This is kind of along the lines of Joey Comeau's Overqualified, only less funny and, unfortunately, will never be turned into a book and end up making me money. But kudos to you Mr. Comeau, kudos.
Things I Won't/Can't Do, Craigslist Styles
- I can't do a job that requires Gujurati. I've never even heard of Gujurati; turns out it's the state language of Gujarat. Awesome. Ixnay on that telemarketing position.
- I won't take a job if the email attached is email@example.com. Ixnay on dishwashing.
- I won't take a job if the ad is WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS. THIS SCREAMS ILLEGITIMATE IN WAYS EXCLAMATION MARKS NEVER COULD.
- I will not take a job if the title of the ad is "Rock $ Roll attitude!" What the fuck does that mean?? Do I have a Rock $ Roll attitude?? Do they just not know the difference between a dollar sign and an amersand?? Likely.
- I will not take a job if the ad says that the candidate will be replacing "El Tigre." I'm going out on a limb and saying that I probably can't wash dishes as well as El Tigre.
- I cannot do a job that requires "an understanding of the Urban Outfitters culture." I know what irony is, does that count??
- I will not do the following job: "looking for a person who can wax my back, must have a place, must have supplies." How fucking hairy are you that you can't go to a salon like a regular hairy person? The funny thing about your back is that it's located on your dick, isn't it?
- I will not be a masseuse....yet.