Funny Things My Boyfriend Does When He Sleeps

Sometimes he moves his mouth like he's chewing, and he also makes a noise like 'num, num, num.' He says he dreams about eating food sometimes, but I think it's possible he's going down on someone. Num, num, num. (Do dudes dream about foreplay? I imagine they might skip straight to p in the v-g).

Last night I came to bed and asked him to move over so I could sleep the proper way (on my right side, facing away from the wall on the edge of the bed) and he mumbled, "I can't, there's a pillow in the way." Yeah, so fucking move it you sleeptard.

One morning I asked him what time it was and he reached his hand out and mimed shaking someone's hand. Oh, it's handshake o'clock? Great, time to get up!

Once we were both sleeping on a couch and given the space restrictions I was kind of curled up so that his head was above mine vertically. When I woke up I felt something wet on my face only to realize that the douche-chill was drooling on me.

In the middle of the night once he woke me up when he started making fighting motions in the air. It turns out that he was dreaming that we were sitting on a couch and someone was coming at me with a pair of pliers, so I suppose that was nice of him.

This he does when he's awake, which makes it even worse. He calls the sheet a 'thin blanket' even though it's clearly a sheet for reasons I've gone over many times. I've suggested that he go back to school Billy Madison style to relearn his household objects, only no hot teacher flashing boobies trick.

But he doesn't snore, he doesn't hog the blankets, and he would never, ever wake me up on purpose. He will live another day.