And the Award for Cock Tease of the Year Goes to....

Pop culture update: Taylor Swift = awesome. Kelly Clarkson = not.

Despite being America's best example of democracy at work, Kelly Clarkson is simply not worth the toll free calls she rode in on. Actual conversation I had with my roommate this morning:

"Kelly Clarkson, is she still fat?"
"Actually she's looking a bit skinnier."
"........so, still fat?"

I'm a bad person.

Latest example of her craptastic career: I Do Not Hook Up. Really Kelly? Really? I bet there's a few fellas back in Texas who would appreciate the irony here if they only knew what it meant. Don't go getting all noble just because your homemade porn hasn't surfaced yet. When it does you will have to eat 3 minutes and 47 seconds worth of your poorly sung words.

She doesn't hook up, she grabs her own boob!

First up, opening scene: Kelly looking uncomfortable at brunch with the Rockefeller family. Why? No reason, other than she's a down to earth Texan gal who likes to remind everyone of it. Then she's rude to the waiter: Oh sweetheart put that bottle down/you've got too much talent. Fuck you darlin', not everyone gets a free ride to Hollywood. Someone's gotta pop the champagne in the most phallic way possible for you and what appears to be Donald Trump's grandpa. I see you through those bloodshot eyes/there's a cure and you've found it. If you mean cocaine and alcohol as a cure for the depression that accompainies working in the service industry, then yes, he's found it, along with minimum wage and no benefits.

Second, this reeks of prostitution and sexual assault. If you want me I don't come cheap: Kelly, I'll remind you again that we're in a recession. Just because you're opposed to the stimulus package doesn't mean you can't stimulate the package. Hey-o! The more that you try the harder I'll fight to say goodnight. The girl plays defence. Classy, but if blue balls are fatal (as I was once told) you know who to call.

I do get the whole 'don't give blow j's on the playground' message she's going for, but does anyone else see the glaring contradiction as she dry humps buddy up the buffet table? You want to go slow? Dry hump on the second date kids. Plus she also says This might not last but this is now so love the one you're with. So don't hook up, but do settle for mediocrity? Sure thing Kelly. Plus, how else will kids know who the popular girls are?? Her next song will have to be "I do not do anal."

I have half a mind to photoshop a dick where that sucker is.

Her one redeeming quality? She's friends with Reba, and a friend of Reba's is a friend of mine, but only as a favour to Ms. McIntyre, the queen of country and a damn fine actress.

Get your hands off my Reba!

And now I have to go change my facebook status because an older family member posted that she 'liked' that 'B-tang does not hook up.' She does not get irony.