Sunday, May 1, 2011

Cause We Classy

This morning my mom called to read me a newspaper article, as she often does. My mother is the leading source of shit I don't want to hear. Today's story was about a semi truck accident in the next town over (colloquially known as Fox Vegas). The driver was swerving all over, smashed into the median, police saw he was impaired, searched the rig, found 9 grams of ketamine.

"How much is 9 grams?" mom wants to know, "Like, how many pounds is that?"

The article describes ketamine for those out of the loop: "once used as a horse tranquilizer, (ketamine) is known to inspire hallucinogenic visions and it can produce a dissociative effect, where users feel separated from their body and environment." Oh thanks, Edmonton Sun, as if Oprah didn't give her enough to worry about, now mom can add another drug to the List of Things That Will Probably Kill My Brothers.

The driver was charged with driving while impaired, dangerous driving and possession of shit you shouldn't have, but was released until his court date on May 30. Who is this wonderful contribution to society? Well it's my cousin of course (name withheld to protect the not innocent).

You might think I just did a google image search for "sketchy, white trash," but that's his actual profile picture right now. He has two kids that my wealthy uncle mostly supports. One of my favourite stories about this kid is that he crashed his truck one day and so my uncle bought him a new one, almost immediately. Then, within the next week this kid took his new truck down to the river and tried to load a boat onto his trailer. Oh, and the boat wasn't his. So as he's trying to steal someone's boat he backs his pickup too far into the river and the current sweeps his truck away. Two trucks and a boat that wasn't his in the span of one week. At the time I was in school, trying to see if I could live off a bag of carrots and a loaf of bread for a month and my eye went a little twitchy.

Someone like this might be a liability if you have a politician in the family, as we do, but not in northern Alberta. My other uncle is the MLA of our area, a very conservative, oil rich area, who on his website likes to post 'Alberta: Tell It Like It Is' facts. Facts like, "Only a fraction of 1% of Alberta's boreal forests have been disturbed by oil sands mining."
Umm, yeah, sure.

Anyway, apparently my father's take on my cousin's little accident is that he 'fell asleep at the wheel,' because the D in Drysdale stands for denial, denial, denial.

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