Thursday, March 19, 2009

Rachel Ray Ain't Got Shit

Spring cleaning includes emptying out the old saddlebags so last night's dinner was Spinach Salad with Creamy Poppy Seed Dressing. Popeye might have been heavy in the forearm's, but I'd kill for his waistline.

NOTE: I suffer from shaky hand syndrome which explains why the spinach leaves appear to be in motion. I assure you they were long dead and immobile by the time they reached the table.

Spinach Salad with Creamy Poppy Seed Dressing

Spinach (dead)
Cherry tomatoes (hole, halved or quartered, whatever makes them look cuter)
Strawberries (again, cut in an aesthetically pleasing manner)
Green pepper (because I had it in the fridge)
Hard Boiled Eggs (I'd say several, but this is because they were my only source of protein for the day)

NOTE: If I had the cash monies I would put bacon in this. If you don't mind racking up your charge card with pork related products then I would recommend this option.

Chop that shit up. Mix that shit up.

NOTE: If you're cooking solo you go ahead and mix those right in the dish you're going to eat out of because the only thing more depressing than eating alone is cleaning alone.

White vinegar
White sugar
Poppy seeds

There were measurements for these, but my house has somehow lost all but the 2/3 measuring cup so I winged it. Here's the basic breakdown: more mayonnaise than you likely feel comfortable eating, less milk than mayonnaise, less vinegar than milk, several shakes of the sugar jar and a bunch of poppy seeds. The ratio's look about like this:

FACT: the price of poppy seeds has skyrocketed because poppies are grown in the middle east where the terrorists are stealing them all to make opium pies. This is directly the reason that the wonderful ladies of the Valleyview, AB Farmer's Market have stopped making Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins. I'm sure you will agree that they have taken the jihad too far.

Anyway, whisk that stuff up, or, if you're alone, you can just use the fork you're going to eat with. It should be about the consistency of semen, if sperm's were black (ooh, racism?).

Drizzle over salad. Put excess dressing away. Pause. Go back and get more. Who are you kidding? Put your face down close to the bowl, it should look like this:

Eat that shit up. Then go do your dishes alone, loser.

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