Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Ch-ch-ch-chelsea Handler

Since I can't string ten words together that aren't "What's the name of the product you'd like to order?" I'll just direct your attention to a funnier, blondier babe. I read this article in People magazine which, yes, I read, becuase how else would I stay up to date with the investigation into John Travolta's son's death (isn't that so sad?). Every once in a never you get a gem like this:

My Life as a Beauty by CHELSEA HANDLER

Obviously, being on television every day requires me to maintain some level of physical decorum, which in turn requires me to exercise. There are few things I enjoy about exercise, and by few, I mean when it's over. Working out is definitely not something I would be participating in if I was a librarian and/or my dream job, Carnival cruise director. I would much rather spend my free time watching the Animal Planet or Lifetime. So to ensure I get a good run in, I'll drop myself off in a bad neighborhood and run home. I used to Rollerblade home, but that went out of style a couple of years ago for anyone who's straight.

I have cellulite. I make sure there are no fluorescent lights at any beach that I go to, and if they cannot turn the lights off at the resort, then I wear my nude nylons, much like Kirstie Alley on Oprah. I've been to Hooters. I've seen what panty hose can conceal.

The one area I don't have to worry about are the natural acrylic nails I was born with. French tips apparently run on the Mormon side of my family, so not only do I have a permanent French manicure, I have permanent acrylics that will always keep my memories of the Jersey shore at the forefront of my mind.

I try to always make sure that I am caring for myself in the same loving manner that I would care for a pet dolphin. I love homemade remedies. I exfoliate my face with a stale baguette or if it's Shabbat, a bagel. My hair is damaged, dry and has low self-esteem. People have been recommending mayonnaise for years, but what's missing from this equation is Grey Poupon. Whether you go with Dijon, country Dijon or deli is up to you and your astrologer. I use deli, because I'm half Jewish and have ties to the deli community. The combination of these two delicious condiments is good for a sandwich and a head of hair that you are trying to keep yellow. This is my life and I'm sorry you had to hear about it.

Amiright ladies? Amiright? God love ya that's rich you slay me amen.

1 comment:

anna said...

you had me at "stale baguette"
2tru grl