Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Let's Just Get This Out of the Way.

My most embarrassing moments, chronologically, for your reading pleasure.

I was too young to actually remember this story, but my family tells it so often it’s become one of those created memories. One day when I was really little I decided I wasn’t going to wear anything except for my dad’s rubber boots. So I walk out into the kitchen to show off my new outfit only to discover that my parents had company over. I was so surprised I started to pee and it ran straight down my leg and into the boots. I had to shuffle back out of the room with pee sloshing around my ankles.

In grade five my mom was on this health kick and I wasn't allowed to eat anything with sugar. Seriously - anything. At recess one day I saw this doughnut sitting just on the edge of the garbage can, like baaarely touching it. So like any sugar starved ten year old I went and picked it out and ate the damn thing. This earned me the nickname ‘Garbage Picker’ for the better part of the rest of my life.

When I was twelve we were on a family vacation and we were all packed into our sporty utility vehicle and brothers and I were fighting one of our infinite and usually violent fights. Apparently this time I was at fault because my dad pulled the car over, hauled me outside, and spanked me on the side of the highway for all the passing cars to see. No one called child welfare though; I guess they could tell it was my fault too.

I was in swimming lessons when I was about fourteen and I hopped out of the pool to grab a flutter-board and the lifeguard started screaming at me from across the deck that I was bleeding. I looked down and it turned out that I had started my period and there was quite obviously menstrual blood streaming down my leg. Luckily only everyone in the pool noticed.

One time I was camping with some friends and I had hurt my knee and was on crutches at the time. I was sitting on the ground when this dog came over and started humping my leg. I couldn’t move my leg to shake him off, nor could I reach my crutches so I tried to drag myself away from him with my hands, but he had such a good pelvic grip on me that I just ended up dragging him around behind me on the ground. Clearly everyone was too busy laughing to intervene in my canine rape.

One time I went to the doctor and he asked me to give a urine sample, except I had literally just gone and my bladder was bone dry. I just straight up could not go. Unfortunately the East German Nurse From Hell was working the lab that day and told me, in front of the entire packed waiting room, to go to the fountain and drink until I was ready to go. So I suck on the fountain until I feel sick, but the liquid is not exiting my body anytime soon. I go back to Helga the Horrible and try to explain quietly that I am a urinary failure. She does not take this well and tells me I cannot leave until I pee, at which point I begin to cry uncontrollably. Realizing that she has a hysterical person on her hands she changes her tune and lets me and my empty bladder go on the conditional that she’ll just write in my permanent record that I have “difficulty urinating.”

One time I was out drinking with this guy and along the way I ate some dangerous looking food from a street vendor. So we make our way home and start getting down to business. He's going down on me when out of no where I accidentally let. one. rip. We're talking big time. Not a fluff or a squeak or even a queef, but a full on mother fucking ass rumbling fart. I'm assuming, from his position and such, that the asshole air probably hit him somewhere in the mouth/face/neck region. Shit happens, but sometimes it's just gas.

I hope you feel better acquainted now.

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