I have been collecting a lot of interesting tales from my time on the front lines of the boner pill hotline and there are definitely some good ones which I'll share with you at a later date but this one takes the cake for today. It's long, but it's good, please allow me to share.
I get yelled at a lot during the 8 hours a day my ear is connected to a headset. A lot. The advertisments we send in the mail feature flexible young women in a variety of positions, as well as a plethora of engorged male members. It's clearly stated on the outside that the envelope contents are of a sexual nature but still people allow their 3 year old daughters to open and read it. It is my job to remove the names of screaming people from our system. Screaming people don't buy product.
Today a woman with a spicy vocabulary and a strong set of lungs called in for this purpose. Before she did this however, she tore up the mailing into little pieces. Tiny pieces. Shreds so small that apparently she couldn't read the nine digit number I need to take the name off the list. Nor could she find the name of the person it was addressed to. What she did have was her name, of no use to me since it wasn't sent to her, and creative uses of four letter words. She could also clearly see the 'dirty bitches' that are 'all over this shit' that I 'kept fucking sending to her.' I asked her to please not swear at me, that I don't actually work for the company, I work for a call centre for many different products and would take her name off if she could give me the necessary information (she could not). I cannot possibly convey with written words the tone of the next thing she said, it is something that only the human voice can accurately convey, but imagine if you will this being said with the most utter disdain one can muster. She said, 'Oh you think your some kind of fucking little angel don't you?' I told her I was hanging up the phone and did so.
As luck and perserverance would have it, this little firecracker called back and to my great misfortune and wishful thinking I recieved her call once more. The hang up had increased her fury. My continued inability to help her without the relavent information also increased her fury. She told me that not only was she furious, but the priest was as well.
'Yeah, you've been sending this perverted porno to a rectory,' (pause for giggle at the word rectory. Also porno, who says porno?).
You're calling from a church? And you've been swearing at me for the past five minutes??
'Don't you worry about that.'
Well I'm just a little surprised-
'Father Thomas is very upset about this and I'm going get him on the phone right now.'
-no! Wait, hold on, I don't want to speak with Father Thomas, I really don't think-
'Father Thomas speaking.'
In the end the good Father was more committed to the Christian values of not being a cunt face than his wayward underlings. He was also successful in piecing together the porno confetti and getting me the information I needed. Thank you Father, peace be with you.
This is where the second part of the story comes in though, and it's good, so don't go refresh your facebook just yet. Father Thomas told me that the name the mailing was addressed to was in fact the name of a recently convicted child pornographer. Now, far be it for me to give props to a child pornographer, but I think you must admire how wickedly hilarious this is. This pervert got himself on a mailing list for sex products but then had them sent to a Catholic church. I mean he had to look up an address of a church, decide which one to send it to, get himself on a mailing list, give the faulty address and his only reward was to imagine how angry this would make them when they got it. That's fucked up. And kind of hilarious. Alternatively, as a child pornographer perhaps he thought he and the priest shared some common ground and was trying to reach out to him. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
This is also the second time in two weeks that I've been yelled at by a member of the church. It would seem that doing God's work makes you a little testy. I don't want to criticise His management style or anything, but if these are his representatives on earth I would think he might be considering some layoffs. And now is not the time to be an unemployed nun.