Surprise of the Century

Ricky Martin is Gay!

Ricky Martin has announced today that he is gay, approximately nine years after people stopped giving a shit. The pop singer says he no longer fears damaging his career with this admission becuase he no longer has one. Commentators suggest that Martin has just come out of "the most fabulous closet since Elton John." There is further speculation that said closet had to be structurally reinforced to resist the heat from the flaming gay boy stashed inside.

The news came as a surprise to several women who have been living under a rock for the last decade. One woman who recieved the news on her car radio went into shock, causing a comedic twelve car pileup on the only road in town. She is currently being treated in hospital and doctors say it is vital that she "gets a clue" before she is released.

Devoted female fans can still hear She Bangs sung by the straight and very available William Hung.

Happy Birthday Muffin!

Despite fart jokes to the contrary my handsome male friend turned one year older this weekend. Even though he's already 25 here in Korea we decided to celebrate his 24th anyway, for old time's sake. Back in the old country I would have baked a cake, I always do, it's usually good. Here in the new country, however, there are no ovens. Things here are efficient; you don't bake cakes, you buy them. You don't putz around on your jet pack, you travel quickly, in straight lines, to and from work. I won't let Asian ingenuity stand in my way though, where there's a cake will there's a cake way, but it was no cake walk.

First problem: I can't read English anymore.


Okay, birthday muffin it is, moving on.

I read some things about how to improve a box cake mix and although I don't think they helped, I'll share them with you anyway.

1. Don't use oil. Melt your butter (or at least margarine) to the appropriate amount. In my case this was eyeballed becuase I still don't have measuring devices.

2. Seperate your eggs, beat the whites stiff (they had it coming) and reserve to be folded in gently at the end.

3. To improve the flavour add the juice and zest of a lemon or a teaspoon of vanilla if you're lucky enough to live in a country that values such things. I'm not. Please send me some.

4. After pouring the batter into the pan pick it up several inches and drop it to ensure it settles out evenly. Then take a knife and draw a pinwheel from the centre to the outide edges. This takes care of that common centre bump. I might try it on my lower abs.

Unfortunately what I ended up with resembled neither cake nor muffin batter, but looked more like cookie dough so I added milk until it loosened up a bit. After 7 minutes in the microwave, checking somewhere between often and obsessively I wound up with this:



Broken cake, awesome. Partially raw in the middle, moving on.

Korea doesn't have cream, but they do have cool whip. Except Korean cool whip comes in liquid form and you have to whip it yourself. All the work, none of the reward, seems fitting. They also don't have food colouring but I put my alcoholic instincts to work and used some raspberry liqour to colour the whip. It worked brilliantly and made it taste better too, less petroleum by-producty. In the end I wound up with this:



I can't say it, but I can sure think it.

I sliced some strawberries and fanned them out to class things up a bit.



All tops, no bottoms = more Kyle than you probably wanted to see.





Happy birthday muffin! And you too, guy I see occasionally.

Twhacker

Obama Twitter account 'hacked by frenchman'

Jean Pierre le Douchsac was arrested tody in Paris for allegedly 'hacking' into President Obama's twitter account. The 25 year old is said to have gained access to the account by correctly guessing 'password' as the password. Republicans are citing this as an example of poor online leadership, while the Democrats are countering that it simply shows Obama as an average person. "Even ivy league grads can't make secure passwords!" says Democratic pundit Hilary Pillow-Perry. There is further speculation that Obama's bank pin code might be his birth day and the secret service has announced that the White House alarm code will no longer be 1234.

Police became suspicious of le Douchesac after they heard the Pink Panther theme song coming from the suspect's apartment. When asked about his actions le Douchesac responded, "Ees not a crime to make guess of somezing. In America eets called a stock broker, non?" le Douchesac is currently unemployed having lost his previous job running a 'Guess My Weight' carnival booth after complaints that he was too accurate.

Millions of American's are continuing to get their tweet on though; BibleLover6969, posted today "You can take our passwords, but you'll never take our tweedom." Never a truer tweet, you twit.

Korean(ish) Ribs

Stumbling through foodgawker yesterday I saw a recipe for Korean Ribs. Since I had a bag of ribs in my freezer and a world full of Korea at my doorstep I decided to give it a whirl. I basically followed this recipe, except I don't have measuring utensils or an oven and I haven't got paid yet so I also don't have money for pears and 7-up. If for some reason you are in the same weird world as me, you can follow my lead:

Korean(ish) Ribs
- Mix some soy sauce with your favorite lemony flavoured drink. In my case I had some leftover Pocari Sweat, a poorly named Korean sports drink that tastes better than it sounds. In terms of amounts I used more Sweat than soy sauce, and enough of both to cover the ribs in the container.
- Add some crushed garlic and ginger, thinly sliced onions and a little sugar if your lemony drink isn't very sweet and pour it over the ribs to marinate for at least 30 minutes.
- Heat some oil in your pan and then add the ribs, reserving the marinade. Sear ribs on each side until nicely browned.
- Add the marinade to the pan and continue cooking on lower heat until sauce thickens.

Normally I'd serve ribs with rice but seeing as I already eat rice faaaar too often I went with mashed potatoes instead and the sauce acted as a gravy of sorts. Oh, and I had some vegetables in there too, I swear.



Nom nom nom.

KK took my baby away.

Krazy Korea took my baby away.

First, some tales from the classroom:

The other day my co-teacher asked the kids where one missing student was. They replied quickly and with confidence, "mind control." Fact: Big Brother is the number one causes of absences in Korean elementary schools.

After playing an innocent game based on rock-paper-scissors my co-teacher asked who the winner of each pair was. When the winners raised their hands she gave some instructions in Korean and then I witnessed each winning ten year old grab their losing partner, lick their index and forefingers and gave them the slaps. Maybe that'll learn them to be better at rock-paper-scissors (hint: always pick rock).

And now, Korean television fun time!

This was a show about octopods that can lift bowling balls.



This was a show about a baby that can sew. She cried when they took her needle and thread away, such work ethic!



This is a show about teaching young girls to dance sexy while an older, chubby man watches. No sriously, I've seen it a couple of times, there is no other possible explanation.

An excerpt of my brain

Sometimes during the most boring parts of my day (approx. 7:30am-11:30pm) I think like a stoner. I think things like, what if my "dreams" are actually reality, man, and then what I think is "reality" is actually just my dreams? Like, man I keep having this recurring dream where I have to go to work all day long, every day, fuuuuck it's so boring. Thank god I woke up so I can get back to dragon wrestling on this cloud made of doughnuts.

I have a lot of time on my hands.

I also think chicken's should have arms. That occured to me last night while I was watching a cat fight a chicken on America's Funniest Home Videos (v. popular here). The cat was on his hind legs swatting with his arms and the chicken could only peck with its beakt. So not fair. They should just have little spindly arms that come straight out of their chest like a t-rex. They'd still eat food off the ground with their beaks though, for tradition's sake, but they'd come in handy for conga lines. Chicken's love conga lines.

I need a life.

What's for Brinner?

Personally I've never been a huge breakfast fan because it happens to fall between the hours of Irritated Beast o'clock and half past Too Groggy to Function. Enter brinner: breakfast for dinner. Hit the snooze button in the morning and save your eggs for suppertime.

Tonight's brinner was a poor man's take on egg's benny. I've never made hollendaise sauce before so I thought I'd leave it for another, more ambitious day. Instead, spaghetti sauce! It was surprisingly good and Korean eggs seem to have more yolk which is always appreciated.


Poached Spageggi on Toast with Home Fries

I used to be afraid of poached eggs, but there's really nothing to fear if you follow a few key steps. First, your water should be just two smidgens short of boiling. Look for the streams of tiny bubbles coming from the bottom of the pot. Second, add a tablespoon of vinegar to your water. I don't know why this helps keep things together, but it does and that's good enough for me. Finally, give your water a little swirl before cracking the eggs in. The whirlpool motion whips the whites around and keeps everything congealed.

From there on out it's just a matter of timing:
- Heat your oil, put the potatoes on.
- Get your water up to temperature.
- Crack in your eggs when the potatoes start browning.
- Heat the sauce.
- Know how long your toaster takes; act accordingly.
- Watch those eggs.
- Fries on the plate, toast on the plate.
- Get the eggs outta the bath when the whites are firm and the yolks are still runny.
- They go on the plate with sauce and into your belly before they cool down.

Skip the coffee or you'll be up until Supperfast!

Groan...