matter what, like even if I turned or spun in a circle. Therefore, east was always on my right. Not that I knew right and left then, clearly I wasn't a scholar. My mom told me to think about which hand I ate soup with, which is a strange way to describe it, plus if I picked up my spoon with my other hand did it become my right hand? Looking back I might say I was exploring the relativity of my small world, but at the time I think they thought I was an ass, or slow, or both. Back on topic:

Arrive in Japan.

Person A: Oh hey, do you remember the name of that place we're trying to get to?

Person B: Oh, hey...no. It's cool though, we have a map right?

A: Yeah, totally!

B: Is it in English?

A: Ahh, no.

B: Do you speak Japanese?

A: Domo arigato, Senor Roboto.

*Off topic, again. I just think that this song sets a dangerous precedant. I mean at first it's like, sure we should be nice to the robots. You know, be polite, thank them in their native tongue, yadda yadda yadda, but next thing you know they're going to be all 'We don't want to ride in the cargo part of the plane, we demand seats up top!' and we'll be like 'Greyhound!' and they'll say 'First class!' and we'll settle on coach with an in-flight movie. I guess what I'm really angry about is the ATMs that charge extra for after-hours service. ROBOTS DON'T HAVE AFTER-HOURS! THEY'RE ROBOTS! There are children in Coochybekistan that pose as tables for three cents a day because it's cheaper than buying a real table. DON'T GIVE ROBOTS RIGHTS! Okay, deep breath, back on topic:

B: Okay, okay, I know, let's have a quick game of charades with some locals and hop on a bus.

A: Yeah, cool.

Arrive at destination.

B: Hey, we made it!

A: Uh, of course. What could possibly have gone wrong? Now let's make these locals do charades again until they give us a place to sleep.

B: Cool!

And that, friends, is basically how we made it to Japan.

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