Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Tales From the Workplace

Hello. My name is Brittney, and I sell male enhancement products.

It has surprised me lately how many times people have commented on how this is the 'perfect' job for me. I did not realize my obvious talents in this field, but given my knack for saying penis with a moderately straight face and manipulating my fingers to answer a phone, it must be true.

"Order desk, how may I help you?"

"The Platinum package comes with three tubes of the MangumFX, now that's a cream that you massage directly onto the penis for 3-5 minutes to provide an erection as well as increased length and girth, plus you get two free bottles of the Seminizer 500, that's s capsule, and what that does is boost your ejaculation."

"Ejaculation? That means orgasm sir. It boosts your semen flow."

"Who massages the cream? You do, sir."

"You apply it directly to the penis sir, but yes, if you like you could put it in a spoon first."

"No not inside the penis sir." (How do you massage the inside of your penis?)

"No sir I'm not married. No I can't answer any personal questions." (But my boyfriend's dick is AWESOME thanksforasking.)

"Yes, sure, I suppose that would be good for the affair you're having."

"So that's the three bottles of ViaSteel plus the two tubes of Volcano Gel, your total is 205.99...no I'm sorry we don't have a senior's discount sir."

"Oh wow, 84 years old? Congratulations sir. World War One you say? I'll have you know I took history and have a calculator handy so I'll thank you not to lie sir."

Oh but wait, I also sell weight loss products:

"Customer service, how may I help you?

"Yes ma'am it is recommended that you excercise while taking the Blast and Drain capsules....I know it doesn't say that on the brochure...it's just a recommendation."

"So how the Cellu-Light works is...hold on...ok, so, umm, you just place the adhesive patches directly onto the cellulite area and the ingredients will be absorbed directly into the skin to melt away the fat. No you can't shower with them. I know, it's unfortunate, but so is being fat."

And finally, I sell several "books":

"How does it work ma'am? Well it's a book. So you read it. Yes, that's right, you read it."

"No ma'am the Psycho Power book will not make you win the lottery. I know it does say it will teach you to harness the power of positive thinking, but unfortunately we cannot gaurantee that you will win the lottery."

One of the most annoying things about the 7000 calls I answer each day is that about 1/4 of them don't know the name of the product they'd like to buy. No idea. Can't find it printed on any of the forms that came in the mail. I have seen the mailings, the names are very clearly printed in obnoxious fonts and obscene colors. Nevermind the obvious question of why you would buy a product you don't know the name of.

The other thing that gets me is when the men try to flirt with you. You just admitted to major erectile dysfunction, you just told me that you had an operation on your prostate that causes you to pass your semen inside your body, I can hear your wife talking in the background, please don't tell me how pretty you think the girls up in Cane-ada are."

The last thing that gets me is when people from tiny towns near my tiny town call in to place their orders. When I see that familiar area code come up my skin gets the shivers and I picture the smiley man who works check-out at IGA. Lord have mercy.

But the pay is good, the people are nice, and I really feel like this is my time to finally learn how to play minesweeper. Or at least two suit spider solitaire. Repeat after me: David Sedaris was an elf in a mall. David Sedaris was an elf in a mall. David Sedaris was an elf in a mall...


prelaw said...

how did you get this job? can i drop out of law school?

lowercasecarmen said...


Can we maybe have a phone date soon?