Monday, September 14, 2009


Due to the relentless monotony of my life I have decided to compile a list of goals so as to prevent an unfortunate boredom related head-in-oven incident. Of course I am by nature very lazy so I must be careful not to set the bar too high. Unless it's a limbo bar, in which case quite the opposite. Luckily limbo is not on my list of goals. This is what I've come up with instead:

- Win a game of two suit spider solitaire (actually I did this last week, but I wanted something
to check off right away, you understand.

- Learn the military alphabet thing. I don't know what it's called, but you know the one that goes alpha, bravo, cunt, dick, ejaculate, foxtrot, ect... I think this is an interesting thing to know, infinitely helpful if my application for Idiots Week on Jeopardy goes through, or when spelling things out to deaf veterans on the phone. Also, if I ever get drafted for war, well I'm sure I'll die immediately, but I'll be delta echo alpha delta.

- Knitting. I think this will be great to occupy the large amounts of dead space throughout my day and perhaps if my fingers are tangled up in yards of yarn I won't be able to gnaw my fingernails into ragged stubs. Expect gifts of lopsided dishrags sometime in the next 3-5 years. Also, Lowercase C-baby, expect frustrated messages about the difficulties of casting on and jacking off, knit one, pearl necklace, ect.

- Watch two full seasons of Californication in the next week. Actually this isn't so much a goal as an inevitable, but it's less sad if it sounds intentional.

- Shower at least 3 times this week. Ok, I'll stop now.

General life goal though, less vegetables-as-penis photos while wearing dad's old Headpins shirt and displaying hole in crotch of jeans. I will try harder. I will try harder. (The butternut squash makes a pretty good chode though, you must agree.)

Sidebar: I just spoke to a man who had a voice that sounded like chocolate dipped in sex if it had been smoking unfiltered cigarettes for ten years. Ooh baby I love the way you say erectile dysfunction.

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