Food Finally Finally Food

I realized I haven't done a food post on this partial food blog in a long time. Prepare to be rectified dear blog.

Grilled Salmon and Asparagus with a Dill Cream Sauce

I really wanted salmon that day, irregardless of the fact that it's not the freshest or cheapest thing here. I almost choked on a bone and I reduced the cream sauce too much, but all in all pretty good.

Grilled Portabello and Goat Cheese burger with Onion Rings

I have to say I was a little disappointed with the onion rings. They were greasy in a way that A&W onion rings are not, and that is the standard by which all onion rings must be judged. I'm not sure if I should have used a different oil (I used canola) or if I needed to blot them more with paper towel. In any case, they were good when they were warm but as they cooled I could have just munched an onion and sprayed Pam directly into my mouth for the same effect.


Breakfast at Timothy's
It's Saturday morning and what is young Timothy cooking for breaky?

Why it's pan fried salt and vinegar chips! Served in a sandwich with mayonnaise and chased down with a redbull.

And then he ate the rest with a spoon and a healthy dollop of mayonnaise.
Breakfast of metabolic champions.

So the other day I burnt my arm on the oven and instead of icing it or running it under cold water I just left to see how bad it would get. I realize now that this is a) fucked up, b) masochistic, and c) now looks like I'm a cutter, or like the crack rock I was melting spilled out of the spoon onto my arm. I think. Is that possible? (We had to google "smoke crack, how to" and I'm still unsure.)


As with most things, I went too far and got a bit sad when I found someone on a forum who said, "i like how it turns red, it glows and you can watch the crack melt, it looks pretty!" As pretty as your future darling. As pretty as your face before your pimp taught you a lesson. As pretty as the sun setting on your emaciated body as your cat claws at your face looking for food.

Today was a macaroni and cheese, cookies and chocolate day. I might not eat my emotions if they didn't taste so good.

BREAKING NEWS!

AMERICAN APPAREL FOUNDER GOES TO REHAB FOR SEX ADDICTION, CREATES AA BURKA.

American Apparel founder/creator/owner/operator/CEO of coke operations, Dov Charney (more commonly known as Hipster Jesus), was admitted to rehab earlier this year for sex addiction after numerous sexual harassment lawsuits and far more cotton swabs up the urethra than any one man should have.


Low level American Apparel employee Zsofia (pictured below, working in the stockroom) was quoted as saying, "I mean, I don't mind that he keeps his change purse inside my snatch, it's made of lame so it's cool. Plus he says he likes to hear the money jingle when we have anal over a pile of deep v's. And the factory workers get paid well too!"

Charney was admitted into rehab after a brief visit to the an L.A. county emergency room to treat third degree friction burns on his cock. Inside sources say that the on-call doctors experienced some difficulty applying the burn salve to his dick wounds because Charney continued to become aroused during the procedure. The engorgment of his penis stretched the open flesh, causing him a great deal of pain, which reportedly led to further arousal.

After being released from the program, where he allegedly seduced several staff members as well as a nun who led the chaplaincy services for the residents, Charney appears to have taken the centre's message to heart as evidenced by his latest collection of American Apparel burkas. The traditional garments once worn exclusively by middle eastern women are available in a wide range of colours such as kelly green, lapis, and all manner of neon, as well as fabrics such as sheery jersey, flex fleece and, of course, lame. The burkas are being marketed towards hipster girls who don't want to be harrassed with the slogan, "If I can't see it, I won't fuck it."



The collection also includes a selection of anti-rape devices, made with the best barbed teeth that well paid immigrant workers can provide (available in a wide range of colours and glow in the dark!)


Urban Outfitters is also said to be coming out with a novelty version of the anti rape device, pictured below:


Self Proclaimed Animal Collective fan Ozias Tarquin (below) says of the novelty item, "It's so ironic. You know, because you wouldn't expect fish teeth in a vagina. So ironic."


The AA burka retails for $279.99.

Editor's Note: Since the article went to publication Mr. Charney has relapsed, as evidenced by his latest line of tights:

Oh Dov.

Happy 2 Days After the 4th!

We watched Independence Day on Independence Day! Oh neat! How original! Did you guys think of that yourselves? Yesh.

20th Century Fox-Puppy.

So in an effort to make myself some more cash monies I've signed up for some medical studies. An obvious choice for someone who has EXTREME doctor/hospital anxiety issues. Anyway one of the surveys I had to fill out asked me two full pages of questions like, 'did anyone in your family ever hit you hard enough to leave a mark?' (rarely, because my parents knew how to beat a child properly), 'were you ever punished with hard objects?' (hard like my daddy's fist?), 'did people in your family ever call you stupid or ugly?' (only 'cause it's my name). My answers sound like I should have been in foster care. I'm temped to add a clause that I'm from Alberta, sooo it doesn't really count, ya know? Plus I done deserved my comeuppance on account of my smart mouth. If I'dta done learned quicker I wouldnta done got hit so much.

Also, I just got rejected for a menstrual study. FAT LOT OF GOOD THESE STUPID OVARIES DO ME! Can't even get me into medical studies. I don't know why I keep them around with all the trouble they cause me. My uterus is feeling particularly rejected right now, this is really not very good for my reproductive self esteem.

When I told my mother I was doing the studies and she informed me that all medical testing involves radiation which is carcinogenic. When I tried to explain to her that mri's actually use magnets, not radiation, she said, well why do you think the technician leaves the room when they turn the machine on?? huh??? Radiation. She also let me know that I shouldn't keep a radio too close to my bed on account of the radiation. I think she gets the words radio and radiation mixed up. So then I told her I was doing a study where I get an x-ray taken while sticking my head inside a microwave and I am just not sure she knew I was kidding. Anyway she said she'd give me more money if I didn't do the studies so obviously I'm going to take the money and do the studies there by killing two birds with one radiation rock. Radiation rocks!

Remember Film?

I am so tired I could shit twice and die.


Do people say that in non-rural-alberta places? One time I really horrified someone with the phrase 'tear him a new asshole.' In my defense it sounds less vulgar when my mom says it.

(this is my 'have to pee at church' dance)

On another poop related note, we have a two week holiday from school at the end of the month and someone in my class was talking about what a long time that is and I thought, I've been constipated for longer than that.

(i am squeeshing your church)

Someone once told me about a friend who was getting married after dating their (less than) significant other for six months and I thought, I've had cheese whiz for longer than that. And my processed cheese and I will probably be together for longer too. Even if it's because it's glued to the inside of my bowels.


You'd think he was pretty or something with all the damned photos I have of this guy.


Gag me with a spoon. Take a dump on my chest. Get fucked.

I'm going to bed by 10.

And so we called it Kan-a-ta.

Misunderstanding languages. A part of our heritage since before your grandpappy raped that nice Aboriginal lady. Metis status, awesome!

I was going to write something about the stupidity of Quebec's moving day and how it has surpassed International Box day as the world's most retarded holiday (why would you set a day for everyone to move instead of people moving when it suits them, thus causing mass chaos, huge quantities of garbage and lack of moving vans. Also, the government changed moving day to July 1 in 1973 because they thought it would be easier for students to move in the summer. You know, directly smack dab in the middle of the four month summer break in stead of hte beginning or end of the school year. Thanks gouvernement! ), but I just started french school and I'm so tired I could just cry. It doesn't help that class was so boring I wanted to punch myself in the face just so I'd have something to do.

So instead, a photo diary of my Canada day bbq. The photos are, however, mostly of me because no one came to my party save for two cats from the Red Herring and the people who are always here anyway. Shout out to the Red Herring kids for raising my self esteem up to -12.

A single example of the fucktarded amount of shit on the streets.

Isn't she looooooovely? Isn't she won-der-ful?
(ps. I saw Stevie Wonder, more on that later)
Homemade corn dogs, fuck yeah!
Who's a dirty bird?
Cup the balls.
All wiener. No bun.