Crest Dorkstrips

I drink coffee and red wine pretty much daily. On days when I'm not drinking wine, I drink extra coffee. If I'm not drinking coffee, you can bet it's only because I'm drinking too much red wine to make more. I'm not what you might call a 'people person', I actually have a list of things that I enjoy more than most people; coffee and red wine top the list, followed by exposed brick walls. It's like, 'Hey Brittney, do you want to go hang out with a random sample of the population or would you rather stay home with your beverages and stare at a pretty wall?" This is not a difficult choice.

Consequently the colour of my teeth has suffered. This is unfortunate because I often get compliments my on my teeth. People ask if I've ever had braces and I blush, smile, and say no, no I haven't. I've had no major dental work and only one cavity in my entire life. Cue larger smile to flash pearly whites. Except now they're more like pearly yellows.

Check it, before shot:
So I went to get some whitening product, contrary to everything my mother's ever told me about toxic chemicals and carcinogens (just because you've had cancer doesn't make you a fucking expert on it, ai'ight mom???).

Now from my consumer knowledge I was under the impression that all whitestrips looked something like this:
However, I opted for the generic brand, "Life Whitening Wraps." And while the box assured me that they were as effective as the leading brand (and half the price) they failed to mention that they make you look like a fucking idiot.
Oh hai! Check out my big blue mouthgaurd! Shexy shexy!
Why in good hell would you make your Whitening Wraps blue?? Is this some sort of play on bluetooth, the ear-phone thing? They're also pretty big and I can't speak properly with them it. And my mouth starts watering but I'm too nervous to swallow my own saliva when it's clearly been mixing around with peroxide so I have to keep spitting it out. My teeth haven't gotten sensitive though, which I've heard is a common thing, but the other day I did feel a sharp pain in one of my teeth and I panicked and ripped off the mouthgaurd before I realized it wasn't even a tooth that was touching the whitening sludge goo.

I would post an 'after' photo, but frankly they're just not working. I'm going to go make some more coffee now.